think it through.

why do people feel the need to be insanely mean to others?

here's my way of thinking....
you have no idea what other people are going through. You don't know what's going through his or her head, you don't know what their family life holds, and you don't know the things they've done that they haven't told you about. you don't know whether they've done something they truly regret or not. So, before you say something mean, why be mean? What if that person you just said that to was thinking about suicide? what if they were debating doing drugs, drinking, having sex, to try to fill an empty void? what if they're at their breaking point in life? what if they're at their lowest low that they've ever been at, and they're just putting on a plastic smile to cover it up? What if? 
Before you go and bash someone, let's take a step back and think. Could they be going through a lot of crap in life right now? and if it's even minutely possible, be nice. Your words to that person could make or break them. Your act of cruelty or kindness can make the decision for them about committing suicide. 


I know how it feels to have chaos going on in life and then someone saying something really mean. They say it and it feels like you were drop-kicked in the stomach; like you don't have enough strength to stand anymore. You wonder why you're still breathing, you question why you try to fight through all the crap anymore. "the whole world is crashing down anyway, and im not gonna make it out alive anyway, so why live through anymore? why don't i just go away forever. at least then i can't hurt anymore.."
i have been there. it's heartbreaking. everything hurts. it is possible to hurt emotionally soooo bad that physically your body hurts. i've been there. So this is me on my knee's begging you...

be nice. be kind. be the difference. don't drive someone to kill themselves; don't let that happen on your watch. You truly could be the only reason someone's alive right now, so don't screw that up. 


"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? i could really use a wish right now..."

hands offf

i love the church im currently attending. West Side is so quiet. i love it. Pastor Jeremy's voice even is very calm and soothing to listen to.
but my point of writing today is this; ive been fighting too much. i've been fighting my own battles and we can SEE where that's gotten me. nooo wheere.
so, what else is there to do? i've fought hard for relationships that arent gonna happen. They're not getting better with all my hard-headed fighting for them.
So im gonna step back and take my hands off for a few weeks. Maybe stuff will get better then.

i was thinking about all of this in church today. Pastor Jeremy was talking about how fear keeps us paralyzed and how our fighting isn't necessary, because He can win the battle a lot easier and a lot better than us. so....
hands off. i might need to hide my phone or just leave it home for some of this time. i might need to not talk to some people and instead talk to others. maybe delete some numbers. maybe get a new number. i dont know...but im going to do what it takes.
it's like a "i love you so much, that im going to leave you alone because it's better for you" thing.
if you're reading this, though i doubt you are, i love you forever and always; please remember that, even if im not there to tell you....through the good the bad and the ugly. happy, sad, or whatever. <3
hands off now.

One Step Closer.

This song is my favorite. 

"one step closer" is one of my favorite lines right now.

but one step closer to what? 

for me right now, that "one step closer" is towards loving from a distance. everyday, emotionally, i am working on loving two people that i used to be VERY close with from a distance. like, not talking or seeing them everyday, if at all. Everyday i am one step closer to remembering doing stuff with them and smiling to myself at the good times instead of wishing we were still like that. it's a long and harsh healing process, but i am trying so hard. 

this song to me is a little reverse of what Christina Perri intended it to be, i think. to me, if i was singing this song, im saying...

"i have loved you up close and personal. i've loved loving you that way! But now we have to love from a distance. it's painful, harsh, hard, cold and it makes me want to puke. i hate that it's come to this; but i will be at peace with this. just like you.

and even though we're not close anymore, i still love you with all of my heart, and i ALWAYS will. Maybe one day, we can be close again. i hope so. but right now, i have to heal..and every day, i get closer to that goal."

i still cry a lot, especially when im alone, or when someone says something about ANY of it. i still feel the need to puke frequently, especially when im talking to someone about this stuff and i have to not cry. but it's part of the healing process, and i will live through this. 

someone told me this week "You Wall women are a tough bunch...this is a season. Winter freezes over and some things die, but Spring will always follow and bring new life." (Merry Falero)

this was an extremely hard thing to hear, especially the "some things die" part. No one likes death. no one likes to experience that kind of pain; that hopeless feeling of knowing there's absolutely nothing you can do about this situation. All you can do is go through the phases of grief and not do something stupid. but death is part of life. And Merry was right, spring always follows. New life is always right around the corner. all you have to do is take those few steps to see what's there. 

Taking those few steps is so hard to do. It's walking into the unknown; leaving what you know and love (even though it's dead..) and walking into the new. 

My Dad, whether he knows it or not, prepared me for this. he raised me to be a tough little girl in all the little things. he taught me how to shoot a gun, drive standard, pull/back up huge trailers..and in all of these tangible things, he taught me how to emotionally be a little toughie. he taught me how to do all these things one step at a time, believing every second of every step that "i can do it". he prepared me to deal with this kind of pain. and to some people, this is the most disgusting thing of all of this, but it's not to me. it's kind. all along, i've been trained to be able to deal with the hard stuff. one step at a time. every breath, every hour has come to this, so i can handle this one step at a time. Doing this has been the kindest thing my Dad has ever done for me. 

oh the world is a cruel place. 

it's one of those "im gonna write out all my freaking frustrations" seasons..sorry.

rejection is a really hard thing to deal with, and honestly no one should ever have to "just deal with it." I've watched rejection shred people apart, and i've experienced it first-hand, in it's prime. i really hate it when people coldly reject their family. it really pisses me off, to the point that i would throw a few punches to get my point across.

dear world,
when a young mother of three children is experiencing rejection from her father, her husband, and is not living close to HER family but her husbands', you dont (blanking) reject her just like everybody else.
freakkkking retards. she's a thousand miles from her mom and her sisters, and you choose to let her experience MORE rejection because the situation isn't "comfortable" for you?! i seriously would love to just shoot you square in the head right now.
sincerely,
a very upset sister who is at the end of her rope with injustice.

selfishness leads to rejection. that's all there is to it.

every man in my direct family's life has really screwed up everything for us. and i am beyond being talked to about it. i've been stolen from, and more importantly, my mom, my sisters, my niece and my nephews have been stolen from. there's no justifying what's been done. i get mad when people "flick me off on their way out"...that's one thing, actually. go ahead...but you dare do that to any other person in my family and i will tear your face off of your scull, or at least think of the most excruciating, most painful and most torturous way to kill someone and do it to you. they've been to hell and back and they somehow find it in their hearts to forgive and love you, out of every other person in the world. they've been broken at such a young age. they've had to experience this rejection so early in life, from people that are supposed to always be there. and it's NOT fair. they deserve so much more than what has been dealt to them. and yeah i know all of this sounds really gross and gory and unlike me, but i am so mad right now. and i will not apologize for that.
im ready for some justice to take place in my family's life and in mine. im done with injustice taking place week after week.

i've always pictured myself as a good southern girl. blue eyes and a sweet personality.....
'til you really piss her off. then you realize "ohhhhhhhhh crap, she knows how to shoot and drive.." and poison your food, slash tires, use a baseball bat......
you really dont want to get me to that point. praise God that im a christian, so it takes a really long time of abuse to get me to that point. but i wouldnt put it past me if i were you.
so just watch out, world. this girl's reached the end of her rope.



im posting this just so i can look back and remember how insanely mad i was tonight. that's all.

im a fighter.....

life is one tough cookie. ( <--that's the edited version of what im actually thinking.....)
"we're like fire and gasoline, im no good for you, you're no good for me. we only bring each other tears and sorrow." -- Tomorrow by Chris Young.

the stuff that really really matters to me is at a hopeless state. the stuff that's okay and fine is going pretty freakin well and somewhat easy. but because the things that really matter to me aren't going so well, my life's a hell-hole.

i am a fighter though, and maybe that's why God's dealt me these crappy cards..because i am capable of handling it.
i get the hard relationships, where all we do is make trouble. we fight, we love, we fight and fight and fight. we're both hard-heads..we say hurtful things, and at times it feels like that's all we do; hurt each other. there's rarely a day of peace between us. we try to act cold toward each other when really we aren't, but we feel the need to look 'strong' and like 'that didnt affect me at all'...but we're not, and it did.
but because i am that fighter, i fight for these relationships. i dont cry, i dont go into the fetal position, i pick up my phone or get in my car and i take the situation head on.
this could be considered a good trait or a bad one though. From an outsider looking in, im sure it looks great. it looks like im strong. it looks like i know what im doing. it even looks like everything's going right.
but to the one that is actually living with this fighting trait, it's not always that wonderful. because sometimes, people need to cry and go into the fetal position and have someone fight for them.


right now, im fighting so hard for these relationships and for my future that i can't think straight. my head's a fog of trying to figure things out and finding a way in.
but like the pastor said last week......it's a season. seasons dont last forever. it's a hand of cards, it'll completely change in a few turns.
i am sincerely trying to find the good, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. the key word was trying. 

senior year: part I

holy cow, what a semester!!! started off with coming home from Jax and hittin' the books right away. I took Communications 2, Spanish 2,  and Chemistry. doesnt sound like much, huh? well, i stayed VERY busy.
my starting time for the 50 free was about 30 seconds. Tash surprised myself, AJ and Sammi in the locker room one day at practice telling us in front of everyone that we were officially team captains. surprise surprise!!

in September when i turned 18, the piece of advice that i will forever hold in my heart was contained in a card from Mr. Todd Moseley: "do at least one thing every day that makes others say 'dude, you're crazy!'"
September 8th (the dmonday before, i skipped swim practice to go surfing..but i showed up to pick up Lydia and Sarah at the pool after practice. whoops) i was assigned my first 500 in a race. i finished with 7:03....3 seconds off of varsity time. not bad!! that was also the day that Amanda and i came up with "exercise faster!" on sept 18th, i had 070707 miles on my truck. Sept 24th i dropped 0.5 seconds in all of my events at the invitational in Port Orange. That's also the day that Seth was supposed to get me really mad so i'd swim faster. he didn't.

October 4th was my last dual meet. We swam, we got very cold, but we won. Oct 7th, i went to youthquake with a wonderful bunch of people from Jax and had a sisters-sleepover at Reghans <3 Girls team won second, and the boys first at Cape Coast Conference on Oct 14th. That was also the day that i went to Conference and Taco City, came home for a few hours, being called every 15-20 minutes, and then went to the movies with Kristin and Seth..and almost fell asleep there. haha! October 27th i got a piercing in my foot. I was hanging my bag up in the shed and my heel hit a rusty earring. that's definitely something ill never live down...Oct 29th was districts at Sebastian River's pool. it was rainy and cold and miserable. and swimming twice about killed me.

November 5th was districts. Amanda and i drove out together with her mom...."drive diligently!" haha! i experienced the insaane pain of a fast suit. November 6th i cried because we didnt make it to state because of less than one second. on 11-11-11, i slept the whooole day, and was extremely sick. My professor for Comm2 died, and everything was a disaster there for a few weeks of this month trying to keep myself healthy, swim, make progress at meets and staying up to date with school. not to mention everyythingg with Seth that i went through

December came upon us and it really freaked me out. December 12th i dyed my hair. the 13th, we went to Disney with Amy and all the kids. on the 20th at about 6pm my whooooole life changed forever in a little room in Port Orange. the 21st i spent the whole day flipping out. Christmas day was delightful, talking to my uncle and aunt. the cold weather towards the end of this month kept me from swimming. on New Years Eve i was with Kristin in Daytona Beach. we were going to pull an all-nighter, but then fell asleep at 1am.
and now it's the 3rd of January. 6 more days of testing Seth and his games. we'll see how all THAT pans out.

lots of life-drama. i only highlighted the good things, and just a few of the bitter...though the bitter was more prominent this semester. im glad it's over.
I will debrief this next semester and include graduation and such, end of May. for now, farewell, and wish me luck!!