question o' the day

i have a question for the whole world to answer, please.

do i have an unattractive personality?

I contemplated this today as i was riding my bike around downtown. i was dressed in normal clothes; shorts and a shirt. nothin' special. but a lot of guys that drove by were doing things like waving, honking and yelling "ay hotty!" out of their car....
now, this flattered me a little. but at the same time it made me wonder what's wrong with me too. why don't people i know on a personal level like me?
do i blow up too much? do i get too stressed and carry it over? am i too clingy, needy, complainy? do i have too much crap going on in my life that comes out? am i too crazy? too weird? too focused? not focused enough? am i just plain ole' annoying?
People get noticed for their appearance, but they're known for their personality.
i can't answer this on my own, so ill take whatever ya'll throw at me and work with it, or on it, as the case may be.

i want to be the best person i can be. i want to be pretty on the outside, but i want to be drop-dead gorgeous on the inside. 

you gonna put me in a song? sweet.

wow, what a busy week i have had!!
I've been writing a research paper that i should have done weeks ago that is due tomorrow morning (i have legitimate reasons this slipped my mind..no hard feelings about this.)
I've worked only 14 hours or so this week due to having to study and helping at the house.
I have improved so much in swimming this week it's almost scary. but im glad. Seeing both of your coaches' faces light up when they look at their stop watch is the most rewarding thing to ever experience at practice ever. the next two weekends at my meets im dropping time. :D and im excited about that. running and weights have definitely paid off, so i shall continue to do what i've been doing :)
in general, i've just been a happy person this week.
i went to the beach yesterday and got a nice tan, and i started correcting my bad tan lines (in vain...because they'll be back this week when i go to practice.) but still, i can feel good about it for the two days i have off.
i honestly don't know how i do what i do, but i do it.

i think people underestimate what they're capable of. i know i do, even in practice. Tash throws me 200 IM's on a 3:30 interval in practice and my first thought was "you've got to be kidding me." but then i do it, and i make them all with 20 seconds rest in between.
THATS ANOTHER THING.
20 seconds is a really long time. like, in swimming let's say you're given 8 200's and you reach the wall each time with 20 seconds to spare between them? that's a long time. 20 seconds is a very long time...that's off topic though.
when i did those 200 IM's and wasn't passed by anyone AND had a few seconds rest in between after being moved up a lane, i felt really good about myself. sure, i pushed myself hard in that 200, i got on the wall and was very tired and out of breath. but to just keep going is easy..it's like deciding you're going to run 2 miles every morning. you just get up out of bed, put your shoes on and take that first step. you just do it, one stride at a time. If everyone literally just ran one stride at a time and didn't stop when it started to hurt a little, we'd get so much more done. in the morning, i wake up and run and this is what goes through my mind..."yeah that stride hurt a little, my knee/hip/ankle threw a fit, but one more stride and it'll go away." (next stride) "ahh, see? didn't hurt as bad that time."
a lot of what we do is 90% physical and 10% mental. but that 10% seems to take up more space than it should, and we seem to yell at ourselves a lot. if we would get past ourselves and just do what we gotta do and don't think about it too much, we'd get so much done. we'd surprise ourselves.
that's where i'm at. stop thinking about what i have to do and just do it, and then when you do think about what you did, you're like "woah that's so cool. i did that!"
i take this concept into my work, school, swimming...just all over life. haha. it's a great way for me to live, considering all the hell that's been flying in my life. i am by far a much happier person when i live like this. im just gonna keep going from where i am :)

a short lesson about me.

the past few days I've been thinking a lot. (Especially at work or when im running.)
i know what my "problem" is!! I simply really really love people....and in reality, that's not a problem at all, but some people treat it that way and you're fixing to find out about all this so just keep reading..k?

i love love love so many people in my life. I want to just give everyone a hug and talk to them and get up close and personal and be completely honest with them and i want to be a person that they feel comfortable with so that they can do the same. I want to just love them so much!!!
but (recently) I've crossed paths with a few people that are afraid of love. They have best friends that last a few months and then they move on to a whole new set of friends. "they never stick around for long with them.." is what everyyone says. they're afraid to love people, and they're afraid to be loved. They have their reasons, their hurts, and their pains i am sure.
(and me, just now figuring all this out after not even talking to this particular person in almost two months) -___- I got hurt by this. i thought they had a personal thing against me and it hurt a lot because me and this person were really close. I've spent the last two months occasionally trying to figure stuff out and what to do about it to make it all better..
well, today, i finally got it. just love 'em anyways. Maybe the reject it right now, ok. don't be annoying and insistent, but be there. everytime i see that person, im going to say 'i love you'. never bash them, never talk about them to other people negatively (cause word gets around quick..) always say "i love them."
that's my job, that's my goal. They might be afraid to love and to be loved, but i will not. and i will love the way Jesus did; with no reservations, no regrets and no stipulations. im just going to love that person(s) just because i can.
What's done is done, we forgive. my pastor said this past week that the definition of forgiveness is releasing the right to hate. well, i forgive. :] i hold no regrets.
i hope everything turns out good for this person. I hope that one day soon we can be best buds like we were last semester. 'til then, ill just love 'em.

To Tyla. 2/8/12

This is a note that, maybe one day, ill print up and give to my sweet sweet niece, Tyla.

Dear Tyla,
Today is your sixth birthday. i cannot believe how quickly the time has passed! The day you were born, everyone in the family was extremely happy and excited, as you were the first grand baby and niece in the family. I felt a special new responsibility to be the best aunt ever. To provide for you where i could, to love you and to encourage you in every way i found possible. I've watched you grow up into such a beautiful little girl! You have a servants heart, and you are full of compassion, forgiveness and love. It's been a wonderful six years, watching you grow up into such a wonderful person, and i look forward to watching you continue to grow.
Baby girl, you are capable of doing so much with your life, and i can see already that you will go far in life. Set your eyes on the prize, and i know you will reach it.
This year I'm going away to college and i will sincerely miss seeing you every afternoon when you get home from school. I am always here for you, Ty, whenever you need me.
I love you more than you know, sweetheart! 

meh

i have seriously lived through the most terrifying week of my life. the past 2 months i've lived through a teenage girls' hell.
and y'know, i put on a great smile when it's appropriate. but sometimes at night before i go to bed, when im all alone in my dark room with my music on, i get sad. it's like my brain gets a chance to catch up from the business of my day and comprehend all the stress and bad news and all the confusion that comes that i totally missed in the day time due to just being busy. and it's times like those that i need someone to just be close to. even if it's through text.
but im (sadly) at the point that i feel that i've exhausted everyone around me. so many bad things have happened to me that i've told people about that i feel like a debbie downer everytime i open my mouth. so i just shut it. i try to not complain. and i try to keep my talking about it to a minimum, because people come in and tell me all this stuff that sounds so simple, but it's much harder to apply.
i've lived through a lot of crap in a short 18 years.

so i just sit in my room and sing in my head to myself..."it's a damn cold night try'na figure out this life.."
and think "yeah...figuring life out right now's a challenge." boys..school..freaking people..work..swimming...
and it's not like i can just "give up" on those things, cause i want to get married, i want an education, i want to work and make money and i want to swim!! so i can't just give up...but man right now it's a challenge. if any one of those things would just simplify itself in my life; just get easier, then i could strive. if the right guy could come around, the kind that i just need right now, that doesnt bug the crap out of me, that i actually like and he actually likes me back...that'd work.
if i could just get A's in every class without trying soo hard, if it just came easy..
if i could earn $20 an hour instead of $7, and be able to work the same amount of time and the same hours as i do now...
if i could just suddenly go into insane beast-mode in swimming and become a star that schools are fighting for me all of the sudden, that would be fantastic.
and if all of these things happened, i wouldnt have so much of a reason to stress. life would simplify itself a little bit at least.
but life is there for us to struggle through.
so ill continue to struggle my way through this life of mine. maybe one day ill thrive.

think it through.

why do people feel the need to be insanely mean to others?

here's my way of thinking....
you have no idea what other people are going through. You don't know what's going through his or her head, you don't know what their family life holds, and you don't know the things they've done that they haven't told you about. you don't know whether they've done something they truly regret or not. So, before you say something mean, why be mean? What if that person you just said that to was thinking about suicide? what if they were debating doing drugs, drinking, having sex, to try to fill an empty void? what if they're at their breaking point in life? what if they're at their lowest low that they've ever been at, and they're just putting on a plastic smile to cover it up? What if? 
Before you go and bash someone, let's take a step back and think. Could they be going through a lot of crap in life right now? and if it's even minutely possible, be nice. Your words to that person could make or break them. Your act of cruelty or kindness can make the decision for them about committing suicide. 


I know how it feels to have chaos going on in life and then someone saying something really mean. They say it and it feels like you were drop-kicked in the stomach; like you don't have enough strength to stand anymore. You wonder why you're still breathing, you question why you try to fight through all the crap anymore. "the whole world is crashing down anyway, and im not gonna make it out alive anyway, so why live through anymore? why don't i just go away forever. at least then i can't hurt anymore.."
i have been there. it's heartbreaking. everything hurts. it is possible to hurt emotionally soooo bad that physically your body hurts. i've been there. So this is me on my knee's begging you...

be nice. be kind. be the difference. don't drive someone to kill themselves; don't let that happen on your watch. You truly could be the only reason someone's alive right now, so don't screw that up. 


"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? i could really use a wish right now..."

hands offf

i love the church im currently attending. West Side is so quiet. i love it. Pastor Jeremy's voice even is very calm and soothing to listen to.
but my point of writing today is this; ive been fighting too much. i've been fighting my own battles and we can SEE where that's gotten me. nooo wheere.
so, what else is there to do? i've fought hard for relationships that arent gonna happen. They're not getting better with all my hard-headed fighting for them.
So im gonna step back and take my hands off for a few weeks. Maybe stuff will get better then.

i was thinking about all of this in church today. Pastor Jeremy was talking about how fear keeps us paralyzed and how our fighting isn't necessary, because He can win the battle a lot easier and a lot better than us. so....
hands off. i might need to hide my phone or just leave it home for some of this time. i might need to not talk to some people and instead talk to others. maybe delete some numbers. maybe get a new number. i dont know...but im going to do what it takes.
it's like a "i love you so much, that im going to leave you alone because it's better for you" thing.
if you're reading this, though i doubt you are, i love you forever and always; please remember that, even if im not there to tell you....through the good the bad and the ugly. happy, sad, or whatever. <3
hands off now.