wisdom perhaps?

im so tired of people waiting for my family and me to come to their every beckoning call to kiss their butt. Or people looking down on us because of some of the stuff we've been through.

news flash: as much as we hate to admit it, we cannot control everything in our lives that happens.

so don't look down on me or think that im gonna come running to kiss your butt because of what ive been through or because i did it for someone else. you don't know my situation. you dont know my reasoning. and ill go out of my way a lot of the time...but the SECOND you start demanding me to go out of my way is when i come to a screeching stop. im done letting people run all over me. im even done with MOST peoples opinions.

think about it; PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. every single person out there is different. we are each set apart from each other. no one person is exactly like the next so...considering there are SO many people, and the world is currently in sin, it's reasonable to say that there will be people each of us will run into that we just don't like. Personality differences! you're gonna hit heads with people. that's just the way the world is.

SO.....
why would anyone let another persons' opinion about them effect their daily life? Even if it's someone closer to them!
why would anyone allow that? It's silly! peoples' opinions aren't THAT important!

all this to say, if you don't like me, just say so. it's not going to devastate me. and don't come to me saying "oh i just love you so much!" and then turn around and tell someone else how much you can't stand me and how annoying i am. shutuuuuup!
ohmygosh that's a freaking bold-faced LIE!

your opinion about me doesn't matter that much anyways. so save me from getting super pissed off, and save your lies for someone else, cause ill find out what you said anyway, and just tell me straight up.

this is all i have to say. im distancing myself from the people around me that are doing these exact things. fortunately, i will still have my closest family, my important friend, and Stephen. that's all that matters to me right now. I've been shattered the past few months. I need some mega-healing time.

i win.

There's a few things I'd like to briefly address. 

life will not "take it easy" on you. i know that for a fact. life is hard. 
there will always be people that don't like you. There will be people that attack you. There will be situations that eat away at your thoughts. There will be things that make you cry for hours, and all you'll be able to do is curl up in the fetal position. You won't always make people happy. There will be times that you're trying to do the right thing, but every bit of your flesh is screaming at you to retaliate or try to fix it. You'll have to pray for people that have hurt you. You'll have to love your enemies. You'll agree to disagree. People that are supposed to minister to you and support you and "be on your side" and encourage you in the Lord will pretty much crap on your face. 

-but-

That's when The Lord promises such amazing things to you. And yeah, you'll have to labor for it. Your faith will be tested. But when God promises something, it always comes to pass. His word will not return void. 

He promises stuff like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

i like this version because it says "when you walk through the fire you will not be burned." When you touch fire, it immediately burns you. But He says that it won't even burn you. 

And then, after His promises come to pass, there's yet another promise that I've stood on for a long long time. It kind of encourages you in the middle of the fight, but it's also a reward afterwards.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weakened knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13
this means, to me, that I'm marking out a path right now. I'm going through stuff that people will go through after me, and I'll be able to help them when all of this is over. I'll be able to speak into their lives, I'll be able to relate and understand their pain. 
I remember this every time something ELSE happens in my life. That and the Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle. So, not only can i handle these situations, but I will pass through them with flying colors and I'll be able to encourage others in the Lord and my testimony will do great things.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." Revelation 12:11

insensitive people

i don't know why some people think they need to "make me tough" by purposefully making some aspects of my life dramatic and difficult. stealing my phone and texting my boyfriend that im breaking up with him? really? twice in one week?
There's no reason for this. and honestly, the people that are doing this have no clue what i've been through recently. they have no idea what kind of stuff is happening, but they think i need to "get tougher"? it upsets me that these people think it's okay, and that they laugh in my face while im angry at them or call them out and say that they owe me an apology with tears streaming down my face. how insensitive.

Have you ever flown home from being away for nearly 3 weeks to news that your Dad was high and angry with your sister because she wouldnt give him YOUR truck keys? and he threatened her? and now you can't even stay at your house, you have to stay somewhere else for the next week and your mom's not there, your dad's not there and none of your siblings are there to just be a shoulder to cry on? you have to CALL them on the phone for any support? your CLOSEST family, the people that are the absolute closest to you..and you have to call them. you have to pick up the mess left at home.

maybe i do need to toughen up....but im not going to take that advice from someone who doesnt even know me. I'll take it from my mom or my very close friends and mentors...but not just some person i know.

im having enough trouble trying to keep myself together at my grandmothers house this week. being scared and cautious when i go to my house...it's a complicated mess.
But let me say this; if you don't know everything that's going on with someone, don't "try to fix them" or "toughen them up"...it's just not right, and you're not the judge of that.
I'm trying so so hard to keep my relationship with God going right now and it's hard, because stuff just gets worse and harder. I'm trying to not always cry and complain to God, but it's really hard when that's almost all i can do when im alone is cry.
Anyway, that's my rant right now. the end.