Brave

It's been nearly a year since I've blogged anything, holy. cow. haha

I just wanted to share this song and my thoughts on it. My Pastor, Terri Wright, turned this song on tonight at Xquisite ladies group.

ya'll know I surf and I have a great great passion for it. I couldn't imagine not surfing. I have this tick in me that wants to go to Costa Rica for missions and surf camps here for kids, it's a real huge passion and it is my heart beat.
I've had a really rough week and I've gotten to the point of not sleeping, not eating normally, withdrawing from things that I'd love on any other given day...Until Tuesday. I was literally laying in bed crying my eye balls right out of my face when I got up and got on my knees and just said "you know what, God, this isn't worth it. I surrender. I know there is freedom in surrender, I know you can give me joy and I just want to be happy again. Please take this from me and make me happy." And let me just tell you I've had to do that same exact thing more than once in the past day! But He took it all. I'm happy. I feel like I can DO life. I'm refocused and I'm sleeping and eating and it feels amazing.

Then this song came on tonight and I was just reading the words on the screen just floored. His love for me is so so great, guys.
"As Your love, in wave after wave Crashes over me, crashes over me. For you are for us, You are not against us, Champion of Heaven You've made a way for all to enter in....
You make me brave, You make me brave.
You called me beyond the shore into the waves."

Let me just tell you guys, This guy that we call God that we take so lightly so much of the time (I'm completely guilty of this) has such an intense love for us. Have you ever seen heavy surf? Have you ever been out in big surf? I've had to climb up my leash a few times in Costa Rica, I've seen 14-17 foot DUMPING in Hermosa that killed people earlier in the day, I've watched the waves come up and hit an exposed reef, I've seen the power of this water and the energy that it gives off and His LOVE is like that. It crashes over us and holds us down, sometimes until everything around us fails so that we can know his great strength and love for us. Other times it's quiet and glassy but it's always there and it's strength is never forgotten.

And His calling on your life is so huge. I am positive that Bethel/Amanda Cook/writers of this song has no idea how this one song has spoken to me. You called me beyond the shore into the waves. That's so beautiful in both the physical and the spiritual. He called me to go deeper with Him. He called me to get out in that water and not be afraid of the conditions but to just go and enjoy it.
I'm so glad God can speak to me in such intimate ways. Praise God.

You Make Me Brave

like a bride planning her wedding..

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand" Psalm 37:23&24

This evening I got home from a beautiful wedding and read this verse and the first thing that shot into my mind was regarding the sentence "He delights in every detail of their lives".

Like a bride planning for her wedding. She picks out the big things and little details. Big things like the venue, her dress, her wedding party, all the way down to the silverware, center pieces, manicures and table cloths. 

Brides-to-be obsess about every detail of their wedding from the time she gets that ring until just minutes before she walks down the aisle to her husband, and sometimes even before she gets the ring. The way a bride obsesses and delights in every little detail depicts what God does with His children. He watches every detail, He obsesses over us. 

For me, on this day, that is a very comforting thought. Things that have blown up in my face the past few days have been hurtful, leaving me asking "why me? What did I ever do to deserve this??" 

But just laying it in His hands and letting Him obsess over this situation is so much easier than me taking it head on all by myself. I'm thankful that He obsesses over me. I'm thankful to be called His little girl, His child. 

Joel 2

Verse 12, ..."Come with fasting, weeping and mourning. Don't tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead. Return to the Lord your God, for He is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish. Who knows? Perhaps he will give you a reprieve, sending you a blessing instead of this curse......(pick up at verse 19)The Lord will reply, 'Look! I am sending you grain and new wine and olive oil, enough to satisfy your needs. You will no longer be an object of mockery among the surrounding nations.........(verse26) Once again you will have all the food you want, and you will praise the Lord your God, who does these miracles for you. Never again will my people be disgraced...(28) Then after doing all those things I will pour out my Spirit upon all people." It keeps going but let's stop. I already skipped tons..

It's an If-Then promise. Basically, IF you eat your pride, sit yourself down and return to God with fasting and mourning, gather your people and pray and repent of your sins and turn from your wicked ways, God will THEN turn your curse into a blessing, He will show his unfailing love rather than His wrath, He will tell your enemies to get lost, and He will restore not only what you lost, but give you more than what you had. Notice in verse 26 it doesn't say "all the good you need"...no, all the food you WANT. (as a side note, do we as humans ever want something we don't need? case rested.)

I don't feel like God is always a Joel-Osteen-guy, because the truth is that we are His children, and like all children we disobey and get in trouble. He will not let us just sit in our disobedience and continue to give us all these good things, because it wouldn't be good for us. Eventually, by the grace of God, He will bring punishment on us so that we turn from our ways and do good. He doesn't want to do this, just like parents don't want to give their children spankings and ground them. But He has to because He is also a holy, just God. And His word will not come back void.

This portion of the Bible I hold close to my heart, because I'm going through a bit of a rough time. I haven't been obeying well in an area of my life, and I'm turning from that. Thank You Lord that I'm not promised what I deserve, but restoration and blessings. 

I hate "society"

I'm really just venting right now..

But I hate hate HATE society's opinion mattering in my life. Like....
people see photo's of my boyfriend and me and the first thing they say is "he looks like a decent guy. He just needs a hair cut."
SINCE WHEN did a HAIR CUT dictate whether a person is or is not a good person?!?!?! Maybe, juust maybe, he LIKES his hair like that, and Maybe I like his hair like that! So, who are you to butt in and tell me that he needs a hair cut. shut. up.
oh he doesn't know what he's doing after high school? that's not good, Lisa!
uhm...I didnt know what I was going to do with my life after high school!!! At a freaking CHURCH service I announced to the entire congregation that I was going to become a professional beach bum. And I was serious. If you really think that I'm going to work work work the rest of my life, you're kidding yourself. I'm a hard worker, don't mistake that. But I will not be a workaholic the rest of my life. heeckk no.
This is just a small example of the big one I'm struggling through right now..

And since when did everyone else's opinions about my life matter? When did we start letting others opinions dictate what we do and when we do it and how we do it? I'm so sick of it all. It makes me want to scream. I'm just so frustrated with this passive mentality right now. I think it's time to grow a back bone and say "HEY! This is what I'm going to do whether you like it or not. But your opinion about this action I'm taking doesn't matter because I've made up my mind. If you don't like it, buh-bye! DO NOT stick around and whine and complain to me about it. gooooo awaaaay."

But you see, I can be a very kind, nice person just to turn around and be extremely rude. I could piss the whole world off so quickly just because I really don't care what most people think about me. Even people whose opinions would normally matter to me! When it comes to some things, I don't care. good or bad, I don't know really. But again, I really don't care....

getting back up.

I wrote this in a letter to by dearest boyfriend...but I think everyone can hear this and get something or another from it.


I just want to remind people of something.
"Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up, but the wicked will stumble to ruin."
Proverbs 24:16

In the new testament, Peter denied Christ three times, even after Jesus told him that he would do it! He was warned, and three entire times, just as Jesus had warned, he denied Jesus when He needed Peter the most.

Peter really messed up, yeah. But let us remember that Peter was also the one who preached to thousands of people just weeks later and thousands of people accepted Jesus as their savior and started living radical lives for Him.
Jesus didn't beat Peter with a stick. He fulfilled him. Jesus healed the broken and hurting spots in Peters heart and soul and then sent him out to do good things for Himself.

So how can we relate this to today's world? Well, I relate it to several things but the example I will use on the internet will be my diet!
I have a very strong conviction about my body being a temple of Holy Spirit. I try my best to do well. I try to eat right, I exercise, I make an effort to stay fit. A lot of people tell me "Lisa, you're too much of a health freak.." But I dont think I am, because I'm just wanting to take care of myself.
But I still mess up. I eat that piece of chocolate. Today, I had a chicken sandwich from Sonny's, fries, and Pizza the latter half of my day. All that is is carbs, and it's my personal conviction that carbs are not good for me to consume a lot of. I try my best to limit my intake of carbs, fats, sugars and cheese.
point is, I messed up just today on my diet. I also messed up because I didnt make it to the gym for the leg workout I was supposed to do yesterday. But what do I do? I can't go back in time, I can't puke what I ate up, and I don't want to feel guilty the rest of my life. So tomorrow, I'm going to eat right and I'm going to get that leg workout in. I fell off my diet and exercise regiment. But I'm hopping right back on tomorrow.

So don't let things pound you into the ground. We aren't supposed to feel guilt and condemnation over our wrongs.God wants us to get up, dust ourselves off and continue the race. So what if we mess up again? That's why He sent His son, Jesus to forgive our sins. If He wanted us to live perfect lives He wouldn't have given us a "oh-crap-I-messed-up" option.
It's OKAY to mess up. Just get back up and continue the race the Lord has set before you. 

watch out for those who take refuge in the secret place.

To the people who have recently...
lied through your teeth right to my face, completely disrespected me, both as an adult and as a child of God, been un-just towards me and towards the people I love. Yes, to you who are convinced that you have done nothing wrong and that you have a "right" to be or do something. Who has with-held things that you have absolutely no right to with-hold. To you...

Just remember that God see's every single thing you do. He knows every intention. The things you are doing do not go unseen and they will not go ignored, because this little daughter of the King's is talking to Him about it. She's upset. She's hurt. She feels trapped. But she's talking to Him who knows all, in the secret place. She's working on being humble. She's working on loving the people who have hurt her so badly. She's trying to not worry about it, and she's trying to not let it bother her...but she has given it to the All Powerful One.

and here's another little tid-bit for you....
He will not let her cries go unheard. He will not let her pleading go unanswered. He will insure that Justice comes through for this little girl. He will not let the un-justness continue, and He will not allow it to go uncorrected.


Something that I think AMERICA's culture misses is that we have no rights. Sure..."what about our Constitution?"
That still doesn't mean we have any rights at all. Not in the Kingdom of God. So if you claim to be a Christian, you'd better believe that you have no rights except those permitted by His word.
"I have a right to disrespect you because you have disrespected me and I'm an adult and you're not. So it's okay."
WRONG.
two wrongs do not make a right, and if you're the adult, you should be mature enough to "do unto others as you would like to be done to you"
grow up.

but to those of you who even question if they have done any of the things listed above....just watch. you just watch. Because I have been getting mentored in this area. I have talked to God night after night, day after day about it. And it will not go un-noticed. Just watch.

let's just get real.

Dad encouraged me last night by saying this:

God promises that He will never give us anything we can't handle. Truth? Yes.
So, if that's the case, then He actually TRUSTS us with situations..So if I look at my life and think "wow...it's like I have problem after problem!" That's more like God saying "yeah, you do have problem after problem. But you're strong enough to handle it. I trust you with these situations to do the right thing."

So that's encouraging, especially because for me, it literally is like problem after problem. Issue after issue, and I can't confront the person I need to confront for another few months because IF I did, I would make things harder on myself.
(Only three or four people know of this particular situation..)

But even after these encouraging words, I can't help but think, especially as I scroll down facebook, "wow...you guys are so incredibly lucky...you're going to State in 4 different events, you're hanging out with your boyfriend/girlfriend without anyone breathing down your back, you can speak your mind freely, you don't live like you're walking on egg shells, you don't worry about some of the things I have to worry about,  you never, EVER had to live through most of the things I've been forced to live through, you are not injured and still hurting over things that happened a year ago..."
the list goes on and on. And I understand that I don't know everything about everyone. Everyone has their own little secrets. Cool.

I know I have victory. I know my enemy will be my footstool, I know they will have to watch me feast and they won't get any of the good food I get, I know I will be blessed, I know I will have peace and that justice in this situation will take place. And I know for a fact that in the next few years, the decisions that they are making now is going to come back and bite them right in the butt. And it's going to hurt like crazy. But that is what they're basically on their knee's begging for..

I know I've already been through a crap-load of stuff! I know I already have an awesome testimony about things that have just gone right for me. I am thankful for all of this.

But I'm still staring this battle down. I'm still having to deal with stuff I shouldn't have to deal with! And the fact that God trusts me with this is cool...but that doesn't mean I take pleasure in dealing with all of this. I'm currently doing better...I don't cry EVERY day. Probably every other day now.

This situation is teaching me some things too. Maybe that's what God's doing here...
1) I'm not here to kiss up to people's buttholes who think they are gods. THEY are the ones at fault here and if THEY don't take correction, if THEY aren't being convicted then that's their own problem.
2) It's taught me how to look for the fruits of the Spirit. And to not be extremely surprised when you DON'T find them.
3) It's really taught me to not get bitter and to forgive and not think "b*tch.." every time one particular name comes up.
4) Keeping a humble, teachable spirit will keep people from thinking "B*tch.." about me. ;) To not insist that I'm always right and to take correction.
5) It's taught me how to stand. and when I can't stand anymore, to continue to stand.
6) It's taught me to completely IGNORE what people think or say about me. What the heck does it matter anyway? Am I really going to let one person's stupid, unlearned opinion about me matter? no. Am I going to find beauty in myself and encourage myself in that? yes...
7) It's taught me discretion on how to handle immature people. Yes, I AM saying that I am more mature than the other person involved. And I say this without shame, and I'm not bragging. It's just true.
8) It's taught me how to view the situation from the other person's perspective, as twisted and wrong as it is.
9) It's taught me to not trust a living soul out there. I trust the people closely surrounding me, but no one else. And that's perfectly fine and healthy.
10) and it's teaching me how to beef up and correctly confront the other person involved. This has not taken place, neither will it for a few more months, but that's my exact point. correct confrontation is confrontation with the right words, the right attitude, and the right timing. And in some cases, with the right witnesses.

I view my life as an accelerated version as everyone else's life. If you knew some of the things I've dealt with and lived through, you would agree. I've matured far faster than a lot of people. Everyone is always going to think that I am too young for what I'm trying to accomplish. But that's okay. God knows I'm ready for what I'm battling or going for. If you think I'm too young for the things I'm doing then take it up with God. :P 

watch(wo)man

Honestly, I wouldn't be writing right now if I could simply say this to people's faces. Unfortunately, I see these things in people that I am in no position talk to about their faults because of the way they will behave and react to my confrontation....
But let me just say this....
If you claim to be a Christian, hear from God and have Holy Spirit in you, you also have the FRUIT of Holy Spirit. Let me briefly expand on this statement.
FRUIT. What is it? Fruit is something that comes off of a tree. A fruit tree produces fruit. Grapes will not grow on an orange tree and vice-versa. You can tell how good a tree is doing by it's fruit. If it produces sour fruit, you know something's wrong. But when it produces good, sweet fruit you know everything is good with it.
It's the same with the fruit of Holy Spirit.
"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.." (Galatians 5:22)

Let's put it this way, folks, to quickly and efficiently get my point across.
 If you do not have these fruits of the Spirit, the Spirit is not in you.
Know how I know this? God promises that this is truth. He says you reap what you sow.

Do not claim that you commune with God, that you have a good, strong relationship with Him, and do not claim that you have Holy Spirit in you if none of these things reflect in your life.

The second point I want to bring up is married to this same point.

If you are really full of the Spirit, you will not speak about your family so bitterly. You will not push them down. You will not say "you're retarded" or any harsh thing.

In my opinion, saying these things about your parents, siblings, and children makes you more of a jerkface to be around than a first degree murderer. There's special words used to describe you...words that I won't post on the internet...

And what bugs me the most is that these people post on facebook these verses of the Bible...yet I can see you have no Spirit in you. It's in plain sight.
The frustrating part is if I brought this to your attention, you would literally chew my head right off of my body. I'm not ready for that reaction...


And yes, I do ask "God, why do You show me these certain things in people that I can't even talk to, because they won't listen to a single word I say? I'd rather not see it and not have this beef with them deep inside..." It freakin sucks. 

red.

i have the sweetest, most loving boyfriend in the entire world, ya'll. Even when we can't spend time together he takes the time to write me a letter. And when i do get to see him, he truly treats me like a princess.
and I love him. And im thankful that my parents love him too.
one of the things that melted my heart today was "i like your dad."
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
ohmygoodness he knows how to steal my heart, that's for sure.
and to those of you who dont know...yeah we're talking about getting married. tying the knot.


which i know that's what's gonna happen because of recent events.


BUT anyway, i think THAT is really cool because I've prayed all my life "God please let my first boyfriend be the only boyfriend I ever have..."
<3 guess what, world! This girl waited til she was 18 to meet this guy. She never dated another. she stuck tight to her guns. She prayed a lot about it. And this is her reward. :)

no, neither of us are perfect. We have our moments that we don't get along. But we always come back to say "I'm sorry, I love you".
And all you freako's, jerks, weirdo's, meaners, rudenesses, and buttheads can lie all you want to either of us about the other. We know each other well enough to know a lie when we hear one. :P so there, suckers. take that and shove it where the sun dont shine...
and honestly, I'm not sorry for that attitude. There have been far too many liars butting their heads in our relationship trying to break us up. I'm tired of it. And that honestly is my attitude towards those people right now. None of it has done anything but strengthen our relationship. and...it's OUR relationship, not yours. Yes, I claim ownership of this on earth and in heaven, and for a reason.

anyway..I really wanted to brag on my boyfriend. Because I love him so much, and he's the best anyone could have.

whoops...

I made a big mistake this evening...
I knew better than to do this, but I did it.
It was so weird, I had gone to BCC for a career assessment and to talk to an adviser about results and such from that...the very moment I walked out of that building onto the campus, a "feeling" came on me. just hopeless. I was sad, depressed, I missed people a lot, I was impatient, quick to release stinging words from my mouth, it was horrible.
yeah I was under some major attack. and the thing that makes me upset a little is that I didn't see it when it happened.
I ended up saying some things that really hurt a few of the people I really really love, and it blew up.
All of this drama and heartache and worry all because I didn't fight the initial attack.

But, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I hope and pray that others learn from my bad example.
The Lord lead me to I John tonight after all of this...

"But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world."
I John 4:4

Just previous to this verse, it's talking about false prophets, what to look for in a true prophet of God, and then it continues to say how false prophets have the spirit of the antichrist, which is a spirit OF THE WORLD...
So the Spirit (God, Holy Spirit) who lives in me is greater than the spirit who subsides in the world.
That's when I was like "ohhh, I messed up..."

We all make mistakes. Yes, even as Christians. But Jesus died for exactly that, so that we can be forgiven, given a second, third, fourth, five-hundredth chance. And our mistakes doesn't make Him love us any less.

I'd also like to just acknowledge that I have a great boyfriend, who encourages me in the middle of all of this. "do me a favor, go to your room, lay on your bed, and read the Bible. I dont even care what you read, just read something. and then pray..." and he proceeded to give me specific things to pray for and about.
wise words. very wise words. <3

"Fall"

I see posts on Facebook about fall. For me, when fall starts to come, it's like 3 months of holiday preparation. pumpkin everything, followed up with peppermints and lights. and I'm actually looking forward to all of it this year, which seems so strange to me.

Which brings another thought to mind...
Last year at this time, my life was slowly but surely going down the tubes. My entire family was having issues with several different things and I remember thinking, "is there a break anywhere? Any glimmering little light? Any chance that this hell I'm walking through won't last the rest of my life? It's coming from every possible direction..."
LAST YEAR, the miserable-holidays (which were incredibly lonely) kicked off the next 3 months. Dad had left again before Christmas. We didn't decorate the house at all. no lights, no tree, I didn't even buy anyone's presents 'til after Christmas day. It was hard.
January 2012 I got a job. I was working my butt off, going to school and swimming my heart out. I'd leave at 9am and not get back home until 6pm MAYBE.
then my Dad ended up in the ICU. that was horrific....he was in there for a week before I went to see him. (something that i really regret) My Mom and my sister, Amy, had been begging me to go see him. The night I went to see him for the first time, was the eve of the day they were going to put a breathing tube in him. He labored so hard for each and every breath. He was skinny, he had lost hair and he was so pale. I could only be there for 30 seconds tops before I raced out of his room, through the ICU doors and into the waiting room to cry. There was another family in there when I got in the room trying to hold myself together. Their expressions I will never forget. I must have looked horrified. It hurts just to remember....
for 47 running days, I cried at work, struggled to keep my grades up, ran a lot and swam as hard as I could. I swam at every swim meet I could get into just to keep myself busy. I broke a few PR's during that time...

But this year is looking much much better. This holiday season appears to be much happier. Little Finley (Amy's son) was born a month ago. Dad's at a program and not out on the streets. Stephen's with me. It's going to be a much happier time. and for that, I'm thankful.

wisdom perhaps?

im so tired of people waiting for my family and me to come to their every beckoning call to kiss their butt. Or people looking down on us because of some of the stuff we've been through.

news flash: as much as we hate to admit it, we cannot control everything in our lives that happens.

so don't look down on me or think that im gonna come running to kiss your butt because of what ive been through or because i did it for someone else. you don't know my situation. you dont know my reasoning. and ill go out of my way a lot of the time...but the SECOND you start demanding me to go out of my way is when i come to a screeching stop. im done letting people run all over me. im even done with MOST peoples opinions.

think about it; PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. every single person out there is different. we are each set apart from each other. no one person is exactly like the next so...considering there are SO many people, and the world is currently in sin, it's reasonable to say that there will be people each of us will run into that we just don't like. Personality differences! you're gonna hit heads with people. that's just the way the world is.

SO.....
why would anyone let another persons' opinion about them effect their daily life? Even if it's someone closer to them!
why would anyone allow that? It's silly! peoples' opinions aren't THAT important!

all this to say, if you don't like me, just say so. it's not going to devastate me. and don't come to me saying "oh i just love you so much!" and then turn around and tell someone else how much you can't stand me and how annoying i am. shutuuuuup!
ohmygosh that's a freaking bold-faced LIE!

your opinion about me doesn't matter that much anyways. so save me from getting super pissed off, and save your lies for someone else, cause ill find out what you said anyway, and just tell me straight up.

this is all i have to say. im distancing myself from the people around me that are doing these exact things. fortunately, i will still have my closest family, my important friend, and Stephen. that's all that matters to me right now. I've been shattered the past few months. I need some mega-healing time.

i win.

There's a few things I'd like to briefly address. 

life will not "take it easy" on you. i know that for a fact. life is hard. 
there will always be people that don't like you. There will be people that attack you. There will be situations that eat away at your thoughts. There will be things that make you cry for hours, and all you'll be able to do is curl up in the fetal position. You won't always make people happy. There will be times that you're trying to do the right thing, but every bit of your flesh is screaming at you to retaliate or try to fix it. You'll have to pray for people that have hurt you. You'll have to love your enemies. You'll agree to disagree. People that are supposed to minister to you and support you and "be on your side" and encourage you in the Lord will pretty much crap on your face. 

-but-

That's when The Lord promises such amazing things to you. And yeah, you'll have to labor for it. Your faith will be tested. But when God promises something, it always comes to pass. His word will not return void. 

He promises stuff like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

i like this version because it says "when you walk through the fire you will not be burned." When you touch fire, it immediately burns you. But He says that it won't even burn you. 

And then, after His promises come to pass, there's yet another promise that I've stood on for a long long time. It kind of encourages you in the middle of the fight, but it's also a reward afterwards.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weakened knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13
this means, to me, that I'm marking out a path right now. I'm going through stuff that people will go through after me, and I'll be able to help them when all of this is over. I'll be able to speak into their lives, I'll be able to relate and understand their pain. 
I remember this every time something ELSE happens in my life. That and the Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle. So, not only can i handle these situations, but I will pass through them with flying colors and I'll be able to encourage others in the Lord and my testimony will do great things.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." Revelation 12:11

insensitive people

i don't know why some people think they need to "make me tough" by purposefully making some aspects of my life dramatic and difficult. stealing my phone and texting my boyfriend that im breaking up with him? really? twice in one week?
There's no reason for this. and honestly, the people that are doing this have no clue what i've been through recently. they have no idea what kind of stuff is happening, but they think i need to "get tougher"? it upsets me that these people think it's okay, and that they laugh in my face while im angry at them or call them out and say that they owe me an apology with tears streaming down my face. how insensitive.

Have you ever flown home from being away for nearly 3 weeks to news that your Dad was high and angry with your sister because she wouldnt give him YOUR truck keys? and he threatened her? and now you can't even stay at your house, you have to stay somewhere else for the next week and your mom's not there, your dad's not there and none of your siblings are there to just be a shoulder to cry on? you have to CALL them on the phone for any support? your CLOSEST family, the people that are the absolute closest to you..and you have to call them. you have to pick up the mess left at home.

maybe i do need to toughen up....but im not going to take that advice from someone who doesnt even know me. I'll take it from my mom or my very close friends and mentors...but not just some person i know.

im having enough trouble trying to keep myself together at my grandmothers house this week. being scared and cautious when i go to my house...it's a complicated mess.
But let me say this; if you don't know everything that's going on with someone, don't "try to fix them" or "toughen them up"...it's just not right, and you're not the judge of that.
I'm trying so so hard to keep my relationship with God going right now and it's hard, because stuff just gets worse and harder. I'm trying to not always cry and complain to God, but it's really hard when that's almost all i can do when im alone is cry.
Anyway, that's my rant right now. the end. 

glass beach

Man i feel like my family's really been going through the ringer lately. I don't really feel like describing all that's gone on in the past 8 hours of my life alone, but i will say this just to encourage myself and to encourage whoever chooses to read this.....
I was talking to my mom the other night about some of the things my family goes through when i was reminded of a beach i heard about, i think in Cali.

It was a dumpsite for old glass. Now when glass breaks it's sharp and not safe....but when it's rubbed against other objects by the tide and water at this beach, the glass is worn down to soft, rounded pieces. It's safe then.
It was supposed to be a DUMP SITE....but now it's an attraction. it's beautiful. But first it had to be grounded down, it had to be tossed and turned and knocked around against other stuff.
the most beautiful people are the one's that have been through the most heartache.  It's true. I've met people that are the sweetest, most gentle beings in the world...and then i hear what all they've gone through.
When you go through the tossing and turning, you get understanding. You come out on the other side being able to step back from the situation and assessing all aspects before allowing yourself to "feel" any way about it. I already see that in myself and I know Im not done with all this yet. yay.

Beautiful Things

sometimes i feel like this song is all about me.
"You make beautiful things out of dust, You make beautiful things out of us"

to the 5 followers that i have on here, but i guess mostly to future me, who will look back on all of this and say "yeah..i lived through that.", you know some of the junk ive gone through. i deal with a lot of rejection. My heart has been drug through the mud and dirt. it's been beaten and bruised and abused. I've gone through some tough freakin stuff that I'd never wish for anyone else.
real-life example: This week my Dad came home high. he gave me a hug. But the worst part about that is that when he WASNT high (the last time i'd seen him before this...) i gave him a hug....and he didnt hug me back. But he gave me a hug when he was high. That still tears me to shreds inside.
he called me from someone's phone and when i called them back(because i missed the call) this lady had the nerve to say "you take care of him. im his friend and he just needs to be taken care of. i really care about him" okay "lady", I've never heard your name when my Dad was straight and clear-minded. Therefore, you are NOT his friend and you dont give a rip about him. Im lucky there were children around when that phone call was made. When the human heart is hurt and someone decides to stab it one more time, the head retaliates and wants to say very mean, hurtful things to other people. Worse yet, when youre angry your head doesnt think things through very well. God THANK YOU that there were children around....what grace and mercy.


This is just one small example, not to mention all the other times something has happened. Im certainly not bragging about this at all, im not trying to win the "my life is worse than yours" contest like a lot of people do.
But being very honest and clear about this stuff, i believe, will be a testimony to others later. I'll be able to reach people who deal with what Im currently going through.

This is more for girls....
when you're drug through the dirt and rocks and you get hurt, remember that He makes beautiful things out of the crap. This is an extremely important and pressing thing to share. So many girls don't think they're beautiful, inside or out. But God makes us beautiful. We might go through a lot, it may be ugly, but the Lord still makes beautiful things out of our ashes. i honestly cant find words to perfectly describe the reality of all of this.

so maybe today you're just having a rough day. Maybe you're worried or being tossed around and stressed out. Maybe someone said something hurtful, or worse yet did something hurtful.
dont be afraid. The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust. It may be an ugly situation right now, but a week, month, year in the future, it'll look better. Don't loose hope. He doesn't give up on us, so let's not let ourselves give up on  Him :) in His perfect timing everything will come together as it ought to.

it's very simple; just do it.

Here's a novel idea for everyone to adopt: "Just Do It!" -Nike

really, this is such a simple thing to do, but we are (for lack of other describing words that aren't coming to mind..) lazy americans.
i find myself saying "i need to workout, go to work, go to the store, go to the bank, clean my room, organize my desk, do laundry blah blah blah.."
and then i sit around and do nothing. But in reality, doing these things are extremely simple. hop in the car and go! the hardest part of doing stuff is literally stepping out the door.
to get started with something, all we need to do is to Just Do It.
i try to remember this every day. I usually set goals for stuff i need to do each day, i make a mental list of things i need to accomplish. Sometimes it's "go to the beach and surf all day" and other days it's "clean my room and get to work" it's not hard to do.
i think part of our problem is that most Americans with jobs have hours that they work. They have zero choice in this matter. if you're scheduled to show up at 10am and leave at 5pm, you're at work for that time period. When you have no choice in whether you go to school or work  or not, it's not hard to get out and just do it.
but i have a job where i go in when i want for however long i want. That freedom is nice, but i can also spot my own laziness extremely quickly.
so i've adopted "just do it".
Set a small list of goals and things you want to accomplish within a day (not a week! that allows too much time) and then JUST DO IT. bam. and when you're done with that list, you can go have fun and enjoy yourself. it's no big deal ;) 

graduation 2012

oh man...yesterday i graduated high school. the past 12 years of my 18 years on this earth i've worked for this hard and diligently 5-6, and at times 7 days a week at all hours of the day and night. I've had tons of cram nights that i stay up til ridiculous hours of the morning studying for exams, and plenty of tests i didnt study for. I've had late papers that "my dog ate" and plenty of stressful tears shed over the years.
haha i remember back in like first or second grade i was doing school work one afternoon in the "school room" (which is now my room, ironically) and i was trying to get done with a worksheet before Reading Rainbow came on tv because i really wanted to watch it. It was a hard worksheet at the time, but i worked through it with the encouraging words of my Mom and my older sisters, and got done just in time to watch my show.
There was one semester in fourth grade that i got up at 6am to get my school done early so i could help my mom in the garden.
There were PLENTY of times that i did all of my school work in the car on the way to events and field trips. Going to "Girls Club" with Corrie, April, Bethany and Happy. Coming out to the table for classes my Mom was teaching that i was a part of.
Going to swim meets that consisted of munching on chocolate chip cookies, swimming all day and smelling sunscreen. Laughing the whole breakstroke event that i swam because my parents and sisters were at the other end of the pool yelling...which was really funny.
going to horse lessons with Mrs. Jane and riding Abby and meeting my first horse.
The day that Mom told me that we were getting Topper and the excitement i had when Corrie and i woke up the following morning and went to the barn to see my first big crush: my horse.
riding down the road with Carina and Christina when it started POURING down rain. We got back to the barn soaked and freezing.
waking up at 5am on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays in the summer time to go feed and groom my horse before it got too hot and begging Mom to give me a few minutes to ride bareback before we left. I used to hurry to groom the three horses so i could beat her cleaning up the stalls so id have 5 minutes to ride.
Horsecamp. Must i say more?
going to Latvia. the Jr high small group where we ate the childrens ministry's candy. Hillary saying that it was bathingsuit season and we'd better watch our diets. walking. dancing. being scared in the hostel in Riga. plane rides....
going to Colorado and South Dakota. climbing the Ninja route!!! sleeping on the edge of a mountain in the snow. not feeling my toe for months after. puking a lot. that kitchen at the Rez where i spent a LOT of time....
2010..going to Tennessee. meeting people that would literally change my life forever. OHMYGOSH Mrs. Brookin's class! learning to surf.
2011, getting ready to be a senior. going to Regionals and being .01 seconds off of going to State. the cold cold meets and the really hot ones. and SURF CAMPS!!!! i loved EPIC's surf camps so much and every one that was even minutely involved. seeing the sunrise on the beach every morning.
and now 2012. Stephen stepped into my life. finishing classes and here i am. graduated.
im reminded of how quickly life passes us by. life just happens and we decide how we want our lives to be. and this scares me now because i am eighteen, im an adult and now im graduated from high school. so my life is mine now. My parents have done their job. now it's my turn to decide how i want my life to go. and that's the scary part....
but with God right here with me helping to decide and guiding me along the right path, i dont have to fear. It makes me nervous, especially right now that it's just all happened so quickly, but i dont have to be afraid of life. life is a good thing. time is good. i want to use my life and my time wisely. i want to set goals for myself. i want to succeed in all of this and i want to hear God say "well done, My good and faithful servant" at the end of my time. I'd love for Him to say it even while im here to encourage me...but we'll see about that ;)
so, dear graduates, congrats. this is your life, you have free will. i hope and pray you follow God and choose to honor Him in all your ways. I know i neeeeeed His help. i dont want to even attempt to do this without Him.
so that's all i have to say. it's scary, but it's not. the end.

just saying..

i love being with people that i feel like i can be myself with. I can not wear any make up at all and still feel beautiful with them and i can be a complete dork, nerd, whatever, and they love me anyway. They think im beautiful with messy beach hair and no mascara, eyeliner or shadow on. they think im fun to be around even though i invited them over to play phase ten, and walk around the house with a pair of geek glasses on. 

i love being with them, because i love being me, and i love feeling like i can be me and still be loved. 

There are few people i can be like this with. 

my family, but this hardly counts cause they have to love me haha

Stephen

Lauren 

Kristin

Reghan/Piper/Brooklyne

that's a short list. but im perfectly fine with that, because they're who matters. end of story. <3

parents

i know a lot of people my age that really can't stand their parents. they're always like "im so annoyed when my mom opens her mouth." or "i hate my mom." or "ohmygosssssh my dad pisses me off!"
well..i know where you're coming from. im your age too, and sometimes i get frustrated with my mom and especially my dad.
but here's something i think a lot of us have missed that i certainly haven't.
1) they really love you. sometimes you think they're just being difficult, but 99.9999% of the time it's for your own good. the .0001% is for someone elses' sake.
2) parents go through a lott of crap. circumstances that they can't control come up and it's just a nasty mess. and they can't do ANYTHING about it. all they can do is try to make it better or easier, but they can't always just fix it. the world is a cruel place, and they're just trying to get through it just like you and me.

so next time you think to yourself "wow my mom is being really annoying right now..", step back and evaluate the situation. They gotta run through the crap too. try to see where they're coming from. is your attitude going to make anything better for them? or even yourself? or anyone?
i understand, you need to vent at times. i totalllllly get that. but i would never say "i hate my mom" or "im annoyed when she opens her mouth."
maybe it's just her personality. maybe she just REALLY cares about you. maybe she's having a rough day and she needs a few minutes of peace.

My mom is the most amazing woman i know. legit. with all the junk that's gone on in all of our lives in the past 12 years, and especially recently...i would have blown up. i have! but she's handled it all with such grace. it's amazing.

AND, enjoy the time you have with your parents. because TRUST me, when one of your parents are laying in a hospital bed in the ICU inches from death, you think about every time you rejected them or showed an attitude or even got annoyed with them. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DID! no matter how much they've hurt you in the past, no matter how much heart-ache they've caused you.
i can talk like this because i have been there. in my 18 short years on this earth i've learned a lot more than most people my age have, but it's because i've walked through a lot of junk. i would never wish what ive walked through for anyone, but i would hope that you would listen to me and not have to experience it for yourself, because it's like living hell.
anyway, im done ranting. listen, learn, change. that's all.