i win.

There's a few things I'd like to briefly address. 

life will not "take it easy" on you. i know that for a fact. life is hard. 
there will always be people that don't like you. There will be people that attack you. There will be situations that eat away at your thoughts. There will be things that make you cry for hours, and all you'll be able to do is curl up in the fetal position. You won't always make people happy. There will be times that you're trying to do the right thing, but every bit of your flesh is screaming at you to retaliate or try to fix it. You'll have to pray for people that have hurt you. You'll have to love your enemies. You'll agree to disagree. People that are supposed to minister to you and support you and "be on your side" and encourage you in the Lord will pretty much crap on your face. 

-but-

That's when The Lord promises such amazing things to you. And yeah, you'll have to labor for it. Your faith will be tested. But when God promises something, it always comes to pass. His word will not return void. 

He promises stuff like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

i like this version because it says "when you walk through the fire you will not be burned." When you touch fire, it immediately burns you. But He says that it won't even burn you. 

And then, after His promises come to pass, there's yet another promise that I've stood on for a long long time. It kind of encourages you in the middle of the fight, but it's also a reward afterwards.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weakened knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13
this means, to me, that I'm marking out a path right now. I'm going through stuff that people will go through after me, and I'll be able to help them when all of this is over. I'll be able to speak into their lives, I'll be able to relate and understand their pain. 
I remember this every time something ELSE happens in my life. That and the Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle. So, not only can i handle these situations, but I will pass through them with flying colors and I'll be able to encourage others in the Lord and my testimony will do great things.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." Revelation 12:11

insensitive people

i don't know why some people think they need to "make me tough" by purposefully making some aspects of my life dramatic and difficult. stealing my phone and texting my boyfriend that im breaking up with him? really? twice in one week?
There's no reason for this. and honestly, the people that are doing this have no clue what i've been through recently. they have no idea what kind of stuff is happening, but they think i need to "get tougher"? it upsets me that these people think it's okay, and that they laugh in my face while im angry at them or call them out and say that they owe me an apology with tears streaming down my face. how insensitive.

Have you ever flown home from being away for nearly 3 weeks to news that your Dad was high and angry with your sister because she wouldnt give him YOUR truck keys? and he threatened her? and now you can't even stay at your house, you have to stay somewhere else for the next week and your mom's not there, your dad's not there and none of your siblings are there to just be a shoulder to cry on? you have to CALL them on the phone for any support? your CLOSEST family, the people that are the absolute closest to you..and you have to call them. you have to pick up the mess left at home.

maybe i do need to toughen up....but im not going to take that advice from someone who doesnt even know me. I'll take it from my mom or my very close friends and mentors...but not just some person i know.

im having enough trouble trying to keep myself together at my grandmothers house this week. being scared and cautious when i go to my house...it's a complicated mess.
But let me say this; if you don't know everything that's going on with someone, don't "try to fix them" or "toughen them up"...it's just not right, and you're not the judge of that.
I'm trying so so hard to keep my relationship with God going right now and it's hard, because stuff just gets worse and harder. I'm trying to not always cry and complain to God, but it's really hard when that's almost all i can do when im alone is cry.
Anyway, that's my rant right now. the end. 

glass beach

Man i feel like my family's really been going through the ringer lately. I don't really feel like describing all that's gone on in the past 8 hours of my life alone, but i will say this just to encourage myself and to encourage whoever chooses to read this.....
I was talking to my mom the other night about some of the things my family goes through when i was reminded of a beach i heard about, i think in Cali.

It was a dumpsite for old glass. Now when glass breaks it's sharp and not safe....but when it's rubbed against other objects by the tide and water at this beach, the glass is worn down to soft, rounded pieces. It's safe then.
It was supposed to be a DUMP SITE....but now it's an attraction. it's beautiful. But first it had to be grounded down, it had to be tossed and turned and knocked around against other stuff.
the most beautiful people are the one's that have been through the most heartache.  It's true. I've met people that are the sweetest, most gentle beings in the world...and then i hear what all they've gone through.
When you go through the tossing and turning, you get understanding. You come out on the other side being able to step back from the situation and assessing all aspects before allowing yourself to "feel" any way about it. I already see that in myself and I know Im not done with all this yet. yay.

Beautiful Things

sometimes i feel like this song is all about me.
"You make beautiful things out of dust, You make beautiful things out of us"

to the 5 followers that i have on here, but i guess mostly to future me, who will look back on all of this and say "yeah..i lived through that.", you know some of the junk ive gone through. i deal with a lot of rejection. My heart has been drug through the mud and dirt. it's been beaten and bruised and abused. I've gone through some tough freakin stuff that I'd never wish for anyone else.
real-life example: This week my Dad came home high. he gave me a hug. But the worst part about that is that when he WASNT high (the last time i'd seen him before this...) i gave him a hug....and he didnt hug me back. But he gave me a hug when he was high. That still tears me to shreds inside.
he called me from someone's phone and when i called them back(because i missed the call) this lady had the nerve to say "you take care of him. im his friend and he just needs to be taken care of. i really care about him" okay "lady", I've never heard your name when my Dad was straight and clear-minded. Therefore, you are NOT his friend and you dont give a rip about him. Im lucky there were children around when that phone call was made. When the human heart is hurt and someone decides to stab it one more time, the head retaliates and wants to say very mean, hurtful things to other people. Worse yet, when youre angry your head doesnt think things through very well. God THANK YOU that there were children around....what grace and mercy.


This is just one small example, not to mention all the other times something has happened. Im certainly not bragging about this at all, im not trying to win the "my life is worse than yours" contest like a lot of people do.
But being very honest and clear about this stuff, i believe, will be a testimony to others later. I'll be able to reach people who deal with what Im currently going through.

This is more for girls....
when you're drug through the dirt and rocks and you get hurt, remember that He makes beautiful things out of the crap. This is an extremely important and pressing thing to share. So many girls don't think they're beautiful, inside or out. But God makes us beautiful. We might go through a lot, it may be ugly, but the Lord still makes beautiful things out of our ashes. i honestly cant find words to perfectly describe the reality of all of this.

so maybe today you're just having a rough day. Maybe you're worried or being tossed around and stressed out. Maybe someone said something hurtful, or worse yet did something hurtful.
dont be afraid. The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust. It may be an ugly situation right now, but a week, month, year in the future, it'll look better. Don't loose hope. He doesn't give up on us, so let's not let ourselves give up on  Him :) in His perfect timing everything will come together as it ought to.

it's very simple; just do it.

Here's a novel idea for everyone to adopt: "Just Do It!" -Nike

really, this is such a simple thing to do, but we are (for lack of other describing words that aren't coming to mind..) lazy americans.
i find myself saying "i need to workout, go to work, go to the store, go to the bank, clean my room, organize my desk, do laundry blah blah blah.."
and then i sit around and do nothing. But in reality, doing these things are extremely simple. hop in the car and go! the hardest part of doing stuff is literally stepping out the door.
to get started with something, all we need to do is to Just Do It.
i try to remember this every day. I usually set goals for stuff i need to do each day, i make a mental list of things i need to accomplish. Sometimes it's "go to the beach and surf all day" and other days it's "clean my room and get to work" it's not hard to do.
i think part of our problem is that most Americans with jobs have hours that they work. They have zero choice in this matter. if you're scheduled to show up at 10am and leave at 5pm, you're at work for that time period. When you have no choice in whether you go to school or work  or not, it's not hard to get out and just do it.
but i have a job where i go in when i want for however long i want. That freedom is nice, but i can also spot my own laziness extremely quickly.
so i've adopted "just do it".
Set a small list of goals and things you want to accomplish within a day (not a week! that allows too much time) and then JUST DO IT. bam. and when you're done with that list, you can go have fun and enjoy yourself. it's no big deal ;) 

graduation 2012

oh man...yesterday i graduated high school. the past 12 years of my 18 years on this earth i've worked for this hard and diligently 5-6, and at times 7 days a week at all hours of the day and night. I've had tons of cram nights that i stay up til ridiculous hours of the morning studying for exams, and plenty of tests i didnt study for. I've had late papers that "my dog ate" and plenty of stressful tears shed over the years.
haha i remember back in like first or second grade i was doing school work one afternoon in the "school room" (which is now my room, ironically) and i was trying to get done with a worksheet before Reading Rainbow came on tv because i really wanted to watch it. It was a hard worksheet at the time, but i worked through it with the encouraging words of my Mom and my older sisters, and got done just in time to watch my show.
There was one semester in fourth grade that i got up at 6am to get my school done early so i could help my mom in the garden.
There were PLENTY of times that i did all of my school work in the car on the way to events and field trips. Going to "Girls Club" with Corrie, April, Bethany and Happy. Coming out to the table for classes my Mom was teaching that i was a part of.
Going to swim meets that consisted of munching on chocolate chip cookies, swimming all day and smelling sunscreen. Laughing the whole breakstroke event that i swam because my parents and sisters were at the other end of the pool yelling...which was really funny.
going to horse lessons with Mrs. Jane and riding Abby and meeting my first horse.
The day that Mom told me that we were getting Topper and the excitement i had when Corrie and i woke up the following morning and went to the barn to see my first big crush: my horse.
riding down the road with Carina and Christina when it started POURING down rain. We got back to the barn soaked and freezing.
waking up at 5am on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays in the summer time to go feed and groom my horse before it got too hot and begging Mom to give me a few minutes to ride bareback before we left. I used to hurry to groom the three horses so i could beat her cleaning up the stalls so id have 5 minutes to ride.
Horsecamp. Must i say more?
going to Latvia. the Jr high small group where we ate the childrens ministry's candy. Hillary saying that it was bathingsuit season and we'd better watch our diets. walking. dancing. being scared in the hostel in Riga. plane rides....
going to Colorado and South Dakota. climbing the Ninja route!!! sleeping on the edge of a mountain in the snow. not feeling my toe for months after. puking a lot. that kitchen at the Rez where i spent a LOT of time....
2010..going to Tennessee. meeting people that would literally change my life forever. OHMYGOSH Mrs. Brookin's class! learning to surf.
2011, getting ready to be a senior. going to Regionals and being .01 seconds off of going to State. the cold cold meets and the really hot ones. and SURF CAMPS!!!! i loved EPIC's surf camps so much and every one that was even minutely involved. seeing the sunrise on the beach every morning.
and now 2012. Stephen stepped into my life. finishing classes and here i am. graduated.
im reminded of how quickly life passes us by. life just happens and we decide how we want our lives to be. and this scares me now because i am eighteen, im an adult and now im graduated from high school. so my life is mine now. My parents have done their job. now it's my turn to decide how i want my life to go. and that's the scary part....
but with God right here with me helping to decide and guiding me along the right path, i dont have to fear. It makes me nervous, especially right now that it's just all happened so quickly, but i dont have to be afraid of life. life is a good thing. time is good. i want to use my life and my time wisely. i want to set goals for myself. i want to succeed in all of this and i want to hear God say "well done, My good and faithful servant" at the end of my time. I'd love for Him to say it even while im here to encourage me...but we'll see about that ;)
so, dear graduates, congrats. this is your life, you have free will. i hope and pray you follow God and choose to honor Him in all your ways. I know i neeeeeed His help. i dont want to even attempt to do this without Him.
so that's all i have to say. it's scary, but it's not. the end.

just saying..

i love being with people that i feel like i can be myself with. I can not wear any make up at all and still feel beautiful with them and i can be a complete dork, nerd, whatever, and they love me anyway. They think im beautiful with messy beach hair and no mascara, eyeliner or shadow on. they think im fun to be around even though i invited them over to play phase ten, and walk around the house with a pair of geek glasses on. 

i love being with them, because i love being me, and i love feeling like i can be me and still be loved. 

There are few people i can be like this with. 

my family, but this hardly counts cause they have to love me haha

Stephen

Lauren 

Kristin

Reghan/Piper/Brooklyne

that's a short list. but im perfectly fine with that, because they're who matters. end of story. <3