my hearts one desire

sometimes, writing helps me get it out. so let me indulge myself for a moment, please.

this is who i WANT to be. please, critique me. please.

i want to be totally in love with Jesus, and i want my love for Him to shine through in everything i do. i dont want any other lovers. i dont want a boy friend right now.  

i want soo much for my heart to be on fire. i dont want to settle for "less than" what im expecting. 

i dont want to love this world at all. and i dont want to be like it. 

i want to influence the people around me, i want to encourage them TO Jesus.

i want to encourage my brothers and sisters. not discourage them.

i want to be a nazirite. and i feel like i keep screwing up. and i hate it. i want to kick rebellion out the door. i want my life to scream "JESUS!". not surfing. not swimming. not music. Jesus. 

i want to tie my heart to His.

you know how Damon Thompson talks about heart-ties? [he talks about this when david and jonathan come up. i think it's in the inhibitors message? not sure. but i think so. look it up.]

well..i want my heart to be tied to Jesus. i dont really care if im popular with people or not. if you dont like me, sorry. id rather be known by Him.

and you know, i hear all these stories about people who fasted so much that they are/were skin and bones. who prayed so hard and so loud on their knees every night that their parents heard them and they had scabs on their knees all the time. who didnt HAVE friends. but when their parents asked them to stop fasting for three days and eat food they would. who weren't rebellious. 

people who played piano to Him, who would stay up for a week straight with no sleep at all with Jesus because they love Him soo much. who DIED in a car accident, but the people around that person said "i think God wanted him to be with Him so much that He took him."

and  i look at the disciples of Jesus and how they walked in such power and in  such authority that their shadows healed people. their very presence changed the atmosphere because His presence was with them. who was THERE in the upper room when Holy Spirit came for the first time.

and you know what? i WANT that. i WANT to be radical like that! i want to be known for that. i want to walk in that. and im not there. i want to know His heart.

and as of right now, im heading there. 

and dont even try to tell me i cant do it. watch me.

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