getting back up.

I wrote this in a letter to by dearest boyfriend...but I think everyone can hear this and get something or another from it.


I just want to remind people of something.
"Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up, but the wicked will stumble to ruin."
Proverbs 24:16

In the new testament, Peter denied Christ three times, even after Jesus told him that he would do it! He was warned, and three entire times, just as Jesus had warned, he denied Jesus when He needed Peter the most.

Peter really messed up, yeah. But let us remember that Peter was also the one who preached to thousands of people just weeks later and thousands of people accepted Jesus as their savior and started living radical lives for Him.
Jesus didn't beat Peter with a stick. He fulfilled him. Jesus healed the broken and hurting spots in Peters heart and soul and then sent him out to do good things for Himself.

So how can we relate this to today's world? Well, I relate it to several things but the example I will use on the internet will be my diet!
I have a very strong conviction about my body being a temple of Holy Spirit. I try my best to do well. I try to eat right, I exercise, I make an effort to stay fit. A lot of people tell me "Lisa, you're too much of a health freak.." But I dont think I am, because I'm just wanting to take care of myself.
But I still mess up. I eat that piece of chocolate. Today, I had a chicken sandwich from Sonny's, fries, and Pizza the latter half of my day. All that is is carbs, and it's my personal conviction that carbs are not good for me to consume a lot of. I try my best to limit my intake of carbs, fats, sugars and cheese.
point is, I messed up just today on my diet. I also messed up because I didnt make it to the gym for the leg workout I was supposed to do yesterday. But what do I do? I can't go back in time, I can't puke what I ate up, and I don't want to feel guilty the rest of my life. So tomorrow, I'm going to eat right and I'm going to get that leg workout in. I fell off my diet and exercise regiment. But I'm hopping right back on tomorrow.

So don't let things pound you into the ground. We aren't supposed to feel guilt and condemnation over our wrongs.God wants us to get up, dust ourselves off and continue the race. So what if we mess up again? That's why He sent His son, Jesus to forgive our sins. If He wanted us to live perfect lives He wouldn't have given us a "oh-crap-I-messed-up" option.
It's OKAY to mess up. Just get back up and continue the race the Lord has set before you. 

watch out for those who take refuge in the secret place.

To the people who have recently...
lied through your teeth right to my face, completely disrespected me, both as an adult and as a child of God, been un-just towards me and towards the people I love. Yes, to you who are convinced that you have done nothing wrong and that you have a "right" to be or do something. Who has with-held things that you have absolutely no right to with-hold. To you...

Just remember that God see's every single thing you do. He knows every intention. The things you are doing do not go unseen and they will not go ignored, because this little daughter of the King's is talking to Him about it. She's upset. She's hurt. She feels trapped. But she's talking to Him who knows all, in the secret place. She's working on being humble. She's working on loving the people who have hurt her so badly. She's trying to not worry about it, and she's trying to not let it bother her...but she has given it to the All Powerful One.

and here's another little tid-bit for you....
He will not let her cries go unheard. He will not let her pleading go unanswered. He will insure that Justice comes through for this little girl. He will not let the un-justness continue, and He will not allow it to go uncorrected.


Something that I think AMERICA's culture misses is that we have no rights. Sure..."what about our Constitution?"
That still doesn't mean we have any rights at all. Not in the Kingdom of God. So if you claim to be a Christian, you'd better believe that you have no rights except those permitted by His word.
"I have a right to disrespect you because you have disrespected me and I'm an adult and you're not. So it's okay."
WRONG.
two wrongs do not make a right, and if you're the adult, you should be mature enough to "do unto others as you would like to be done to you"
grow up.

but to those of you who even question if they have done any of the things listed above....just watch. you just watch. Because I have been getting mentored in this area. I have talked to God night after night, day after day about it. And it will not go un-noticed. Just watch.

let's just get real.

Dad encouraged me last night by saying this:

God promises that He will never give us anything we can't handle. Truth? Yes.
So, if that's the case, then He actually TRUSTS us with situations..So if I look at my life and think "wow...it's like I have problem after problem!" That's more like God saying "yeah, you do have problem after problem. But you're strong enough to handle it. I trust you with these situations to do the right thing."

So that's encouraging, especially because for me, it literally is like problem after problem. Issue after issue, and I can't confront the person I need to confront for another few months because IF I did, I would make things harder on myself.
(Only three or four people know of this particular situation..)

But even after these encouraging words, I can't help but think, especially as I scroll down facebook, "wow...you guys are so incredibly lucky...you're going to State in 4 different events, you're hanging out with your boyfriend/girlfriend without anyone breathing down your back, you can speak your mind freely, you don't live like you're walking on egg shells, you don't worry about some of the things I have to worry about,  you never, EVER had to live through most of the things I've been forced to live through, you are not injured and still hurting over things that happened a year ago..."
the list goes on and on. And I understand that I don't know everything about everyone. Everyone has their own little secrets. Cool.

I know I have victory. I know my enemy will be my footstool, I know they will have to watch me feast and they won't get any of the good food I get, I know I will be blessed, I know I will have peace and that justice in this situation will take place. And I know for a fact that in the next few years, the decisions that they are making now is going to come back and bite them right in the butt. And it's going to hurt like crazy. But that is what they're basically on their knee's begging for..

I know I've already been through a crap-load of stuff! I know I already have an awesome testimony about things that have just gone right for me. I am thankful for all of this.

But I'm still staring this battle down. I'm still having to deal with stuff I shouldn't have to deal with! And the fact that God trusts me with this is cool...but that doesn't mean I take pleasure in dealing with all of this. I'm currently doing better...I don't cry EVERY day. Probably every other day now.

This situation is teaching me some things too. Maybe that's what God's doing here...
1) I'm not here to kiss up to people's buttholes who think they are gods. THEY are the ones at fault here and if THEY don't take correction, if THEY aren't being convicted then that's their own problem.
2) It's taught me how to look for the fruits of the Spirit. And to not be extremely surprised when you DON'T find them.
3) It's really taught me to not get bitter and to forgive and not think "b*tch.." every time one particular name comes up.
4) Keeping a humble, teachable spirit will keep people from thinking "B*tch.." about me. ;) To not insist that I'm always right and to take correction.
5) It's taught me how to stand. and when I can't stand anymore, to continue to stand.
6) It's taught me to completely IGNORE what people think or say about me. What the heck does it matter anyway? Am I really going to let one person's stupid, unlearned opinion about me matter? no. Am I going to find beauty in myself and encourage myself in that? yes...
7) It's taught me discretion on how to handle immature people. Yes, I AM saying that I am more mature than the other person involved. And I say this without shame, and I'm not bragging. It's just true.
8) It's taught me how to view the situation from the other person's perspective, as twisted and wrong as it is.
9) It's taught me to not trust a living soul out there. I trust the people closely surrounding me, but no one else. And that's perfectly fine and healthy.
10) and it's teaching me how to beef up and correctly confront the other person involved. This has not taken place, neither will it for a few more months, but that's my exact point. correct confrontation is confrontation with the right words, the right attitude, and the right timing. And in some cases, with the right witnesses.

I view my life as an accelerated version as everyone else's life. If you knew some of the things I've dealt with and lived through, you would agree. I've matured far faster than a lot of people. Everyone is always going to think that I am too young for what I'm trying to accomplish. But that's okay. God knows I'm ready for what I'm battling or going for. If you think I'm too young for the things I'm doing then take it up with God. :P 

watch(wo)man

Honestly, I wouldn't be writing right now if I could simply say this to people's faces. Unfortunately, I see these things in people that I am in no position talk to about their faults because of the way they will behave and react to my confrontation....
But let me just say this....
If you claim to be a Christian, hear from God and have Holy Spirit in you, you also have the FRUIT of Holy Spirit. Let me briefly expand on this statement.
FRUIT. What is it? Fruit is something that comes off of a tree. A fruit tree produces fruit. Grapes will not grow on an orange tree and vice-versa. You can tell how good a tree is doing by it's fruit. If it produces sour fruit, you know something's wrong. But when it produces good, sweet fruit you know everything is good with it.
It's the same with the fruit of Holy Spirit.
"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.." (Galatians 5:22)

Let's put it this way, folks, to quickly and efficiently get my point across.
 If you do not have these fruits of the Spirit, the Spirit is not in you.
Know how I know this? God promises that this is truth. He says you reap what you sow.

Do not claim that you commune with God, that you have a good, strong relationship with Him, and do not claim that you have Holy Spirit in you if none of these things reflect in your life.

The second point I want to bring up is married to this same point.

If you are really full of the Spirit, you will not speak about your family so bitterly. You will not push them down. You will not say "you're retarded" or any harsh thing.

In my opinion, saying these things about your parents, siblings, and children makes you more of a jerkface to be around than a first degree murderer. There's special words used to describe you...words that I won't post on the internet...

And what bugs me the most is that these people post on facebook these verses of the Bible...yet I can see you have no Spirit in you. It's in plain sight.
The frustrating part is if I brought this to your attention, you would literally chew my head right off of my body. I'm not ready for that reaction...


And yes, I do ask "God, why do You show me these certain things in people that I can't even talk to, because they won't listen to a single word I say? I'd rather not see it and not have this beef with them deep inside..." It freakin sucks. 

red.

i have the sweetest, most loving boyfriend in the entire world, ya'll. Even when we can't spend time together he takes the time to write me a letter. And when i do get to see him, he truly treats me like a princess.
and I love him. And im thankful that my parents love him too.
one of the things that melted my heart today was "i like your dad."
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
ohmygoodness he knows how to steal my heart, that's for sure.
and to those of you who dont know...yeah we're talking about getting married. tying the knot.


which i know that's what's gonna happen because of recent events.


BUT anyway, i think THAT is really cool because I've prayed all my life "God please let my first boyfriend be the only boyfriend I ever have..."
<3 guess what, world! This girl waited til she was 18 to meet this guy. She never dated another. she stuck tight to her guns. She prayed a lot about it. And this is her reward. :)

no, neither of us are perfect. We have our moments that we don't get along. But we always come back to say "I'm sorry, I love you".
And all you freako's, jerks, weirdo's, meaners, rudenesses, and buttheads can lie all you want to either of us about the other. We know each other well enough to know a lie when we hear one. :P so there, suckers. take that and shove it where the sun dont shine...
and honestly, I'm not sorry for that attitude. There have been far too many liars butting their heads in our relationship trying to break us up. I'm tired of it. And that honestly is my attitude towards those people right now. None of it has done anything but strengthen our relationship. and...it's OUR relationship, not yours. Yes, I claim ownership of this on earth and in heaven, and for a reason.

anyway..I really wanted to brag on my boyfriend. Because I love him so much, and he's the best anyone could have.

whoops...

I made a big mistake this evening...
I knew better than to do this, but I did it.
It was so weird, I had gone to BCC for a career assessment and to talk to an adviser about results and such from that...the very moment I walked out of that building onto the campus, a "feeling" came on me. just hopeless. I was sad, depressed, I missed people a lot, I was impatient, quick to release stinging words from my mouth, it was horrible.
yeah I was under some major attack. and the thing that makes me upset a little is that I didn't see it when it happened.
I ended up saying some things that really hurt a few of the people I really really love, and it blew up.
All of this drama and heartache and worry all because I didn't fight the initial attack.

But, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I hope and pray that others learn from my bad example.
The Lord lead me to I John tonight after all of this...

"But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world."
I John 4:4

Just previous to this verse, it's talking about false prophets, what to look for in a true prophet of God, and then it continues to say how false prophets have the spirit of the antichrist, which is a spirit OF THE WORLD...
So the Spirit (God, Holy Spirit) who lives in me is greater than the spirit who subsides in the world.
That's when I was like "ohhh, I messed up..."

We all make mistakes. Yes, even as Christians. But Jesus died for exactly that, so that we can be forgiven, given a second, third, fourth, five-hundredth chance. And our mistakes doesn't make Him love us any less.

I'd also like to just acknowledge that I have a great boyfriend, who encourages me in the middle of all of this. "do me a favor, go to your room, lay on your bed, and read the Bible. I dont even care what you read, just read something. and then pray..." and he proceeded to give me specific things to pray for and about.
wise words. very wise words. <3

"Fall"

I see posts on Facebook about fall. For me, when fall starts to come, it's like 3 months of holiday preparation. pumpkin everything, followed up with peppermints and lights. and I'm actually looking forward to all of it this year, which seems so strange to me.

Which brings another thought to mind...
Last year at this time, my life was slowly but surely going down the tubes. My entire family was having issues with several different things and I remember thinking, "is there a break anywhere? Any glimmering little light? Any chance that this hell I'm walking through won't last the rest of my life? It's coming from every possible direction..."
LAST YEAR, the miserable-holidays (which were incredibly lonely) kicked off the next 3 months. Dad had left again before Christmas. We didn't decorate the house at all. no lights, no tree, I didn't even buy anyone's presents 'til after Christmas day. It was hard.
January 2012 I got a job. I was working my butt off, going to school and swimming my heart out. I'd leave at 9am and not get back home until 6pm MAYBE.
then my Dad ended up in the ICU. that was horrific....he was in there for a week before I went to see him. (something that i really regret) My Mom and my sister, Amy, had been begging me to go see him. The night I went to see him for the first time, was the eve of the day they were going to put a breathing tube in him. He labored so hard for each and every breath. He was skinny, he had lost hair and he was so pale. I could only be there for 30 seconds tops before I raced out of his room, through the ICU doors and into the waiting room to cry. There was another family in there when I got in the room trying to hold myself together. Their expressions I will never forget. I must have looked horrified. It hurts just to remember....
for 47 running days, I cried at work, struggled to keep my grades up, ran a lot and swam as hard as I could. I swam at every swim meet I could get into just to keep myself busy. I broke a few PR's during that time...

But this year is looking much much better. This holiday season appears to be much happier. Little Finley (Amy's son) was born a month ago. Dad's at a program and not out on the streets. Stephen's with me. It's going to be a much happier time. and for that, I'm thankful.

wisdom perhaps?

im so tired of people waiting for my family and me to come to their every beckoning call to kiss their butt. Or people looking down on us because of some of the stuff we've been through.

news flash: as much as we hate to admit it, we cannot control everything in our lives that happens.

so don't look down on me or think that im gonna come running to kiss your butt because of what ive been through or because i did it for someone else. you don't know my situation. you dont know my reasoning. and ill go out of my way a lot of the time...but the SECOND you start demanding me to go out of my way is when i come to a screeching stop. im done letting people run all over me. im even done with MOST peoples opinions.

think about it; PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. every single person out there is different. we are each set apart from each other. no one person is exactly like the next so...considering there are SO many people, and the world is currently in sin, it's reasonable to say that there will be people each of us will run into that we just don't like. Personality differences! you're gonna hit heads with people. that's just the way the world is.

SO.....
why would anyone let another persons' opinion about them effect their daily life? Even if it's someone closer to them!
why would anyone allow that? It's silly! peoples' opinions aren't THAT important!

all this to say, if you don't like me, just say so. it's not going to devastate me. and don't come to me saying "oh i just love you so much!" and then turn around and tell someone else how much you can't stand me and how annoying i am. shutuuuuup!
ohmygosh that's a freaking bold-faced LIE!

your opinion about me doesn't matter that much anyways. so save me from getting super pissed off, and save your lies for someone else, cause ill find out what you said anyway, and just tell me straight up.

this is all i have to say. im distancing myself from the people around me that are doing these exact things. fortunately, i will still have my closest family, my important friend, and Stephen. that's all that matters to me right now. I've been shattered the past few months. I need some mega-healing time.

i win.

There's a few things I'd like to briefly address. 

life will not "take it easy" on you. i know that for a fact. life is hard. 
there will always be people that don't like you. There will be people that attack you. There will be situations that eat away at your thoughts. There will be things that make you cry for hours, and all you'll be able to do is curl up in the fetal position. You won't always make people happy. There will be times that you're trying to do the right thing, but every bit of your flesh is screaming at you to retaliate or try to fix it. You'll have to pray for people that have hurt you. You'll have to love your enemies. You'll agree to disagree. People that are supposed to minister to you and support you and "be on your side" and encourage you in the Lord will pretty much crap on your face. 

-but-

That's when The Lord promises such amazing things to you. And yeah, you'll have to labor for it. Your faith will be tested. But when God promises something, it always comes to pass. His word will not return void. 

He promises stuff like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

i like this version because it says "when you walk through the fire you will not be burned." When you touch fire, it immediately burns you. But He says that it won't even burn you. 

And then, after His promises come to pass, there's yet another promise that I've stood on for a long long time. It kind of encourages you in the middle of the fight, but it's also a reward afterwards.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weakened knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13
this means, to me, that I'm marking out a path right now. I'm going through stuff that people will go through after me, and I'll be able to help them when all of this is over. I'll be able to speak into their lives, I'll be able to relate and understand their pain. 
I remember this every time something ELSE happens in my life. That and the Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle. So, not only can i handle these situations, but I will pass through them with flying colors and I'll be able to encourage others in the Lord and my testimony will do great things.

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." Revelation 12:11

insensitive people

i don't know why some people think they need to "make me tough" by purposefully making some aspects of my life dramatic and difficult. stealing my phone and texting my boyfriend that im breaking up with him? really? twice in one week?
There's no reason for this. and honestly, the people that are doing this have no clue what i've been through recently. they have no idea what kind of stuff is happening, but they think i need to "get tougher"? it upsets me that these people think it's okay, and that they laugh in my face while im angry at them or call them out and say that they owe me an apology with tears streaming down my face. how insensitive.

Have you ever flown home from being away for nearly 3 weeks to news that your Dad was high and angry with your sister because she wouldnt give him YOUR truck keys? and he threatened her? and now you can't even stay at your house, you have to stay somewhere else for the next week and your mom's not there, your dad's not there and none of your siblings are there to just be a shoulder to cry on? you have to CALL them on the phone for any support? your CLOSEST family, the people that are the absolute closest to you..and you have to call them. you have to pick up the mess left at home.

maybe i do need to toughen up....but im not going to take that advice from someone who doesnt even know me. I'll take it from my mom or my very close friends and mentors...but not just some person i know.

im having enough trouble trying to keep myself together at my grandmothers house this week. being scared and cautious when i go to my house...it's a complicated mess.
But let me say this; if you don't know everything that's going on with someone, don't "try to fix them" or "toughen them up"...it's just not right, and you're not the judge of that.
I'm trying so so hard to keep my relationship with God going right now and it's hard, because stuff just gets worse and harder. I'm trying to not always cry and complain to God, but it's really hard when that's almost all i can do when im alone is cry.
Anyway, that's my rant right now. the end. 

glass beach

Man i feel like my family's really been going through the ringer lately. I don't really feel like describing all that's gone on in the past 8 hours of my life alone, but i will say this just to encourage myself and to encourage whoever chooses to read this.....
I was talking to my mom the other night about some of the things my family goes through when i was reminded of a beach i heard about, i think in Cali.

It was a dumpsite for old glass. Now when glass breaks it's sharp and not safe....but when it's rubbed against other objects by the tide and water at this beach, the glass is worn down to soft, rounded pieces. It's safe then.
It was supposed to be a DUMP SITE....but now it's an attraction. it's beautiful. But first it had to be grounded down, it had to be tossed and turned and knocked around against other stuff.
the most beautiful people are the one's that have been through the most heartache.  It's true. I've met people that are the sweetest, most gentle beings in the world...and then i hear what all they've gone through.
When you go through the tossing and turning, you get understanding. You come out on the other side being able to step back from the situation and assessing all aspects before allowing yourself to "feel" any way about it. I already see that in myself and I know Im not done with all this yet. yay.

Beautiful Things

sometimes i feel like this song is all about me.
"You make beautiful things out of dust, You make beautiful things out of us"

to the 5 followers that i have on here, but i guess mostly to future me, who will look back on all of this and say "yeah..i lived through that.", you know some of the junk ive gone through. i deal with a lot of rejection. My heart has been drug through the mud and dirt. it's been beaten and bruised and abused. I've gone through some tough freakin stuff that I'd never wish for anyone else.
real-life example: This week my Dad came home high. he gave me a hug. But the worst part about that is that when he WASNT high (the last time i'd seen him before this...) i gave him a hug....and he didnt hug me back. But he gave me a hug when he was high. That still tears me to shreds inside.
he called me from someone's phone and when i called them back(because i missed the call) this lady had the nerve to say "you take care of him. im his friend and he just needs to be taken care of. i really care about him" okay "lady", I've never heard your name when my Dad was straight and clear-minded. Therefore, you are NOT his friend and you dont give a rip about him. Im lucky there were children around when that phone call was made. When the human heart is hurt and someone decides to stab it one more time, the head retaliates and wants to say very mean, hurtful things to other people. Worse yet, when youre angry your head doesnt think things through very well. God THANK YOU that there were children around....what grace and mercy.


This is just one small example, not to mention all the other times something has happened. Im certainly not bragging about this at all, im not trying to win the "my life is worse than yours" contest like a lot of people do.
But being very honest and clear about this stuff, i believe, will be a testimony to others later. I'll be able to reach people who deal with what Im currently going through.

This is more for girls....
when you're drug through the dirt and rocks and you get hurt, remember that He makes beautiful things out of the crap. This is an extremely important and pressing thing to share. So many girls don't think they're beautiful, inside or out. But God makes us beautiful. We might go through a lot, it may be ugly, but the Lord still makes beautiful things out of our ashes. i honestly cant find words to perfectly describe the reality of all of this.

so maybe today you're just having a rough day. Maybe you're worried or being tossed around and stressed out. Maybe someone said something hurtful, or worse yet did something hurtful.
dont be afraid. The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust. It may be an ugly situation right now, but a week, month, year in the future, it'll look better. Don't loose hope. He doesn't give up on us, so let's not let ourselves give up on  Him :) in His perfect timing everything will come together as it ought to.

it's very simple; just do it.

Here's a novel idea for everyone to adopt: "Just Do It!" -Nike

really, this is such a simple thing to do, but we are (for lack of other describing words that aren't coming to mind..) lazy americans.
i find myself saying "i need to workout, go to work, go to the store, go to the bank, clean my room, organize my desk, do laundry blah blah blah.."
and then i sit around and do nothing. But in reality, doing these things are extremely simple. hop in the car and go! the hardest part of doing stuff is literally stepping out the door.
to get started with something, all we need to do is to Just Do It.
i try to remember this every day. I usually set goals for stuff i need to do each day, i make a mental list of things i need to accomplish. Sometimes it's "go to the beach and surf all day" and other days it's "clean my room and get to work" it's not hard to do.
i think part of our problem is that most Americans with jobs have hours that they work. They have zero choice in this matter. if you're scheduled to show up at 10am and leave at 5pm, you're at work for that time period. When you have no choice in whether you go to school or work  or not, it's not hard to get out and just do it.
but i have a job where i go in when i want for however long i want. That freedom is nice, but i can also spot my own laziness extremely quickly.
so i've adopted "just do it".
Set a small list of goals and things you want to accomplish within a day (not a week! that allows too much time) and then JUST DO IT. bam. and when you're done with that list, you can go have fun and enjoy yourself. it's no big deal ;) 

graduation 2012

oh man...yesterday i graduated high school. the past 12 years of my 18 years on this earth i've worked for this hard and diligently 5-6, and at times 7 days a week at all hours of the day and night. I've had tons of cram nights that i stay up til ridiculous hours of the morning studying for exams, and plenty of tests i didnt study for. I've had late papers that "my dog ate" and plenty of stressful tears shed over the years.
haha i remember back in like first or second grade i was doing school work one afternoon in the "school room" (which is now my room, ironically) and i was trying to get done with a worksheet before Reading Rainbow came on tv because i really wanted to watch it. It was a hard worksheet at the time, but i worked through it with the encouraging words of my Mom and my older sisters, and got done just in time to watch my show.
There was one semester in fourth grade that i got up at 6am to get my school done early so i could help my mom in the garden.
There were PLENTY of times that i did all of my school work in the car on the way to events and field trips. Going to "Girls Club" with Corrie, April, Bethany and Happy. Coming out to the table for classes my Mom was teaching that i was a part of.
Going to swim meets that consisted of munching on chocolate chip cookies, swimming all day and smelling sunscreen. Laughing the whole breakstroke event that i swam because my parents and sisters were at the other end of the pool yelling...which was really funny.
going to horse lessons with Mrs. Jane and riding Abby and meeting my first horse.
The day that Mom told me that we were getting Topper and the excitement i had when Corrie and i woke up the following morning and went to the barn to see my first big crush: my horse.
riding down the road with Carina and Christina when it started POURING down rain. We got back to the barn soaked and freezing.
waking up at 5am on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays in the summer time to go feed and groom my horse before it got too hot and begging Mom to give me a few minutes to ride bareback before we left. I used to hurry to groom the three horses so i could beat her cleaning up the stalls so id have 5 minutes to ride.
Horsecamp. Must i say more?
going to Latvia. the Jr high small group where we ate the childrens ministry's candy. Hillary saying that it was bathingsuit season and we'd better watch our diets. walking. dancing. being scared in the hostel in Riga. plane rides....
going to Colorado and South Dakota. climbing the Ninja route!!! sleeping on the edge of a mountain in the snow. not feeling my toe for months after. puking a lot. that kitchen at the Rez where i spent a LOT of time....
2010..going to Tennessee. meeting people that would literally change my life forever. OHMYGOSH Mrs. Brookin's class! learning to surf.
2011, getting ready to be a senior. going to Regionals and being .01 seconds off of going to State. the cold cold meets and the really hot ones. and SURF CAMPS!!!! i loved EPIC's surf camps so much and every one that was even minutely involved. seeing the sunrise on the beach every morning.
and now 2012. Stephen stepped into my life. finishing classes and here i am. graduated.
im reminded of how quickly life passes us by. life just happens and we decide how we want our lives to be. and this scares me now because i am eighteen, im an adult and now im graduated from high school. so my life is mine now. My parents have done their job. now it's my turn to decide how i want my life to go. and that's the scary part....
but with God right here with me helping to decide and guiding me along the right path, i dont have to fear. It makes me nervous, especially right now that it's just all happened so quickly, but i dont have to be afraid of life. life is a good thing. time is good. i want to use my life and my time wisely. i want to set goals for myself. i want to succeed in all of this and i want to hear God say "well done, My good and faithful servant" at the end of my time. I'd love for Him to say it even while im here to encourage me...but we'll see about that ;)
so, dear graduates, congrats. this is your life, you have free will. i hope and pray you follow God and choose to honor Him in all your ways. I know i neeeeeed His help. i dont want to even attempt to do this without Him.
so that's all i have to say. it's scary, but it's not. the end.

just saying..

i love being with people that i feel like i can be myself with. I can not wear any make up at all and still feel beautiful with them and i can be a complete dork, nerd, whatever, and they love me anyway. They think im beautiful with messy beach hair and no mascara, eyeliner or shadow on. they think im fun to be around even though i invited them over to play phase ten, and walk around the house with a pair of geek glasses on. 

i love being with them, because i love being me, and i love feeling like i can be me and still be loved. 

There are few people i can be like this with. 

my family, but this hardly counts cause they have to love me haha

Stephen

Lauren 

Kristin

Reghan/Piper/Brooklyne

that's a short list. but im perfectly fine with that, because they're who matters. end of story. <3

parents

i know a lot of people my age that really can't stand their parents. they're always like "im so annoyed when my mom opens her mouth." or "i hate my mom." or "ohmygosssssh my dad pisses me off!"
well..i know where you're coming from. im your age too, and sometimes i get frustrated with my mom and especially my dad.
but here's something i think a lot of us have missed that i certainly haven't.
1) they really love you. sometimes you think they're just being difficult, but 99.9999% of the time it's for your own good. the .0001% is for someone elses' sake.
2) parents go through a lott of crap. circumstances that they can't control come up and it's just a nasty mess. and they can't do ANYTHING about it. all they can do is try to make it better or easier, but they can't always just fix it. the world is a cruel place, and they're just trying to get through it just like you and me.

so next time you think to yourself "wow my mom is being really annoying right now..", step back and evaluate the situation. They gotta run through the crap too. try to see where they're coming from. is your attitude going to make anything better for them? or even yourself? or anyone?
i understand, you need to vent at times. i totalllllly get that. but i would never say "i hate my mom" or "im annoyed when she opens her mouth."
maybe it's just her personality. maybe she just REALLY cares about you. maybe she's having a rough day and she needs a few minutes of peace.

My mom is the most amazing woman i know. legit. with all the junk that's gone on in all of our lives in the past 12 years, and especially recently...i would have blown up. i have! but she's handled it all with such grace. it's amazing.

AND, enjoy the time you have with your parents. because TRUST me, when one of your parents are laying in a hospital bed in the ICU inches from death, you think about every time you rejected them or showed an attitude or even got annoyed with them. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DID! no matter how much they've hurt you in the past, no matter how much heart-ache they've caused you.
i can talk like this because i have been there. in my 18 short years on this earth i've learned a lot more than most people my age have, but it's because i've walked through a lot of junk. i would never wish what ive walked through for anyone, but i would hope that you would listen to me and not have to experience it for yourself, because it's like living hell.
anyway, im done ranting. listen, learn, change. that's all.

church...

y'know what REALLY bugs me? When i tell people that i used to go to church with that im going to a different church. Guess what their response is about 90% of the time.
"well, are you still following God?"
no, im going to church at a baptist church and im not following God at all. ((sarcasm))
you seriously just piss me off so much. Just because i dont go to church where you go, where you are in everyone's business, boss people around and demand long, loud worship sessions doesn't mean i dont follow God.
just because i go to a sweet baptist church that is SO quiet next to your services doesn't mean im not following God.
ever take into consideration that I swim? Therefore, i spend a lot of time in the water and i get gallons and gallons of water in my ears? and that maybe, just maybe, i have constant ear-issues no matter what i flippin do? and that all the loud, constant music, though i am young, can hurt at times? "wear ear-plugs!"....no, that hurts too. and dont you dare call me old.
there are the few 10% (who have really proved to me that they love me. these are the people that KNOW me.) that say "aw that's nice! How is it there? do you like it?"

and the other thing is this: we're all human, we all sin.
woah. what a flippin revelation. everyone makes mistakes, we all "wander off the narrow road", and we all eventually have to come back and ask for forgiveness.
let me be where im at with life, with God, with family and with friends.
yeah, i know with my particular circumstances it's easy to think that im falling into depression when im in a bad mood, when im tired or when something else happens and it just got a little tougher. But just because you think that doesn't mean that that is the case. Everybody has rough days, everyone gets tired (especially me!! i get up and run/cross train, go to work/school, go to swim practice, study and on many weekends i get up early and go to swim meets. i have an exhausting lifestyle.) and everyone gets in tough circumstances! EVERYONE.

layyyyyy offffffffffff. nothin' personal.

question o' the day

i have a question for the whole world to answer, please.

do i have an unattractive personality?

I contemplated this today as i was riding my bike around downtown. i was dressed in normal clothes; shorts and a shirt. nothin' special. but a lot of guys that drove by were doing things like waving, honking and yelling "ay hotty!" out of their car....
now, this flattered me a little. but at the same time it made me wonder what's wrong with me too. why don't people i know on a personal level like me?
do i blow up too much? do i get too stressed and carry it over? am i too clingy, needy, complainy? do i have too much crap going on in my life that comes out? am i too crazy? too weird? too focused? not focused enough? am i just plain ole' annoying?
People get noticed for their appearance, but they're known for their personality.
i can't answer this on my own, so ill take whatever ya'll throw at me and work with it, or on it, as the case may be.

i want to be the best person i can be. i want to be pretty on the outside, but i want to be drop-dead gorgeous on the inside. 

you gonna put me in a song? sweet.

wow, what a busy week i have had!!
I've been writing a research paper that i should have done weeks ago that is due tomorrow morning (i have legitimate reasons this slipped my mind..no hard feelings about this.)
I've worked only 14 hours or so this week due to having to study and helping at the house.
I have improved so much in swimming this week it's almost scary. but im glad. Seeing both of your coaches' faces light up when they look at their stop watch is the most rewarding thing to ever experience at practice ever. the next two weekends at my meets im dropping time. :D and im excited about that. running and weights have definitely paid off, so i shall continue to do what i've been doing :)
in general, i've just been a happy person this week.
i went to the beach yesterday and got a nice tan, and i started correcting my bad tan lines (in vain...because they'll be back this week when i go to practice.) but still, i can feel good about it for the two days i have off.
i honestly don't know how i do what i do, but i do it.

i think people underestimate what they're capable of. i know i do, even in practice. Tash throws me 200 IM's on a 3:30 interval in practice and my first thought was "you've got to be kidding me." but then i do it, and i make them all with 20 seconds rest in between.
THATS ANOTHER THING.
20 seconds is a really long time. like, in swimming let's say you're given 8 200's and you reach the wall each time with 20 seconds to spare between them? that's a long time. 20 seconds is a very long time...that's off topic though.
when i did those 200 IM's and wasn't passed by anyone AND had a few seconds rest in between after being moved up a lane, i felt really good about myself. sure, i pushed myself hard in that 200, i got on the wall and was very tired and out of breath. but to just keep going is easy..it's like deciding you're going to run 2 miles every morning. you just get up out of bed, put your shoes on and take that first step. you just do it, one stride at a time. If everyone literally just ran one stride at a time and didn't stop when it started to hurt a little, we'd get so much more done. in the morning, i wake up and run and this is what goes through my mind..."yeah that stride hurt a little, my knee/hip/ankle threw a fit, but one more stride and it'll go away." (next stride) "ahh, see? didn't hurt as bad that time."
a lot of what we do is 90% physical and 10% mental. but that 10% seems to take up more space than it should, and we seem to yell at ourselves a lot. if we would get past ourselves and just do what we gotta do and don't think about it too much, we'd get so much done. we'd surprise ourselves.
that's where i'm at. stop thinking about what i have to do and just do it, and then when you do think about what you did, you're like "woah that's so cool. i did that!"
i take this concept into my work, school, swimming...just all over life. haha. it's a great way for me to live, considering all the hell that's been flying in my life. i am by far a much happier person when i live like this. im just gonna keep going from where i am :)

a short lesson about me.

the past few days I've been thinking a lot. (Especially at work or when im running.)
i know what my "problem" is!! I simply really really love people....and in reality, that's not a problem at all, but some people treat it that way and you're fixing to find out about all this so just keep reading..k?

i love love love so many people in my life. I want to just give everyone a hug and talk to them and get up close and personal and be completely honest with them and i want to be a person that they feel comfortable with so that they can do the same. I want to just love them so much!!!
but (recently) I've crossed paths with a few people that are afraid of love. They have best friends that last a few months and then they move on to a whole new set of friends. "they never stick around for long with them.." is what everyyone says. they're afraid to love people, and they're afraid to be loved. They have their reasons, their hurts, and their pains i am sure.
(and me, just now figuring all this out after not even talking to this particular person in almost two months) -___- I got hurt by this. i thought they had a personal thing against me and it hurt a lot because me and this person were really close. I've spent the last two months occasionally trying to figure stuff out and what to do about it to make it all better..
well, today, i finally got it. just love 'em anyways. Maybe the reject it right now, ok. don't be annoying and insistent, but be there. everytime i see that person, im going to say 'i love you'. never bash them, never talk about them to other people negatively (cause word gets around quick..) always say "i love them."
that's my job, that's my goal. They might be afraid to love and to be loved, but i will not. and i will love the way Jesus did; with no reservations, no regrets and no stipulations. im just going to love that person(s) just because i can.
What's done is done, we forgive. my pastor said this past week that the definition of forgiveness is releasing the right to hate. well, i forgive. :] i hold no regrets.
i hope everything turns out good for this person. I hope that one day soon we can be best buds like we were last semester. 'til then, ill just love 'em.

To Tyla. 2/8/12

This is a note that, maybe one day, ill print up and give to my sweet sweet niece, Tyla.

Dear Tyla,
Today is your sixth birthday. i cannot believe how quickly the time has passed! The day you were born, everyone in the family was extremely happy and excited, as you were the first grand baby and niece in the family. I felt a special new responsibility to be the best aunt ever. To provide for you where i could, to love you and to encourage you in every way i found possible. I've watched you grow up into such a beautiful little girl! You have a servants heart, and you are full of compassion, forgiveness and love. It's been a wonderful six years, watching you grow up into such a wonderful person, and i look forward to watching you continue to grow.
Baby girl, you are capable of doing so much with your life, and i can see already that you will go far in life. Set your eyes on the prize, and i know you will reach it.
This year I'm going away to college and i will sincerely miss seeing you every afternoon when you get home from school. I am always here for you, Ty, whenever you need me.
I love you more than you know, sweetheart! 

meh

i have seriously lived through the most terrifying week of my life. the past 2 months i've lived through a teenage girls' hell.
and y'know, i put on a great smile when it's appropriate. but sometimes at night before i go to bed, when im all alone in my dark room with my music on, i get sad. it's like my brain gets a chance to catch up from the business of my day and comprehend all the stress and bad news and all the confusion that comes that i totally missed in the day time due to just being busy. and it's times like those that i need someone to just be close to. even if it's through text.
but im (sadly) at the point that i feel that i've exhausted everyone around me. so many bad things have happened to me that i've told people about that i feel like a debbie downer everytime i open my mouth. so i just shut it. i try to not complain. and i try to keep my talking about it to a minimum, because people come in and tell me all this stuff that sounds so simple, but it's much harder to apply.
i've lived through a lot of crap in a short 18 years.

so i just sit in my room and sing in my head to myself..."it's a damn cold night try'na figure out this life.."
and think "yeah...figuring life out right now's a challenge." boys..school..freaking people..work..swimming...
and it's not like i can just "give up" on those things, cause i want to get married, i want an education, i want to work and make money and i want to swim!! so i can't just give up...but man right now it's a challenge. if any one of those things would just simplify itself in my life; just get easier, then i could strive. if the right guy could come around, the kind that i just need right now, that doesnt bug the crap out of me, that i actually like and he actually likes me back...that'd work.
if i could just get A's in every class without trying soo hard, if it just came easy..
if i could earn $20 an hour instead of $7, and be able to work the same amount of time and the same hours as i do now...
if i could just suddenly go into insane beast-mode in swimming and become a star that schools are fighting for me all of the sudden, that would be fantastic.
and if all of these things happened, i wouldnt have so much of a reason to stress. life would simplify itself a little bit at least.
but life is there for us to struggle through.
so ill continue to struggle my way through this life of mine. maybe one day ill thrive.

think it through.

why do people feel the need to be insanely mean to others?

here's my way of thinking....
you have no idea what other people are going through. You don't know what's going through his or her head, you don't know what their family life holds, and you don't know the things they've done that they haven't told you about. you don't know whether they've done something they truly regret or not. So, before you say something mean, why be mean? What if that person you just said that to was thinking about suicide? what if they were debating doing drugs, drinking, having sex, to try to fill an empty void? what if they're at their breaking point in life? what if they're at their lowest low that they've ever been at, and they're just putting on a plastic smile to cover it up? What if? 
Before you go and bash someone, let's take a step back and think. Could they be going through a lot of crap in life right now? and if it's even minutely possible, be nice. Your words to that person could make or break them. Your act of cruelty or kindness can make the decision for them about committing suicide. 


I know how it feels to have chaos going on in life and then someone saying something really mean. They say it and it feels like you were drop-kicked in the stomach; like you don't have enough strength to stand anymore. You wonder why you're still breathing, you question why you try to fight through all the crap anymore. "the whole world is crashing down anyway, and im not gonna make it out alive anyway, so why live through anymore? why don't i just go away forever. at least then i can't hurt anymore.."
i have been there. it's heartbreaking. everything hurts. it is possible to hurt emotionally soooo bad that physically your body hurts. i've been there. So this is me on my knee's begging you...

be nice. be kind. be the difference. don't drive someone to kill themselves; don't let that happen on your watch. You truly could be the only reason someone's alive right now, so don't screw that up. 


"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? i could really use a wish right now..."

hands offf

i love the church im currently attending. West Side is so quiet. i love it. Pastor Jeremy's voice even is very calm and soothing to listen to.
but my point of writing today is this; ive been fighting too much. i've been fighting my own battles and we can SEE where that's gotten me. nooo wheere.
so, what else is there to do? i've fought hard for relationships that arent gonna happen. They're not getting better with all my hard-headed fighting for them.
So im gonna step back and take my hands off for a few weeks. Maybe stuff will get better then.

i was thinking about all of this in church today. Pastor Jeremy was talking about how fear keeps us paralyzed and how our fighting isn't necessary, because He can win the battle a lot easier and a lot better than us. so....
hands off. i might need to hide my phone or just leave it home for some of this time. i might need to not talk to some people and instead talk to others. maybe delete some numbers. maybe get a new number. i dont know...but im going to do what it takes.
it's like a "i love you so much, that im going to leave you alone because it's better for you" thing.
if you're reading this, though i doubt you are, i love you forever and always; please remember that, even if im not there to tell you....through the good the bad and the ugly. happy, sad, or whatever. <3
hands off now.

One Step Closer.

This song is my favorite. 

"one step closer" is one of my favorite lines right now.

but one step closer to what? 

for me right now, that "one step closer" is towards loving from a distance. everyday, emotionally, i am working on loving two people that i used to be VERY close with from a distance. like, not talking or seeing them everyday, if at all. Everyday i am one step closer to remembering doing stuff with them and smiling to myself at the good times instead of wishing we were still like that. it's a long and harsh healing process, but i am trying so hard. 

this song to me is a little reverse of what Christina Perri intended it to be, i think. to me, if i was singing this song, im saying...

"i have loved you up close and personal. i've loved loving you that way! But now we have to love from a distance. it's painful, harsh, hard, cold and it makes me want to puke. i hate that it's come to this; but i will be at peace with this. just like you.

and even though we're not close anymore, i still love you with all of my heart, and i ALWAYS will. Maybe one day, we can be close again. i hope so. but right now, i have to heal..and every day, i get closer to that goal."

i still cry a lot, especially when im alone, or when someone says something about ANY of it. i still feel the need to puke frequently, especially when im talking to someone about this stuff and i have to not cry. but it's part of the healing process, and i will live through this. 

someone told me this week "You Wall women are a tough bunch...this is a season. Winter freezes over and some things die, but Spring will always follow and bring new life." (Merry Falero)

this was an extremely hard thing to hear, especially the "some things die" part. No one likes death. no one likes to experience that kind of pain; that hopeless feeling of knowing there's absolutely nothing you can do about this situation. All you can do is go through the phases of grief and not do something stupid. but death is part of life. And Merry was right, spring always follows. New life is always right around the corner. all you have to do is take those few steps to see what's there. 

Taking those few steps is so hard to do. It's walking into the unknown; leaving what you know and love (even though it's dead..) and walking into the new. 

My Dad, whether he knows it or not, prepared me for this. he raised me to be a tough little girl in all the little things. he taught me how to shoot a gun, drive standard, pull/back up huge trailers..and in all of these tangible things, he taught me how to emotionally be a little toughie. he taught me how to do all these things one step at a time, believing every second of every step that "i can do it". he prepared me to deal with this kind of pain. and to some people, this is the most disgusting thing of all of this, but it's not to me. it's kind. all along, i've been trained to be able to deal with the hard stuff. one step at a time. every breath, every hour has come to this, so i can handle this one step at a time. Doing this has been the kindest thing my Dad has ever done for me. 

oh the world is a cruel place. 

it's one of those "im gonna write out all my freaking frustrations" seasons..sorry.

rejection is a really hard thing to deal with, and honestly no one should ever have to "just deal with it." I've watched rejection shred people apart, and i've experienced it first-hand, in it's prime. i really hate it when people coldly reject their family. it really pisses me off, to the point that i would throw a few punches to get my point across.

dear world,
when a young mother of three children is experiencing rejection from her father, her husband, and is not living close to HER family but her husbands', you dont (blanking) reject her just like everybody else.
freakkkking retards. she's a thousand miles from her mom and her sisters, and you choose to let her experience MORE rejection because the situation isn't "comfortable" for you?! i seriously would love to just shoot you square in the head right now.
sincerely,
a very upset sister who is at the end of her rope with injustice.

selfishness leads to rejection. that's all there is to it.

every man in my direct family's life has really screwed up everything for us. and i am beyond being talked to about it. i've been stolen from, and more importantly, my mom, my sisters, my niece and my nephews have been stolen from. there's no justifying what's been done. i get mad when people "flick me off on their way out"...that's one thing, actually. go ahead...but you dare do that to any other person in my family and i will tear your face off of your scull, or at least think of the most excruciating, most painful and most torturous way to kill someone and do it to you. they've been to hell and back and they somehow find it in their hearts to forgive and love you, out of every other person in the world. they've been broken at such a young age. they've had to experience this rejection so early in life, from people that are supposed to always be there. and it's NOT fair. they deserve so much more than what has been dealt to them. and yeah i know all of this sounds really gross and gory and unlike me, but i am so mad right now. and i will not apologize for that.
im ready for some justice to take place in my family's life and in mine. im done with injustice taking place week after week.

i've always pictured myself as a good southern girl. blue eyes and a sweet personality.....
'til you really piss her off. then you realize "ohhhhhhhhh crap, she knows how to shoot and drive.." and poison your food, slash tires, use a baseball bat......
you really dont want to get me to that point. praise God that im a christian, so it takes a really long time of abuse to get me to that point. but i wouldnt put it past me if i were you.
so just watch out, world. this girl's reached the end of her rope.



im posting this just so i can look back and remember how insanely mad i was tonight. that's all.

im a fighter.....

life is one tough cookie. ( <--that's the edited version of what im actually thinking.....)
"we're like fire and gasoline, im no good for you, you're no good for me. we only bring each other tears and sorrow." -- Tomorrow by Chris Young.

the stuff that really really matters to me is at a hopeless state. the stuff that's okay and fine is going pretty freakin well and somewhat easy. but because the things that really matter to me aren't going so well, my life's a hell-hole.

i am a fighter though, and maybe that's why God's dealt me these crappy cards..because i am capable of handling it.
i get the hard relationships, where all we do is make trouble. we fight, we love, we fight and fight and fight. we're both hard-heads..we say hurtful things, and at times it feels like that's all we do; hurt each other. there's rarely a day of peace between us. we try to act cold toward each other when really we aren't, but we feel the need to look 'strong' and like 'that didnt affect me at all'...but we're not, and it did.
but because i am that fighter, i fight for these relationships. i dont cry, i dont go into the fetal position, i pick up my phone or get in my car and i take the situation head on.
this could be considered a good trait or a bad one though. From an outsider looking in, im sure it looks great. it looks like im strong. it looks like i know what im doing. it even looks like everything's going right.
but to the one that is actually living with this fighting trait, it's not always that wonderful. because sometimes, people need to cry and go into the fetal position and have someone fight for them.


right now, im fighting so hard for these relationships and for my future that i can't think straight. my head's a fog of trying to figure things out and finding a way in.
but like the pastor said last week......it's a season. seasons dont last forever. it's a hand of cards, it'll completely change in a few turns.
i am sincerely trying to find the good, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. the key word was trying. 

senior year: part I

holy cow, what a semester!!! started off with coming home from Jax and hittin' the books right away. I took Communications 2, Spanish 2,  and Chemistry. doesnt sound like much, huh? well, i stayed VERY busy.
my starting time for the 50 free was about 30 seconds. Tash surprised myself, AJ and Sammi in the locker room one day at practice telling us in front of everyone that we were officially team captains. surprise surprise!!

in September when i turned 18, the piece of advice that i will forever hold in my heart was contained in a card from Mr. Todd Moseley: "do at least one thing every day that makes others say 'dude, you're crazy!'"
September 8th (the dmonday before, i skipped swim practice to go surfing..but i showed up to pick up Lydia and Sarah at the pool after practice. whoops) i was assigned my first 500 in a race. i finished with 7:03....3 seconds off of varsity time. not bad!! that was also the day that Amanda and i came up with "exercise faster!" on sept 18th, i had 070707 miles on my truck. Sept 24th i dropped 0.5 seconds in all of my events at the invitational in Port Orange. That's also the day that Seth was supposed to get me really mad so i'd swim faster. he didn't.

October 4th was my last dual meet. We swam, we got very cold, but we won. Oct 7th, i went to youthquake with a wonderful bunch of people from Jax and had a sisters-sleepover at Reghans <3 Girls team won second, and the boys first at Cape Coast Conference on Oct 14th. That was also the day that i went to Conference and Taco City, came home for a few hours, being called every 15-20 minutes, and then went to the movies with Kristin and Seth..and almost fell asleep there. haha! October 27th i got a piercing in my foot. I was hanging my bag up in the shed and my heel hit a rusty earring. that's definitely something ill never live down...Oct 29th was districts at Sebastian River's pool. it was rainy and cold and miserable. and swimming twice about killed me.

November 5th was districts. Amanda and i drove out together with her mom...."drive diligently!" haha! i experienced the insaane pain of a fast suit. November 6th i cried because we didnt make it to state because of less than one second. on 11-11-11, i slept the whooole day, and was extremely sick. My professor for Comm2 died, and everything was a disaster there for a few weeks of this month trying to keep myself healthy, swim, make progress at meets and staying up to date with school. not to mention everyythingg with Seth that i went through

December came upon us and it really freaked me out. December 12th i dyed my hair. the 13th, we went to Disney with Amy and all the kids. on the 20th at about 6pm my whooooole life changed forever in a little room in Port Orange. the 21st i spent the whole day flipping out. Christmas day was delightful, talking to my uncle and aunt. the cold weather towards the end of this month kept me from swimming. on New Years Eve i was with Kristin in Daytona Beach. we were going to pull an all-nighter, but then fell asleep at 1am.
and now it's the 3rd of January. 6 more days of testing Seth and his games. we'll see how all THAT pans out.

lots of life-drama. i only highlighted the good things, and just a few of the bitter...though the bitter was more prominent this semester. im glad it's over.
I will debrief this next semester and include graduation and such, end of May. for now, farewell, and wish me luck!!