1.16.11

"like oil upon Your feet, like wine for You to drink, like water from my heart, i pour my love on You. if praise is like perfume, i lavish mine on You, 'til EVERY drop is gone, i pour my love.."

this song. i could lay on my face all day and sing it to Him.
i just wanna please His heart. i want my actions and worship to minister to His heart.

i feel SO loved right now.

one of the only things i remember Mike Bickle talking about last night was that God loves "up close", He wants to be in my heart just like i want to be in His. He wants to be close to me just like i want to be close to Him.

just like i want to be close to the people my heart loves, He wants to be close to me. in a literal sense.

and it's like ill have a blow-out week with Him [like this week between my own personal seeking time AND onething Orlando] but then, ill just want Him more than before.
but it's like that with people too i guess! when i am with a person i really really love for a day and then we go our own ways, i drive home thinking "wow..can i re-live that? i can't wait til the next time we get to hang out!"

i love Him, more than anyone else.

burning

My heart burns for Him. it's completely untamable, and unmanageable. 

I was so excited last night that i did not fall asleep until about 1am.

at 4am sharp, Holy Spirit woke me up. At first, my flesh was screaming "GO BACK TO SLEEP YOU HAVE A BIG DAY TODAY!" 

but then He said "I just want some of your affection this morning, and if you want Me to come when you ask, you should come when I ask."

so i got up. i prayed, i thought, i played, i paced, i read, i thought some more..

i got three hours of sleep. i will hopefully be up super late tonight at onething. 

"if your 'one thing' isn't your FIRST thing, then it's not really your one thing."--DT

good stuff. 

i screamed "My soul longs for You, Lord, in a dry and weary land! come and TAKE YOUR PLACE in the CENTER of my heart!" at the top of my lungs yesterday..

my whole WORLD has to revolve around Him. 

i am working towards this. i want my whole world to revolve around Him, i dont want to be chasing other things around or looking to someone or something for "stability"..He's gotta be IT for me. nothing and no one else. i want Him to be my ONE THING.

and i want Him to be able to come to me, whatever time it is, and ask me to do stuff. even if He just wants my worship, at 4am in the morning. 

i mean, think about it. when your best friend needs something, even IF it's some stupid hour of the morning, we get up and talk on the phone or whatever for however long they need us. 

well, Holy Spirit's my best friend. really. and if He wants anything from me, whenever it is, i AM willing to give it to Him, whenever. [i am partially saying this in faith, because i know im not all the way there yet.] When He calls to me, i will go. BECAUSE when i call for Him, He comes. simple as that. He gave His life for me, im giving my life for Him! no gray areas, no "in between", im done with that...

that "im between" lifestyle almost killed me. only by the great, burning jealousy and grace that God has for me am i still alive and breathing today. i am determined to get as far away from that as possible. im running straight to Jesus, no turning back. 

"MY bride"

i had a most interesting dream last night. about my wedding day. and i was getting ready for it, and like freaking out because my soon to be husband was waiting for me.
when i woke up i was asking God "What the heck was that? What are you saying to me?"
God speaks to me with songs a lot. whether they have the most beautiful lyrics ever, or no lyrics at all. Well, this morning He sang to me "You have ravished My heart" by Brian and Jenn Johnson

"No longer your master but your husband I will be. You have ravished My heart with one glance of your eyes. How fair is your love, my promised, my bride.."

He made it SO real to me. i am His bride!
He's waiting for me to be ready. So very patiently, and so lovingly.
and as He sits there waiting, He's telling me "you have ravished my heart with just one tiny glance from your eyes. i never miss it."
AHH...His love for me is so insane. He thinks i ravish His heart..haha. He ravishes mine! wayy more than i ever could ravish His.
you know that feeling in your heart that you get when you feel ultra loved? well, multiply that feeling by 1456654235845674895423212546748965263321200546878562456. That's how i feel.
He's sooo jealous for me! i don't think life could get better than it is right now.

pure as gold.

so you all know God's really had me laying stuff down recently. i wont go into details of all that I've been working on, but just know one thing: the things i've been laying down are important to me. still.

This morning i got up. Last night i had an awesome time with Him all alone in my room..
and He said this to me, first thing: "Lay down your precious possessions so that i can refine them and make them pure to give to you."
All He wants from me is to lay down what's important to me, have loose hands and allow Him to do what He wants with it, and He will make it CLEAN for me. Because He wants to give me good gifts, and good gifts are pure gifts. So really, taking my hands off of what i've got is just temporary! 'cause He's going to give it right back, just cleaner and prettier and better.

it's like when you find a bit of gold in the ground. at first it looks like a lot, but it's not clean.
then when you boil it down and burn all the impurities out of it, it may be "less", but it's worth more because it's PURE gold.
well, I'd rather take the little bit of pure gold than a lot of impure gold. and God knows that, so that's what He's giving me. He's so good to me.

people people people...

*sighh*
peoples minds are sooo perverted. you know those things you can "like" on facebook? here's one for you...
"hi, im a bra. and i get to touch your girlfriends boobs every day..jealous yet?"
ok..that's sooooo gross. i dont completely understand why people would want to be evil, and why people dont strive for purity and for holiness. why not? really, there's  nothing to lose, seen as how nothing is ours anyways.
it grieves my heart that i know people who have "liked" this. it makes me sad that it's cool for guys to be like that, and to call girls nasty names. 
im trying to nip that in the bud right now. the names i have been called are appalling, words that i'd like to not repeat. but the sad thing is nearly every girl out there DEALS WITH IT. or worse, AGREES WITH IT, and then, just as you think they couldn't go lower, they live up to it.  
to alllll you guys out there: when you call any girl a dirty name, ESPECIALLY if it's me, or one of my friends, know that you just dug yourself a hole, and i no longer respect you in any way.
it makes me so mad. and incredibly sad. 
i've never put up with these names, and i never will. 
so many guys need to clean up their act. it's not cool to be dirty like that. gross jokes aren't funny. filthy minds aren't something to admire. and you dont gain respect when you're like this. stop being such a perv. 


and the only reason i say this is because i love you.  very very much.

common sense?

When all the world is blossoming

And everything around is bursting into life

And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart

When all the world is under fire

When skies are threatening to thunder and rain

And I am overcome by fears that I can't see

If everything is Yours

Everything is Yours

If everything is Yours

I'm letting it go

it was never mine to hold

Who could command the stars to sing

Or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors?

And tend the fragile roses with the very same hands

chorus

--Audrey Assad

This song kept playing itself over and over in my head for the entire hour and forty-five minutes today at swim practice. 

its soooo simple, and i soo wish i got this like 9 months ago. Everything is Gods. all of "my" stuff is His. my time, my stuff, my friends, my family, my food, my fitness, my life...

it's kinda silly, now that i think about it, to say "God..im not doing what You just asked me to do.." when really, i have nothing to lose. literally. ;) 

im glad

I'll be completely  honest. I'm really, really happy God isn't like people. 

people..[myself included.] talk talk talk, but do nothing about it. we "say" we love people. but then when life gets busy, we brush that same person that we "love" or even just "like" off. we don't "have time" for them anymore. we make excuses that we don't have a way to communicate, when really we do. if you really truly love someone, or even if you're just interested in the person and you want to get to know them better, you make the effort. you call, you text, you try to hang out, you keep in touch one way or another. but most people don't even love when they say they do. we're such fakers. 

God, on the wonderful other hand, is just perfect. He really DOES love us, and He takes time out of holding the universe together to be with ME. hmm..He thinks im a pretty big deal, huh? God: the creator of everything we know, takes "time" out of His day to be with ME. no matter what time it is. He never rejects me, He never talks crap about me to angels behind my back, He constantly, steadily, loves me. perfectly and flawlessly. 

and you can believe that I've had a cute little dandy life that's all flowers and sunshine..

ill be raw and real. 

it hasn't. im not living a lie. im not asking for a stupid pitty party--actually please dont. i hate those.

this is more of a testimony of what God's done in my life.

ive been "loved", but not really, and in the end rejected, by one of the people that i was the closest with. My Dad. im sure that he didn't go off and screw around to hurt me, or to cause me pain. but he'd say "im sorry, forgive me, i love you and ill never do it again" and then the very next week he's off the edge again. ive felt this rejection. im glad that this season of my life is over to our knowledge. i was "daddys girl"...well those few years that he was in and out, it really broke that. into pieces, really. 

so yes, i know the nasty side of humans. it's not easy for me to write all this down and publish for all my friends to see, because it's something id like to keep in my past, and not bring into present conversation, or even into my mind. but it was necessary today. this is just one of many examples, with many different people and many different situations. 

at the same time, i've seen the sweet side of God. the Daddy side, that i didn't get in some cases from my dad on earth..i learned early to depend on God. and that His love is enough for me. and that He's there. no matter what time it is, and no matter how dark and scary the storm gets. 

He ravishes His children's hearts. He never doesn't have time for us. He never gets tired of us and moves on to another person. He never rejects us. and best of all, you don't have to have a phone or Skype to talk to Him :) He's always there, waiting for us to call on His name. 

and as crazy as this sounds, i thank God for those times of trials. because it was THOSE times that i got close to God. it was during THOSE times that i simply stopped trying to hold myself together and just dropped everything at His feet. it was during THOSE times that He protected me. it was during THOSE times that He kept me away from the drama of relationships with guys, and simply kept me in His arms. it was during THOSE times that i learned how big God is, and how i can depend on Him all the time for anything. it was during THOSE times that i learned to just talk to God. to tell Him what's on my mind, to tell Him how angry i was, to tell Him how much i needed Him, and to WAIT on Him. i met God's mighty right arm, i saw it in action. :) i watched Him strengthen my fingers for the bronze bow and arrow. and the crazy thing is He kept me, and helped me throw out allll the baggage i came to Him with, every time it was thrown into my face.

i don't care who you are, or how much you love someone, or even me. you couldn't do what  God did for me. and that's why im happy God isn't like people.