bucket list!!!

ok, i am officially publishing my bucket list. im freaking 18 years old and 20 is just around the corner and that is scary as hell. 

so here we go!!!

• drive on the autobahn. 
• surf in France
• get first place in an event (swimming)
• shark cage!!
• skydiving
• watch a flash mob
• be in Times Square on New Years Eve
• write a song that everyone knows
• fall in love
• get married
• have a prettier marriage than wedding
• stand with one foot on one side of the equator and have the other foot on the other side of the equator
• date a celebrity. like Taylor Lautner. ;)
• vacation to Rome.
• get a puppy for Christmas!!
• go on a no-budget shopping spree at Victoria's Secret.
• remember to use a fake (hilarious) name at starbucks
• have a cute guy-stranger buy me coffee
• finish a game of monopoly
• tip a cow
• go to vegas
• complete a triathlon
• travel first class!
• get pulled over.....and walk away without being in any trouble at all.
• have a clean room for a month+
• have kids
• solve a rubix cube!!!

some days i just wanna cry

my life is not as happy as i let it seem. i deal with THE biggest jerks of the century. i dont get WHY people are the way they are. i dont get why im so "unlikeable". i dont like how life isnt a fairytale.
i have days that i just want to sit down and cry. and i think, at times, that maybe just MAYBE if i made a scene like that, someone would open their ears and eyes and see what's really going on. but i never do it. i pretend like im fine; even lie to myself saying "you're fine, Lisa." i always paste a stupid, cheesy grin on my face and pretend like im great. i laugh and act like a goof, i let everyone pick on me and razz with me 'til im close to tears. but i never let that tear out. ever.
i am so ridiculous. im a hurting human being, and i hate it. and i dont know what to do about it. and no one's there to make it better.
and sometimes, ill share this stuff. and i always get the same reaction. people give me that "woah, TMI!" look and then try to laugh it off.
and the absolute funniest part of ALL of this is that the one person i can talk to about all of this pisses me off so much sometimes that i cant talk to them. and that's when i feel the most alone, deserted, beaten and left for the birds, etc.
maybe one day ill make that scene that i so desperately need to make. the emotions and hurt will overflow, at last, and drip down my flushed, angry cheeks in front of the right people. but until then ill just get through life, 15 minutes at a time and ill live by these words: tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better.