One Step Closer.

This song is my favorite. 

"one step closer" is one of my favorite lines right now.

but one step closer to what? 

for me right now, that "one step closer" is towards loving from a distance. everyday, emotionally, i am working on loving two people that i used to be VERY close with from a distance. like, not talking or seeing them everyday, if at all. Everyday i am one step closer to remembering doing stuff with them and smiling to myself at the good times instead of wishing we were still like that. it's a long and harsh healing process, but i am trying so hard. 

this song to me is a little reverse of what Christina Perri intended it to be, i think. to me, if i was singing this song, im saying...

"i have loved you up close and personal. i've loved loving you that way! But now we have to love from a distance. it's painful, harsh, hard, cold and it makes me want to puke. i hate that it's come to this; but i will be at peace with this. just like you.

and even though we're not close anymore, i still love you with all of my heart, and i ALWAYS will. Maybe one day, we can be close again. i hope so. but right now, i have to heal..and every day, i get closer to that goal."

i still cry a lot, especially when im alone, or when someone says something about ANY of it. i still feel the need to puke frequently, especially when im talking to someone about this stuff and i have to not cry. but it's part of the healing process, and i will live through this. 

someone told me this week "You Wall women are a tough bunch...this is a season. Winter freezes over and some things die, but Spring will always follow and bring new life." (Merry Falero)

this was an extremely hard thing to hear, especially the "some things die" part. No one likes death. no one likes to experience that kind of pain; that hopeless feeling of knowing there's absolutely nothing you can do about this situation. All you can do is go through the phases of grief and not do something stupid. but death is part of life. And Merry was right, spring always follows. New life is always right around the corner. all you have to do is take those few steps to see what's there. 

Taking those few steps is so hard to do. It's walking into the unknown; leaving what you know and love (even though it's dead..) and walking into the new. 

My Dad, whether he knows it or not, prepared me for this. he raised me to be a tough little girl in all the little things. he taught me how to shoot a gun, drive standard, pull/back up huge trailers..and in all of these tangible things, he taught me how to emotionally be a little toughie. he taught me how to do all these things one step at a time, believing every second of every step that "i can do it". he prepared me to deal with this kind of pain. and to some people, this is the most disgusting thing of all of this, but it's not to me. it's kind. all along, i've been trained to be able to deal with the hard stuff. one step at a time. every breath, every hour has come to this, so i can handle this one step at a time. Doing this has been the kindest thing my Dad has ever done for me. 

oh the world is a cruel place.