watch(wo)man

Honestly, I wouldn't be writing right now if I could simply say this to people's faces. Unfortunately, I see these things in people that I am in no position talk to about their faults because of the way they will behave and react to my confrontation....
But let me just say this....
If you claim to be a Christian, hear from God and have Holy Spirit in you, you also have the FRUIT of Holy Spirit. Let me briefly expand on this statement.
FRUIT. What is it? Fruit is something that comes off of a tree. A fruit tree produces fruit. Grapes will not grow on an orange tree and vice-versa. You can tell how good a tree is doing by it's fruit. If it produces sour fruit, you know something's wrong. But when it produces good, sweet fruit you know everything is good with it.
It's the same with the fruit of Holy Spirit.
"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.." (Galatians 5:22)

Let's put it this way, folks, to quickly and efficiently get my point across.
 If you do not have these fruits of the Spirit, the Spirit is not in you.
Know how I know this? God promises that this is truth. He says you reap what you sow.

Do not claim that you commune with God, that you have a good, strong relationship with Him, and do not claim that you have Holy Spirit in you if none of these things reflect in your life.

The second point I want to bring up is married to this same point.

If you are really full of the Spirit, you will not speak about your family so bitterly. You will not push them down. You will not say "you're retarded" or any harsh thing.

In my opinion, saying these things about your parents, siblings, and children makes you more of a jerkface to be around than a first degree murderer. There's special words used to describe you...words that I won't post on the internet...

And what bugs me the most is that these people post on facebook these verses of the Bible...yet I can see you have no Spirit in you. It's in plain sight.
The frustrating part is if I brought this to your attention, you would literally chew my head right off of my body. I'm not ready for that reaction...


And yes, I do ask "God, why do You show me these certain things in people that I can't even talk to, because they won't listen to a single word I say? I'd rather not see it and not have this beef with them deep inside..." It freakin sucks. 

red.

i have the sweetest, most loving boyfriend in the entire world, ya'll. Even when we can't spend time together he takes the time to write me a letter. And when i do get to see him, he truly treats me like a princess.
and I love him. And im thankful that my parents love him too.
one of the things that melted my heart today was "i like your dad."
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
ohmygoodness he knows how to steal my heart, that's for sure.
and to those of you who dont know...yeah we're talking about getting married. tying the knot.


which i know that's what's gonna happen because of recent events.


BUT anyway, i think THAT is really cool because I've prayed all my life "God please let my first boyfriend be the only boyfriend I ever have..."
<3 guess what, world! This girl waited til she was 18 to meet this guy. She never dated another. she stuck tight to her guns. She prayed a lot about it. And this is her reward. :)

no, neither of us are perfect. We have our moments that we don't get along. But we always come back to say "I'm sorry, I love you".
And all you freako's, jerks, weirdo's, meaners, rudenesses, and buttheads can lie all you want to either of us about the other. We know each other well enough to know a lie when we hear one. :P so there, suckers. take that and shove it where the sun dont shine...
and honestly, I'm not sorry for that attitude. There have been far too many liars butting their heads in our relationship trying to break us up. I'm tired of it. And that honestly is my attitude towards those people right now. None of it has done anything but strengthen our relationship. and...it's OUR relationship, not yours. Yes, I claim ownership of this on earth and in heaven, and for a reason.

anyway..I really wanted to brag on my boyfriend. Because I love him so much, and he's the best anyone could have.

whoops...

I made a big mistake this evening...
I knew better than to do this, but I did it.
It was so weird, I had gone to BCC for a career assessment and to talk to an adviser about results and such from that...the very moment I walked out of that building onto the campus, a "feeling" came on me. just hopeless. I was sad, depressed, I missed people a lot, I was impatient, quick to release stinging words from my mouth, it was horrible.
yeah I was under some major attack. and the thing that makes me upset a little is that I didn't see it when it happened.
I ended up saying some things that really hurt a few of the people I really really love, and it blew up.
All of this drama and heartache and worry all because I didn't fight the initial attack.

But, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I hope and pray that others learn from my bad example.
The Lord lead me to I John tonight after all of this...

"But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world."
I John 4:4

Just previous to this verse, it's talking about false prophets, what to look for in a true prophet of God, and then it continues to say how false prophets have the spirit of the antichrist, which is a spirit OF THE WORLD...
So the Spirit (God, Holy Spirit) who lives in me is greater than the spirit who subsides in the world.
That's when I was like "ohhh, I messed up..."

We all make mistakes. Yes, even as Christians. But Jesus died for exactly that, so that we can be forgiven, given a second, third, fourth, five-hundredth chance. And our mistakes doesn't make Him love us any less.

I'd also like to just acknowledge that I have a great boyfriend, who encourages me in the middle of all of this. "do me a favor, go to your room, lay on your bed, and read the Bible. I dont even care what you read, just read something. and then pray..." and he proceeded to give me specific things to pray for and about.
wise words. very wise words. <3

"Fall"

I see posts on Facebook about fall. For me, when fall starts to come, it's like 3 months of holiday preparation. pumpkin everything, followed up with peppermints and lights. and I'm actually looking forward to all of it this year, which seems so strange to me.

Which brings another thought to mind...
Last year at this time, my life was slowly but surely going down the tubes. My entire family was having issues with several different things and I remember thinking, "is there a break anywhere? Any glimmering little light? Any chance that this hell I'm walking through won't last the rest of my life? It's coming from every possible direction..."
LAST YEAR, the miserable-holidays (which were incredibly lonely) kicked off the next 3 months. Dad had left again before Christmas. We didn't decorate the house at all. no lights, no tree, I didn't even buy anyone's presents 'til after Christmas day. It was hard.
January 2012 I got a job. I was working my butt off, going to school and swimming my heart out. I'd leave at 9am and not get back home until 6pm MAYBE.
then my Dad ended up in the ICU. that was horrific....he was in there for a week before I went to see him. (something that i really regret) My Mom and my sister, Amy, had been begging me to go see him. The night I went to see him for the first time, was the eve of the day they were going to put a breathing tube in him. He labored so hard for each and every breath. He was skinny, he had lost hair and he was so pale. I could only be there for 30 seconds tops before I raced out of his room, through the ICU doors and into the waiting room to cry. There was another family in there when I got in the room trying to hold myself together. Their expressions I will never forget. I must have looked horrified. It hurts just to remember....
for 47 running days, I cried at work, struggled to keep my grades up, ran a lot and swam as hard as I could. I swam at every swim meet I could get into just to keep myself busy. I broke a few PR's during that time...

But this year is looking much much better. This holiday season appears to be much happier. Little Finley (Amy's son) was born a month ago. Dad's at a program and not out on the streets. Stephen's with me. It's going to be a much happier time. and for that, I'm thankful.

wisdom perhaps?

im so tired of people waiting for my family and me to come to their every beckoning call to kiss their butt. Or people looking down on us because of some of the stuff we've been through.

news flash: as much as we hate to admit it, we cannot control everything in our lives that happens.

so don't look down on me or think that im gonna come running to kiss your butt because of what ive been through or because i did it for someone else. you don't know my situation. you dont know my reasoning. and ill go out of my way a lot of the time...but the SECOND you start demanding me to go out of my way is when i come to a screeching stop. im done letting people run all over me. im even done with MOST peoples opinions.

think about it; PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. every single person out there is different. we are each set apart from each other. no one person is exactly like the next so...considering there are SO many people, and the world is currently in sin, it's reasonable to say that there will be people each of us will run into that we just don't like. Personality differences! you're gonna hit heads with people. that's just the way the world is.

SO.....
why would anyone let another persons' opinion about them effect their daily life? Even if it's someone closer to them!
why would anyone allow that? It's silly! peoples' opinions aren't THAT important!

all this to say, if you don't like me, just say so. it's not going to devastate me. and don't come to me saying "oh i just love you so much!" and then turn around and tell someone else how much you can't stand me and how annoying i am. shutuuuuup!
ohmygosh that's a freaking bold-faced LIE!

your opinion about me doesn't matter that much anyways. so save me from getting super pissed off, and save your lies for someone else, cause ill find out what you said anyway, and just tell me straight up.

this is all i have to say. im distancing myself from the people around me that are doing these exact things. fortunately, i will still have my closest family, my important friend, and Stephen. that's all that matters to me right now. I've been shattered the past few months. I need some mega-healing time.

i win.

There's a few things I'd like to briefly address. 

life will not "take it easy" on you. i know that for a fact. life is hard. 
there will always be people that don't like you. There will be people that attack you. There will be situations that eat away at your thoughts. There will be things that make you cry for hours, and all you'll be able to do is curl up in the fetal position. You won't always make people happy. There will be times that you're trying to do the right thing, but every bit of your flesh is screaming at you to retaliate or try to fix it. You'll have to pray for people that have hurt you. You'll have to love your enemies. You'll agree to disagree. People that are supposed to minister to you and support you and "be on your side" and encourage you in the Lord will pretty much crap on your face. 

-but-

That's when The Lord promises such amazing things to you. And yeah, you'll have to labor for it. Your faith will be tested. But when God promises something, it always comes to pass. His word will not return void. 

He promises stuff like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

i like this version because it says "when you walk through the fire you will not be burned." When you touch fire, it immediately burns you. But He says that it won't even burn you. 

And then, after His promises come to pass, there's yet another promise that I've stood on for a long long time. It kind of encourages you in the middle of the fight, but it's also a reward afterwards.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weakened knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13
this means, to me, that I'm marking out a path right now. I'm going through stuff that people will go through after me, and I'll be able to help them when all of this is over. I'll be able to speak into their lives, I'll be able to relate and understand their pain. 
I remember this every time something ELSE happens in my life. That and the Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle. So, not only can i handle these situations, but I will pass through them with flying colors and I'll be able to encourage others in the Lord and my testimony will do great things.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." Revelation 12:11

insensitive people

i don't know why some people think they need to "make me tough" by purposefully making some aspects of my life dramatic and difficult. stealing my phone and texting my boyfriend that im breaking up with him? really? twice in one week?
There's no reason for this. and honestly, the people that are doing this have no clue what i've been through recently. they have no idea what kind of stuff is happening, but they think i need to "get tougher"? it upsets me that these people think it's okay, and that they laugh in my face while im angry at them or call them out and say that they owe me an apology with tears streaming down my face. how insensitive.

Have you ever flown home from being away for nearly 3 weeks to news that your Dad was high and angry with your sister because she wouldnt give him YOUR truck keys? and he threatened her? and now you can't even stay at your house, you have to stay somewhere else for the next week and your mom's not there, your dad's not there and none of your siblings are there to just be a shoulder to cry on? you have to CALL them on the phone for any support? your CLOSEST family, the people that are the absolute closest to you..and you have to call them. you have to pick up the mess left at home.

maybe i do need to toughen up....but im not going to take that advice from someone who doesnt even know me. I'll take it from my mom or my very close friends and mentors...but not just some person i know.

im having enough trouble trying to keep myself together at my grandmothers house this week. being scared and cautious when i go to my house...it's a complicated mess.
But let me say this; if you don't know everything that's going on with someone, don't "try to fix them" or "toughen them up"...it's just not right, and you're not the judge of that.
I'm trying so so hard to keep my relationship with God going right now and it's hard, because stuff just gets worse and harder. I'm trying to not always cry and complain to God, but it's really hard when that's almost all i can do when im alone is cry.
Anyway, that's my rant right now. the end.