Beautiful Things

sometimes i feel like this song is all about me.
"You make beautiful things out of dust, You make beautiful things out of us"

to the 5 followers that i have on here, but i guess mostly to future me, who will look back on all of this and say "yeah..i lived through that.", you know some of the junk ive gone through. i deal with a lot of rejection. My heart has been drug through the mud and dirt. it's been beaten and bruised and abused. I've gone through some tough freakin stuff that I'd never wish for anyone else.
real-life example: This week my Dad came home high. he gave me a hug. But the worst part about that is that when he WASNT high (the last time i'd seen him before this...) i gave him a hug....and he didnt hug me back. But he gave me a hug when he was high. That still tears me to shreds inside.
he called me from someone's phone and when i called them back(because i missed the call) this lady had the nerve to say "you take care of him. im his friend and he just needs to be taken care of. i really care about him" okay "lady", I've never heard your name when my Dad was straight and clear-minded. Therefore, you are NOT his friend and you dont give a rip about him. Im lucky there were children around when that phone call was made. When the human heart is hurt and someone decides to stab it one more time, the head retaliates and wants to say very mean, hurtful things to other people. Worse yet, when youre angry your head doesnt think things through very well. God THANK YOU that there were children around....what grace and mercy.


This is just one small example, not to mention all the other times something has happened. Im certainly not bragging about this at all, im not trying to win the "my life is worse than yours" contest like a lot of people do.
But being very honest and clear about this stuff, i believe, will be a testimony to others later. I'll be able to reach people who deal with what Im currently going through.

This is more for girls....
when you're drug through the dirt and rocks and you get hurt, remember that He makes beautiful things out of the crap. This is an extremely important and pressing thing to share. So many girls don't think they're beautiful, inside or out. But God makes us beautiful. We might go through a lot, it may be ugly, but the Lord still makes beautiful things out of our ashes. i honestly cant find words to perfectly describe the reality of all of this.

so maybe today you're just having a rough day. Maybe you're worried or being tossed around and stressed out. Maybe someone said something hurtful, or worse yet did something hurtful.
dont be afraid. The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust. It may be an ugly situation right now, but a week, month, year in the future, it'll look better. Don't loose hope. He doesn't give up on us, so let's not let ourselves give up on  Him :) in His perfect timing everything will come together as it ought to.

it's very simple; just do it.

Here's a novel idea for everyone to adopt: "Just Do It!" -Nike

really, this is such a simple thing to do, but we are (for lack of other describing words that aren't coming to mind..) lazy americans.
i find myself saying "i need to workout, go to work, go to the store, go to the bank, clean my room, organize my desk, do laundry blah blah blah.."
and then i sit around and do nothing. But in reality, doing these things are extremely simple. hop in the car and go! the hardest part of doing stuff is literally stepping out the door.
to get started with something, all we need to do is to Just Do It.
i try to remember this every day. I usually set goals for stuff i need to do each day, i make a mental list of things i need to accomplish. Sometimes it's "go to the beach and surf all day" and other days it's "clean my room and get to work" it's not hard to do.
i think part of our problem is that most Americans with jobs have hours that they work. They have zero choice in this matter. if you're scheduled to show up at 10am and leave at 5pm, you're at work for that time period. When you have no choice in whether you go to school or work  or not, it's not hard to get out and just do it.
but i have a job where i go in when i want for however long i want. That freedom is nice, but i can also spot my own laziness extremely quickly.
so i've adopted "just do it".
Set a small list of goals and things you want to accomplish within a day (not a week! that allows too much time) and then JUST DO IT. bam. and when you're done with that list, you can go have fun and enjoy yourself. it's no big deal ;) 

graduation 2012

oh man...yesterday i graduated high school. the past 12 years of my 18 years on this earth i've worked for this hard and diligently 5-6, and at times 7 days a week at all hours of the day and night. I've had tons of cram nights that i stay up til ridiculous hours of the morning studying for exams, and plenty of tests i didnt study for. I've had late papers that "my dog ate" and plenty of stressful tears shed over the years.
haha i remember back in like first or second grade i was doing school work one afternoon in the "school room" (which is now my room, ironically) and i was trying to get done with a worksheet before Reading Rainbow came on tv because i really wanted to watch it. It was a hard worksheet at the time, but i worked through it with the encouraging words of my Mom and my older sisters, and got done just in time to watch my show.
There was one semester in fourth grade that i got up at 6am to get my school done early so i could help my mom in the garden.
There were PLENTY of times that i did all of my school work in the car on the way to events and field trips. Going to "Girls Club" with Corrie, April, Bethany and Happy. Coming out to the table for classes my Mom was teaching that i was a part of.
Going to swim meets that consisted of munching on chocolate chip cookies, swimming all day and smelling sunscreen. Laughing the whole breakstroke event that i swam because my parents and sisters were at the other end of the pool yelling...which was really funny.
going to horse lessons with Mrs. Jane and riding Abby and meeting my first horse.
The day that Mom told me that we were getting Topper and the excitement i had when Corrie and i woke up the following morning and went to the barn to see my first big crush: my horse.
riding down the road with Carina and Christina when it started POURING down rain. We got back to the barn soaked and freezing.
waking up at 5am on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays in the summer time to go feed and groom my horse before it got too hot and begging Mom to give me a few minutes to ride bareback before we left. I used to hurry to groom the three horses so i could beat her cleaning up the stalls so id have 5 minutes to ride.
Horsecamp. Must i say more?
going to Latvia. the Jr high small group where we ate the childrens ministry's candy. Hillary saying that it was bathingsuit season and we'd better watch our diets. walking. dancing. being scared in the hostel in Riga. plane rides....
going to Colorado and South Dakota. climbing the Ninja route!!! sleeping on the edge of a mountain in the snow. not feeling my toe for months after. puking a lot. that kitchen at the Rez where i spent a LOT of time....
2010..going to Tennessee. meeting people that would literally change my life forever. OHMYGOSH Mrs. Brookin's class! learning to surf.
2011, getting ready to be a senior. going to Regionals and being .01 seconds off of going to State. the cold cold meets and the really hot ones. and SURF CAMPS!!!! i loved EPIC's surf camps so much and every one that was even minutely involved. seeing the sunrise on the beach every morning.
and now 2012. Stephen stepped into my life. finishing classes and here i am. graduated.
im reminded of how quickly life passes us by. life just happens and we decide how we want our lives to be. and this scares me now because i am eighteen, im an adult and now im graduated from high school. so my life is mine now. My parents have done their job. now it's my turn to decide how i want my life to go. and that's the scary part....
but with God right here with me helping to decide and guiding me along the right path, i dont have to fear. It makes me nervous, especially right now that it's just all happened so quickly, but i dont have to be afraid of life. life is a good thing. time is good. i want to use my life and my time wisely. i want to set goals for myself. i want to succeed in all of this and i want to hear God say "well done, My good and faithful servant" at the end of my time. I'd love for Him to say it even while im here to encourage me...but we'll see about that ;)
so, dear graduates, congrats. this is your life, you have free will. i hope and pray you follow God and choose to honor Him in all your ways. I know i neeeeeed His help. i dont want to even attempt to do this without Him.
so that's all i have to say. it's scary, but it's not. the end.

just saying..

i love being with people that i feel like i can be myself with. I can not wear any make up at all and still feel beautiful with them and i can be a complete dork, nerd, whatever, and they love me anyway. They think im beautiful with messy beach hair and no mascara, eyeliner or shadow on. they think im fun to be around even though i invited them over to play phase ten, and walk around the house with a pair of geek glasses on. 

i love being with them, because i love being me, and i love feeling like i can be me and still be loved. 

There are few people i can be like this with. 

my family, but this hardly counts cause they have to love me haha

Stephen

Lauren 

Kristin

Reghan/Piper/Brooklyne

that's a short list. but im perfectly fine with that, because they're who matters. end of story. <3

parents

i know a lot of people my age that really can't stand their parents. they're always like "im so annoyed when my mom opens her mouth." or "i hate my mom." or "ohmygosssssh my dad pisses me off!"
well..i know where you're coming from. im your age too, and sometimes i get frustrated with my mom and especially my dad.
but here's something i think a lot of us have missed that i certainly haven't.
1) they really love you. sometimes you think they're just being difficult, but 99.9999% of the time it's for your own good. the .0001% is for someone elses' sake.
2) parents go through a lott of crap. circumstances that they can't control come up and it's just a nasty mess. and they can't do ANYTHING about it. all they can do is try to make it better or easier, but they can't always just fix it. the world is a cruel place, and they're just trying to get through it just like you and me.

so next time you think to yourself "wow my mom is being really annoying right now..", step back and evaluate the situation. They gotta run through the crap too. try to see where they're coming from. is your attitude going to make anything better for them? or even yourself? or anyone?
i understand, you need to vent at times. i totalllllly get that. but i would never say "i hate my mom" or "im annoyed when she opens her mouth."
maybe it's just her personality. maybe she just REALLY cares about you. maybe she's having a rough day and she needs a few minutes of peace.

My mom is the most amazing woman i know. legit. with all the junk that's gone on in all of our lives in the past 12 years, and especially recently...i would have blown up. i have! but she's handled it all with such grace. it's amazing.

AND, enjoy the time you have with your parents. because TRUST me, when one of your parents are laying in a hospital bed in the ICU inches from death, you think about every time you rejected them or showed an attitude or even got annoyed with them. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DID! no matter how much they've hurt you in the past, no matter how much heart-ache they've caused you.
i can talk like this because i have been there. in my 18 short years on this earth i've learned a lot more than most people my age have, but it's because i've walked through a lot of junk. i would never wish what ive walked through for anyone, but i would hope that you would listen to me and not have to experience it for yourself, because it's like living hell.
anyway, im done ranting. listen, learn, change. that's all.

church...

y'know what REALLY bugs me? When i tell people that i used to go to church with that im going to a different church. Guess what their response is about 90% of the time.
"well, are you still following God?"
no, im going to church at a baptist church and im not following God at all. ((sarcasm))
you seriously just piss me off so much. Just because i dont go to church where you go, where you are in everyone's business, boss people around and demand long, loud worship sessions doesn't mean i dont follow God.
just because i go to a sweet baptist church that is SO quiet next to your services doesn't mean im not following God.
ever take into consideration that I swim? Therefore, i spend a lot of time in the water and i get gallons and gallons of water in my ears? and that maybe, just maybe, i have constant ear-issues no matter what i flippin do? and that all the loud, constant music, though i am young, can hurt at times? "wear ear-plugs!"....no, that hurts too. and dont you dare call me old.
there are the few 10% (who have really proved to me that they love me. these are the people that KNOW me.) that say "aw that's nice! How is it there? do you like it?"

and the other thing is this: we're all human, we all sin.
woah. what a flippin revelation. everyone makes mistakes, we all "wander off the narrow road", and we all eventually have to come back and ask for forgiveness.
let me be where im at with life, with God, with family and with friends.
yeah, i know with my particular circumstances it's easy to think that im falling into depression when im in a bad mood, when im tired or when something else happens and it just got a little tougher. But just because you think that doesn't mean that that is the case. Everybody has rough days, everyone gets tired (especially me!! i get up and run/cross train, go to work/school, go to swim practice, study and on many weekends i get up early and go to swim meets. i have an exhausting lifestyle.) and everyone gets in tough circumstances! EVERYONE.

layyyyyy offffffffffff. nothin' personal.

question o' the day

i have a question for the whole world to answer, please.

do i have an unattractive personality?

I contemplated this today as i was riding my bike around downtown. i was dressed in normal clothes; shorts and a shirt. nothin' special. but a lot of guys that drove by were doing things like waving, honking and yelling "ay hotty!" out of their car....
now, this flattered me a little. but at the same time it made me wonder what's wrong with me too. why don't people i know on a personal level like me?
do i blow up too much? do i get too stressed and carry it over? am i too clingy, needy, complainy? do i have too much crap going on in my life that comes out? am i too crazy? too weird? too focused? not focused enough? am i just plain ole' annoying?
People get noticed for their appearance, but they're known for their personality.
i can't answer this on my own, so ill take whatever ya'll throw at me and work with it, or on it, as the case may be.

i want to be the best person i can be. i want to be pretty on the outside, but i want to be drop-dead gorgeous on the inside.