my hearts one desire

sometimes, writing helps me get it out. so let me indulge myself for a moment, please.

this is who i WANT to be. please, critique me. please.

i want to be totally in love with Jesus, and i want my love for Him to shine through in everything i do. i dont want any other lovers. i dont want a boy friend right now.  

i want soo much for my heart to be on fire. i dont want to settle for "less than" what im expecting. 

i dont want to love this world at all. and i dont want to be like it. 

i want to influence the people around me, i want to encourage them TO Jesus.

i want to encourage my brothers and sisters. not discourage them.

i want to be a nazirite. and i feel like i keep screwing up. and i hate it. i want to kick rebellion out the door. i want my life to scream "JESUS!". not surfing. not swimming. not music. Jesus. 

i want to tie my heart to His.

you know how Damon Thompson talks about heart-ties? [he talks about this when david and jonathan come up. i think it's in the inhibitors message? not sure. but i think so. look it up.]

well..i want my heart to be tied to Jesus. i dont really care if im popular with people or not. if you dont like me, sorry. id rather be known by Him.

and you know, i hear all these stories about people who fasted so much that they are/were skin and bones. who prayed so hard and so loud on their knees every night that their parents heard them and they had scabs on their knees all the time. who didnt HAVE friends. but when their parents asked them to stop fasting for three days and eat food they would. who weren't rebellious. 

people who played piano to Him, who would stay up for a week straight with no sleep at all with Jesus because they love Him soo much. who DIED in a car accident, but the people around that person said "i think God wanted him to be with Him so much that He took him."

and  i look at the disciples of Jesus and how they walked in such power and in  such authority that their shadows healed people. their very presence changed the atmosphere because His presence was with them. who was THERE in the upper room when Holy Spirit came for the first time.

and you know what? i WANT that. i WANT to be radical like that! i want to be known for that. i want to walk in that. and im not there. i want to know His heart.

and as of right now, im heading there. 

and dont even try to tell me i cant do it. watch me.

• • 
    

fast metabolism

"I stand before You, awed by Your majesty.
Covered by Your Mercy, Your blood has made me free.
Draw me to You and set my heart on fire. 
I want to know You, You're my one desire


Grace never ending, hands that carry me.
Your body is broken for all the world to see
My heart is held by love so unconditional
You captivate me, You're the lover of my soul.

I want to know You, let Your spirit overwhelm me, let Your presence overtake my heart."

that's deep.
i was playing with this song this morning to help me learn it..
and y'know, God didnt suddenly come in this crazy crazy way. but i got insanely desperate and eternally hungry.

haha, i remember thinking "God, this week my metabolism has sped up a lot. i've eaten a lot, and im burning it off so fast. I want to hunger for You like that. to eat, and then just a little tiny while later be hungry to the extreme again."

and you know what else? He hears me. and He answers my prayers. He's faithful to me, even when im not faithful to Him. [which is insane..] so guess what i know's gonna happen? :D yup.

watch out world. you better get ready, because THIS girl is going to be the most desperate and most hungry for God. ANDD!!! He reacts to my hunger. yeap! He's gonna feed me. boooyah. you've never encountered a girl like this before. im one of the first of my breed. only a few of us exist now, but in a few years, world, you're going to encounter and entire generation of Jesus-freaks. know how i know? because Holy Spirit is contagious. :)

Jesus won.

i was talking to my sister today..more like crying to/with her about life and stress, when her son, Fran, came running up to her and said "guess what mommy?! Peter Pan won! he won! and hook lost. they called hook a codfish!! and the alligator LIKES codfish!!!"
and at that point i cried harder than before. it was like he was saying "guess what lisa?! Jesus won!! He won! and your rough situation lost. Jesus called it powerless and stupid. and Jesus threw your situation into hell where it belongs."
and then Rick Pino's song popped into my head.
"there's a FOURTH man standing there in the fire..you're not alone." and then Amy started talking about shadrach meshach and abednego. and how they came out without even smelling like smoke. not a hair was even singed. BUT, they still had to stand in the furnace. they still had to stand in the fire. [daniel 3-ish area]
this proves to me that........
yeah. life can look deadly. haha. it can look like it's over, nothing can be fixed, it's done for. nothing good can ever come out of this. well, Jesus says otherwise.
He hung there on the cross for THIS. He was whipped and beaten, He DIED for this situation i'm in right now. that is one thing i can trust with my whole heart. He died so that i can come to Him in this mess, and He can show me mercy and give me peace about ALL of it, and wipe out ALL fear with His perfect love.
wanna hear something ironic? There's billions of other people on the earth right now with their own problems. some much worse than mine. there's zillions of animals in the world, each one being cared for by Him. He's gotta hold the universe together and make sure all the stars are in place and He watches the tide at the beach and He tells the ocean to stop on the shore....
all of this going on, and He still not only listens to me when i come to Him, at any time, but ALSO cares to listen to me. AND to top it all off, He chases off every little devil trying to get a hold of me.
it's hard to think these things through in the middle of it all. but it's all true.

at the end of the conversation i had with Amy, she told me to find something today that is good. a small pleasure in life that we take for granted, and to be thankful, truly, for it. "you have an eye for finding these little things."
y'know what i am thankful for? it's 83 degrees outside. it's warm. it's a gorgeous day. the sun's out. and there's waves at the beach. and i may not be able to go out today and surf them, but im still thankful for them. and im thankful for EPIC, even though i won't be there tonight. im really thankful for Mickey and Josh and James and Chuck. and im thankful for Kenny, somehow just knowing him, knowing that he really really loves and wants Jesus like me is encouraging, even if im not talking or hanging out with him. and for Lauren, because she's just the best. and for coach Angela, who is almost always encouraging. im thankful that my truck has 63,000 miles on it, meaning that i can drive it for a whiile.
so really, my life's pretty stinkin' good. there's a lot of things going for me right now. im determined to NOT forget these things that are goin' for me.
anyway,  im emotionally drained. i think ill take a nap now before swim practice.

love....hurts? part 2

first id like to say, i really appreciate the people around me. my brothers and sisters who continually encourage me, even when it's not necessarily something i WANT to hear. :) and for the Ramp and their status updates that come to my phone :)
"how do we know we love God? we love people. 1 John 4:8"
that verse reads, starting in verse seven...
"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
Jesus uses people to encourage me, and then He encourages me. and. ahh. Jesus. <3
this encourages me, because i was kind of complaining, but not really, but..yeah. kinda complaining that i love people.
"God, some of these people that i love ive known for a short time. others I've known for forever. why do You let me love them all so much? WHYY do You let me do things that hurt?"
love does hurt, because of various different factors. but "love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance." [1 Corinthians 13] it also doesnt count the cost.
soo...no matter how much it costs me, and no matter how hard the circumstance may look to me, if i love God, i love people. [and vice-versa]
it later says in the chapter "..since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us...God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect....Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear."
oh Jesus, thank You for the Word.
"..if we dont love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? and He has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters."

so, what's God showing me? that it's okay to love. it's okay to love, even when its rejected or brushed off or not returned or whatever. and it's not only okay, but it's good, and it proves that i love Him, that i love people. :')
Holy Spirit is the best best best encourager ever.
love love love love...
I GET TO LOVE!!!!! oh my goodness im so excited and so happy.

love...hurts?

we talk about how good the love of God is. it really really is. His love for me is so outrageous and ridiculous it drives me crazy.

.......

but have you ever loved like God?

well, me being the stupid, radical human that i am, i started asking God to teach me how to love. you all know this. ive said it over and over. three years ago, now, it's been part of my daily prayer that i take seriously. that hasn't lost it's umph, every time i say it.

"God, teach me how to love."

that's the stupidest prayer ever. 

That prayer WILL be answered. and you WILL love like He does. 

but it so sucks sometimes.

because then you start REALLY loving people a lot. more than you "should". and it hurts to love them so much. people you barely even know, you start REALLY loving, who are sometimes located so far away. and it sucks. especially when you love them and they brush you off. [im not talking the lovey-dovey gf/bf love..this is like, sincere, pure love.]

this tiny little answered prayer will get you crying like a little girl in your bedroom with Jesus. this little sucker will get you to feel a way that you honestly can't describe with words. 

there's an up to this too though. people will notice it. your words, your actions, everything will shine love in it's purest form. and it's so great to love people like this. and the words from mentors that say "it's so exciting to see. you always hope for the best, but to actually see it is the best thing ever. you're GROWING in love!!!" it's soo awesome to simply be you, and for that alone encourage other people. it's pretty awesome, because i love encouraging people a lot.

i was holding back tears the entire two hour ride home. when i got home and everyone left, i was finally able to just let loose. ive been crying for a long time now, and i dont even know why...love? id put my money on it. 

anyway...i have no idea where im going with life now. God seems to be screwing all my plans every other day. which is good, cause i want His way. i know He lets me go that one day in-between for a reason. maybe to keep me on my toes or something..i dont know. 

more for me than for you

gotta just write these quotes down for my own sake.
"Gods might flame of love is even stronger than death. It hunts you down. it pursues you until your heart is sealed with a love that is stronger than lust and every addiction.
Oh, i love the God whose name is Jealous. His eyes are a blazing fire, burning away everything that seeks to compete with the affections of my heart. There in the sanctuary of my heart He will brook no rivals. It is in that place that God's holy love meets my holy Nazirite response. There, an inward burn takes place and the supreme pleasure of intimacy with God is experienced on the alter of my heart--an experience that is far more fulfilling than the temporal and fleeting pleasures of sexual lust and entertainment. i was created to burn."
"the nazirite, out of love and a higher vision, was actually choosing a lifestyle of holy discipline w hich was more conducive to experiencing the pleasure of God on his heart."
"Don't be afraid of loving God too much. the religious status quo will never understand your nazirite passion. but love never counts the cost. It always gets the most expensive thing in the house and pours it out on God."
"revival is simply a return to obedience"
"I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remaiin in my love." [John 15:9-10]
"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are not longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you." [john 15]
"no one can rob you of that joy." john 16
"But Nazirites spontaneously, joyfully and willingly appropriated the priestly seperation and condition of life because of an inward working of the Spirits grace."
"The desire of the Nazirite to be radically separated to God was first of all initiated by a preceding burning desire--the desire of God, who was intensely pursuing Nazirites."
"God is raising up hundreds of thousands of these 'radiant ones' in America who in their burning single-eyed devotion actually attract His favor and His face."

*deep breath* now that all that's written out, i can look back at it all in one spot. i have some writing on walls to do..:)

right now with Jesus, i really want to just lay in His arms. i really just want to be a little tiny little girl with Him. and be fearless in asking dumb questions that are on my mind. i dont want to pretend like im an adult and like i know stuff. it's useless, really, with Him. in the end, He knows what i know and what i dont know, so why pretend?

we were singing last night at FCC "i dont just love you, I like you. I'm your Father, your Daddy."

i was pondering these words. how is liking someone better than loving them? hahaha, and then i started thinking of how He says to love even our enemies. and recently, how i was so concerned that this one dude was bugging me SO much. and i knew i was commanded by God to love him....and i didnt want to love him because he was being an absolute rude jerk who needed to wipe his mouth out with toilet paper. and i was concerned because i really sincerely did not love this guy at all. and i thought i was wrong. but i was corrected. you can love someone and not really like them. loving a person is kind of respecting them. loving someone doesnt always mean you like them. :D which makes me happy. haha

so God doesnt JUST love me. He LIKES me too. whoa. that's pretty cool. God, the creator of the universe, the uncreated One likes ME.

that's a big deal to me.

and i was just watching the little video i made of us playing with echo's in the chili's parking lot last night. haha you know what i think? Holy Spirit really loves for us to have fun. He loves to hear us laugh when we're laughing and having fun in a completely pure way. its so awesome!! like, God isn't serious all the time. maybe seriously funny..

i love it so much.

like even Collin in the way he reminded us of Flint Lockwood from Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. and how he did impressions PERFECTLY without even remembering the movie. hahah!