bucket list!!!

ok, i am officially publishing my bucket list. im freaking 18 years old and 20 is just around the corner and that is scary as hell. 

so here we go!!!

• drive on the autobahn. 
• surf in France
• get first place in an event (swimming)
• shark cage!!
• skydiving
• watch a flash mob
• be in Times Square on New Years Eve
• write a song that everyone knows
• fall in love
• get married
• have a prettier marriage than wedding
• stand with one foot on one side of the equator and have the other foot on the other side of the equator
• date a celebrity. like Taylor Lautner. ;)
• vacation to Rome.
• get a puppy for Christmas!!
• go on a no-budget shopping spree at Victoria's Secret.
• remember to use a fake (hilarious) name at starbucks
• have a cute guy-stranger buy me coffee
• finish a game of monopoly
• tip a cow
• go to vegas
• complete a triathlon
• travel first class!
• get pulled over.....and walk away without being in any trouble at all.
• have a clean room for a month+
• have kids
• solve a rubix cube!!!

some days i just wanna cry

my life is not as happy as i let it seem. i deal with THE biggest jerks of the century. i dont get WHY people are the way they are. i dont get why im so "unlikeable". i dont like how life isnt a fairytale.
i have days that i just want to sit down and cry. and i think, at times, that maybe just MAYBE if i made a scene like that, someone would open their ears and eyes and see what's really going on. but i never do it. i pretend like im fine; even lie to myself saying "you're fine, Lisa." i always paste a stupid, cheesy grin on my face and pretend like im great. i laugh and act like a goof, i let everyone pick on me and razz with me 'til im close to tears. but i never let that tear out. ever.
i am so ridiculous. im a hurting human being, and i hate it. and i dont know what to do about it. and no one's there to make it better.
and sometimes, ill share this stuff. and i always get the same reaction. people give me that "woah, TMI!" look and then try to laugh it off.
and the absolute funniest part of ALL of this is that the one person i can talk to about all of this pisses me off so much sometimes that i cant talk to them. and that's when i feel the most alone, deserted, beaten and left for the birds, etc.
maybe one day ill make that scene that i so desperately need to make. the emotions and hurt will overflow, at last, and drip down my flushed, angry cheeks in front of the right people. but until then ill just get through life, 15 minutes at a time and ill live by these words: tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better.

the quote of the year

this morning, everyone woke up and started their day. something insane happened in one of my sisters' lives, and i was trying to cheer them up. "we'll go on a super long run together so we can run our frustrations out. then we will go the the fair tonight and have fun."
Mom, being a teacher and my MOM mentioned that i had a lot to get done today, and she didnt think i could get it all done.
glancing at the microwave clock i boldly said "it is ten o'clock, and i am super woman."

they all laughed at my over-confidence and we all scattered to get our stuff done.


but you know what i think? i think human beings think too much.
"it's impossible for this to happen.." we're so doubtful of our own abilities.
like "i can't lose five pounds in a week." well, have you ever REALLY tried?
"i can't go out with him..im not good enough" well, have you ever asked? have you ever tried?
everyone is so insecure; everyone thinks they're inadequate. when in all reality, they're not. I've seen the most beautiful girls (inside and out!) critique themselves to death.

and it's true, everyone's trying to find their place in this big, huge world. but for goodness sake, stop looking for an empty spot and then yelling "HEY! IS THIS ANYONE'S SPOT?!" because they'll run you over.
make room for yourself. make yourself a spot. know who you want to be, and be that person.

wanna know who im gonna be?

im gonna drop a LOT of time in swimming. im going to get a scholarship with UNF for swimming and im going to be a star swimmer. im going to get my 4 year degree in physical therapy or sports management. during those four years ill also be coaching a swim team.
im going to have a boyfriend, and we'll eventually get married.
im going to take a year at Daytona State to get certified/go to school for massage therapy.
im going to be a tough coach. ill be a lot like Tash. but my team will be strong, and we will win.
im going to keep myself SO physically fit. in my free time ill surf like a maniac.

im not afraid of hard work. im not afraid to get my hands dirty. im not even afraid of commitment. and im not afraid to call people out on their crap.
im at the point of saying "bring it, world." you can't hurt me anymore than i already have been, and i survived that so i can survive it again. you can't push me aside because no one gets away with ignoring me. and if i have to run a thousand miles i will.

so in conclusion, it's ten o'clock, and i am superwoman. 

Swimming

i keep sitting at 28 secs on my 50 and 1:04 for my 100 fr. its annoying, i wanna drop somethin.

but i was thinking yesterday while jumping in the chilled water at Cocoa Beach's Rec Center....

swimmers...
pretty much, we have a love-hate relationship with our chosen sport.
it hurts like crap. it's cold almost all year and it's only refreshing in the late spring and summer. we have hideous tan lines that are virtually impossible to get rid of. we eat soooo much and we can't hardly help it. there are times when you stop dropping seconds off your time and you start dropping tenths of a second, and that's when it gets annoying. caps are annoying; they leave tan lines and they hurt. the only time i've found them useful is in the winter when they help keep you 1 degree warmer. if you are blonde, your hair turns anywhere from green to blue, and if you're darker haired it goes blonde and then to the green-blue. and everyone SWEARS you dyed your hair when you didnt. "oh well you used sun-in then!" nope. sure didnt. and no one believes you.
girls won't shave their legs for weeks and weeks before a meet and we get teased a LOTT when we happen to wear shorts. guys get teased for shaving their legs for a big meet. and the funny thing is that it CAN help. swimming sucks because it's 90% physical and 10% mental in PRACTICE, but in a meet (where it counts) it's 10% physical and 90% mental. it's super hard to psych yourself. we get up at the butt crack of dawn for practice in the mornings and even earlier for warm up before a meet. and then there's always those people that say swimming is 'easy', even though they haven't swam competitively one day in their life; even though they haven't attended ONE of your practices, ever. they 'can still say that because when youre swimming you dont sweat' (though if you do swim, you know you sweat in the pool.). jerks.

don't get me wrong, i love swimming a lot. i just don't know why.
swimmers, you don't get enough compliments or acknowledgement to your sport. swimming is a really tough sport, and we work HARD to drop one second in a race that only lasts about 30 seconds (more or less) you know that one turn, or a bad start can cause you a race. the difference between 8th place and 1st is, at times, a second and a half. you can get DQ'd for hitting the wall a tiny bit sideways with one arm slightly in front of the other, or for shifting your weight on the block.
so, to the swimmers of the world who put up with all this crap and who still show up at practices and meets every single day, i want to congratulate you. keep workin' really friggin hard.

and just think. when the world floods again, we will be the ones that survive ;) 

Life Continues

18 hit. Senior year started. i've kept myself busy to the extreme with swimming and school and trying my very hardest to fit surfing in, though as of today i haven't been out in over a month -___-

i've brought my times down for swimming significantly since last year. im fighting to get to state, but we'll see how it pans out. this weekend is Conference. i need to beat a lot of people there to get to state. i've been training hard. hopefully it will pay off.

my plans are, now, to go to UNF for a 4 year degree in personal fitness. Possibly swim for UNF's team and if not ill join the surf team for sure. I already have most of my freshman year done thanks to BCC, so i might be able to get this done in about 3 years if i keep with the suggested schedule. I want to be a personal trainer and i want to volunteer my time at Duval County's schools as a coach because last i heard they were looking at cutting many sports out of the schools. This really is not good for kids because 1) it makes getting a college scholarship for swimming (for example..) really really hard if not impossible. and 2) i've seen where some kids wouldn't even engage themselves in school if it weren't for sports. to me, volunteering a few hours of my day to coach a team would be a great way to spend my time.

if i don't go to UNF ill hit up Daytona and live in either the port orange area or ON the beach. :)
now, i am trying to get some scholarships lined up so school isn't outrageously expensive. and im trying to get a job so that i can afford to move out and live on my own AND buy a car.
i cannot believe that summer is over already! that it's already october!! this year has gone by soooo quickly. which scares me, because people always talk about how years start passing super fast and you never get to live your life to it's fullest...

next month i'm supposed to go on a road trip to Pennsylvania to see my sister for thanksgiving. and then to Georgia again in December for the Winter Ramp. and then next summer im going to Costa Rica with Epic Surf Ministries. i feel like i need to cut one of these out so i have time to just take a deep breath. Costa is NOT being cut out.

a myriad of different emotions seem to be swarming through my head about so many different things that i honestly don't know what to do with them all.

im in one of those really awkward phases concerning church. i am still in high school, a senior, but my youth group has so many YOUNG youth (or less mature..) that i feel like i can't relate to anything we're talking about.
at the same time i am 18, so i fit into the young adults' status...but most of the young adults are in their early twenties to thirties....my issues, concerns and problems are tiny compared to theirs', and i can't relate to them either.
my issues, concerns and problems are not whether i can keep a job or that my boss is being a butt head. they are not about a teenage crush or guys stalking my every move or what drama went down at school today. my issues, concerns and problems are working hard to graduate high school, figuring out scholarships, finding an apartment and roomies, what EXACT program to go into and at which college, finding a job, and trying my hardest to please my parents while im trying to feel my way through all this. and maybe this doesn't seem real to many people, but it's real to me. i talked to a friend today for two entire hours. it's their freshman year in college. TWO HOURS. do you know how long it's been since i talked to anyone for that long and didn't get bored with it? it's because we were able to relate to each other.
so where am i left? im left with not going to church except on sundays. and even then, i have no idea what to do with myself. i hate that i feel this way, but i do.

i am in desperate need of friends my age.

anyway, after high school a whole new set of worries and concerns will clutter my table. ill move out and start college. then, for the next 3 years all i can imagine myself worrying about is school, my job, and boys. lovely. i have so much to look forward to. 

the center..?

im listening to this song my Israel Houston called "Jesus be the center"

here it is:

Jesus be the center of it all, Jesus be the center of it all
From beginning to the end, it will always be, it's always been You, Jesus.

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do.
Jesus You're the center, Everything revolves around You, Jesus, You

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center
It's all about You, yes it's all about You.

it got me thinking about the importance of Him being the center of our lives.
i am so completely guilty here, because lately He has not been the center. recently it's been school, swimming, surfing, getting a job, moving toward graduating. i've been more motivated to get my school done with good grades than ever in my life. that's pretty much all i do, all day.

but i have to get back to the point where i say "nothing else matters, and nothing in this world will do." He needs to be placed back in the center of my life...and it's only 2 weeks into the school year.

to those of you who pray, and who happened to read this, please pray for me. it's my senior year, and i can EASILY get distracted with school and sports because it's my "last chance to make something of myself in this area.." i thousand thoughts fly through my mind in one day. "i need to apply here...i need to run...i need to do my ab workouts....i need to get chemistry done....im behind in history.....i have this to do in comm2......swimming in an hour......i need to think about my senior pictures......oh crap there's that grad meeting this week, i really need to go to put my 2 cents in on the plans...."
and then everything with my family and their HEALTH. and cars. health and cars is where everyone is failing right now, and it sucks. because everything falls on my mom and myself, and it's super tough.
life is crazy. so your prayers are def. accepted!!! thanks guys :)

Psalm 47:2b

"..He is a great King over all the earth." Psalm 47:2

i had the great pleasure to ponder this verse today. through every small thing that was placed on my shoulders today that might slow me down, i thought of THIS.
"He is a great King over ALL the earth.."
every creature in the sea, every bird in the sky and every animal on the land. over every person. over every circumstance. over every hurt or pain, over every concern. over the waves, over attitudes, it's really cool.

im so blessed to serve this King, and to know Him. it makes me soo happy to think that yes, anything could happen. but my Daddy is a GREAT King over ALL the earth. :D it makes me so so happy. that's all :)

the cross is always ready.

wow. God did so much more than i even expected. you just dont know how good He is to me, though i don't either. He's so insanely good that my own mind can't comprehend it all. 

Tuesday and Wednesday [traveling and six flags] i was guarding and preparing my heart every moment. i made sure to keep a seeking heart and to not get too wrapped up in everything. 

my attitude going into this weekend was that i didn't want to miss ANYTHING that God had for me, and i wanted EVERYTHING He had for me. 

and i got hacked. most of the posts that were put up here weren't even me.

everything was just good. the worship, the words. i soaked up every bit of what was being said. i got to lay on my face and just be heart to heart with Jesus, my HEART finally got to be next to His and it was the most perfect thing ever. i felt Him looking at me this weekend. His eyes really do burn.

but the thing that impacted me the MOST was Damon's teaching about baptism. He basically took us through nearly every verse that talked about baptism and explained what it REALLY meant. 

to put it shortly: baptism is dying. when we go into the water, we DIE. our 'egyptians' are in that water and left there as we come out. 

we were then baptized at Williams Creek. from the time that the morning service got out 'til really the evening service my  heart was just solemn. i smiled rarely, which isn't like me. i was so focused on DYING. i believed it with all my heart that when i went under that muddy, beautiful water that i would not be the same. that something in me would DIE forever. that creek is the most holy place ive ever been to. stepping on that property was so new. it was crazy.

i died. my egyptians, my own flesh, even my own desires DIED yesterday. walking down those steps to the cool water i was terrified, excited, joyful AND sorrowful all at the same time. 

i was thinking this through on our twelve hour drive home this morning. the Bible says "death, where is your sting? grave, where is your victory?" it's TRUE. dying yesterday, i found, was not bitter or sorrowful when it was said and done. the only thing in me that felt sorrow was my flesh. dying was sweet. there are no other words to describe it. 

i believe that God killed my flesh and burned the body. never, EVER to come back. and the hilarious thing is i am more alive now than ever before. im more awake now than  ever. =)

i would like to let everyone know that i will FOREVER be changed. i will never be the same again. i noticed it today when i tried to think about something that used to make me happy, and it didn't today. i didn't think i could get freer than i was. i didn't think more hunger and passion for God could come from me, but it did and it is and i am. my heart is freer than ever before.

so with these changes  also comes changes in my lifestyle.  i die daily now. every morning i pick up my cross and die. im reading the whole Bible. prayer meetings are happening, wherever i am. sleep and food don't matter. and last but not least, i refuse to miss an opportunity to tell someone about Jesus. fear of man that used to live is now dead, that is now floating down a creek in alabama, never to come back.

and i find, even now, at 12:01 on June 13th 2011, that He is still tearing stuff out of my heart. He's really ripping it out. im glad, even though some of this really hurts. i know He has my best interest in mind. and i also know that on the other side of this cutting away there are such good things. i've been waiting for this tearing for this to happen, i just didnt expect it to be like this. but i suppose if He hadn't done it this way, it wouldn't be ripped out totally. Thank You, Jesus.

verse

There's A Pure And Undefiled Religion

Walking With You Jesus

You Are The Blessed Hope

You Are The Risen Son

And There Are witnesses Of Ressurection

Calling Everyone

To Walk The Royal Way

To Sing The Kingdoms Song

Chorus

The Cross, The Cross Is always Ready

Everyday It Waits For Me

Christ Own Narrow Road Our Vision

Christ, The Everlasting Seed

im sure there is much much more i will want to add to this, and many more things to write. for a later time, when i understand better what all exactly happened this weekend.

Thank You Jesus!

it's wonderful.

im here. im in the best place i could be in. 

from the outside, im sure it looks crappy, if you know all the details. life for me isn't what most people my age have to deal with. it's still a sticky situation at times, yes. it still challenges me. but it's the best place i could possibly be. 

• everything in me desires God. this is the most beautiful place i can ever be in. desiring God is the best feeling anyone could ever experience. passionately going after Him is the best pursuit i've ever been on. it's the best story i could ever tell.
• God has given me the biggest gift EVER. He's allowing me to pour into peoples lives...through surfing. oh it's just the best! everyday i get to go out i feel SO privileged to have the great opportunity to take people surfing and watch them change within the few hours i spend with them. their language changes, what they find funny changes, it's amazing. i am so blessed.
• im learning to love. im getting exactly what i asked for :) He's placed certain people in my life that challenge me to love them. it's like they ask me every day "will you love me if i do this..?" im learning real, unconditional, fearless love that doesn't hold back one bit, even if i get hurt because of it. it's selfless love.  

i like being where i am. i definitely dont want to stay here, but im happy God has me here where i am. 

i knew God was going to do a lot since January. He has. He's done so much in me and through me! im so thankful for Him being 'all up in my business.' God is wonderful. i love giving Him my everything! 

i think, also, that right now i am more ready for this summer than i was before. i thought i was ready, but i had so much to learn and so much to walk through before. im glad i did, even though it sucked at the time. this is gonna rockk.

people people people.

have you ever hung out with someone and later wondered "hmm....i wonder if they're hurting??"
just having one of those moments.

i love people. and im learning to love people even more. when i sense that someone's hurting, it makes me just want to give them a hug and pour out every last bit of the love of God on them that i possibly can. i wish so much that i could show them just how much Jesus really does love them. i wish i could plan an encounter with God for them so that their eyes are opened and they can see what i see. i wish i could show them that their identity is found in Jesus and not in anyone else, and that they dont have to "act" their way through life.
my heart really just reaches out to people so much.

the past three years of my life...

i cannot believe im a senior now. well, i guess it becomes official in august..i dont care.

2010 swim season

it's made me ask myself a few questions about my high school years. Have i done what i wanted to do in high school? have i turned the world around me upside down? have i reached out to people and loved them? 'cause i only have one more year to do it.

well, i haven't done all that i've wanted to do. thank God i have one more year to accomplish it.
but there HAVE been some things i have done that i wanted to do before i graduate.

like...
learn to surf.

A&R tour, 2010

• get direction with where i want to go in life. <---this has actually been coming the whole four years, gradually. it's really REALLY cool now that i look back.
• i've encountered His love in the best way ever.
• i've devoted myself to serving more and more.
• i made it to districts in swimming, this year my hope is to get to state. big time training is coming my way.
• my life was changed in Liepaja, Latvia, my first missions trip.
• i saw snow
• i learned how to play guitar
• im in a band.
• i made pretty good grades the entire way so far. A's and B's aren't nothin' to turn your nose up on..

Sept 2010. first board

the list goes on and on. the last three years have been really awesome. one more to go. a few more college classes, one more season in high school swimming, few more high school classes, hopefully a job to get, and im outta here.


There have been some things i totally regret that i did the past three years...

• i got in a car wreck. though it wasn't bad, i still regret it
• i got a ticket. on my way to the beach...the waves were good. 
• i said things i didnt mean.
• i let my heart get tied to someone.
• i made a fool of myself more than once.
• i didn't spend enough time with my family; i didnt visit my sister enough when she was living on the beach.

 Despite these things, i am ironically still loved and trusted by lots of people. Why my Mom trusts me with a vehicle, i dont know. My own stupidity has definitely not been something im proud of.

2009 formal, Gaylord Palms Orlando

im satisfied, so far, with my high school experience. home schooling through it hasn't been bad. i do wish, at times, that i could have gone to THS and just been in it. so that i could get a group of friends to pray at the flag pole in the morning. so that i could just understand what YOU experience fully. but i think that if i had, i wouldn't be who i am today. i wasn't as strong as i am now in the Lord at 14. i think i would have been pushed around a lot, and i think i would have been run over by my peers. now i see a totally different person compared to then. 

2010 A&R tour [Rick Pino] Jax beach Fl

2010 horse camp

Liepaja, Latvia. 2008

This last year of high school, i am determined to make it the best yet. it's going to be full of Jesus. family time, looooottts of friend-time. lots of surfing. and im sure swimming will take over my life for a few months too, haha. ill be planning to move away. whether that is to Costa right away or Jacksonville, i dont know. whatever God says. ill get certified to be a lifeguard so i can enjoy my job. ill grow my hair out. [so yeah..ill be going through an awk stage my senior year. haha way to go, Lisa.]

2009 CO ninja trail

And, last and not least, this year i turn 18. wow.
That's insane. but im not going to do something stupid
on my 18th. im going to do something productive.
surf. :)

im going to try my very hardest to get out of this country one more time before high school's over. Costa Rica. :) we'll see how that one flies. im going to take a trip to the Ramp. and if EPIC surf ministries doesn't go ahead and plan themselves a trip there, im kidnapping some people and going to Hamilton :) haha. 

the CALL Orlando, 2008

2008, Amy's beach house

He is Worthy.

hi, this is for all the people out there who are hurting. for all the people that can view this, who have been hurt by someone. who are trying to love the one who hates you like Jesus says to.

"that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, on heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:10-11

i personally got some really nasty really horrible news today as i was sent to the bank and walmart. thank God for blaring music and windows that open..

Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse. :) 

EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue WILL confess that Jesus Christ is Lord....

 all the angels in heaven, the creatures that are covered with eyes, every person on the earth, every animal in the world, and even every demon in hell will HAVE to confess that Jesus is Lord. 

He died for our own victory. He died so that we could live as DIFFERENT people, not to live like everyone else. and He has not forsaken us, and He never will. His great love for every person walking the earth is still there...

but He IS worthy. and He WILL receive His glory. and when He comes back, He WILL receive every bit of glory He is due. 

this verse makes me feel victorious. because right now, people can spit in my face. they can try to tell me off. they can beat me down and their actions can scream "I HATE YOUR GOD!" but this isn't the end of the story. 

they will have to bow at His name. no one has authority over Him. no one has more power. He is a good good God, who is just and beautiful and full of love and grace and mercy. and He is glorious and worthy. 

pure abandon

let me set up the back round to all that im going to try to say.

yesterday my brother, Jeremy, and i had a long conversation. he was saying a lot of stuff about picking  up the cross and dying to myself. i wont go into detail because that's coming later. i basically sat there and was trying so hard to be humble and listen to him. i felt in my heart that everything he said was right and true. but i didnt want to accept it, because what he was saying would require me to give up [for a SMALL time] something that i love dearly: surfing. it hurt just to think about it, because i know there's suuuuper beautiful waves this weekend and i need all the practice i can get.

i woke up this morning to Justin Rizzo. if you listen to all his songs on this album, it pretty much just encourages you in this. it's really good.

am i sowing to the spirit or am i sowing to the flesh? im doing one or the other all the time. happy holiness and joyful righteousness...as i give it ALL away. i will not despise the sowing of seeds because i know in due time i will see the fruit of my labor for all of eternity. What am i living for? if im living to give glory to Him, it's all worth it. but without His glory, there's nothing; because nothing in this life will never truly satisfy like the desires of His heart. there is weight in what im doing. He sees me, when i struggle to take my thoughts captive, as i try to fast, truly, and seek His face over all the things i love. He sees me murdering my flesh right now.
and in all this, He's given me a choice to choose to go deeper with Him or to stay where i am.
that's really the decision i had to make.

give up super rare, really beautiful, good waves this week or two,  and go after God with everything that's in me and GET it?

~or~

go surfing. pass up God, put Him off for a bit and not get as far as i want.

well. Holy Spirit was jumping in me to go after God and give up surfing for a short time.
so for a week or two, im not going out. im fixing my thoughts on Him.

and i know, there's a few of you out there saying "wow...this is hard for you lisa? that's dumb."
well. yes. it is. you ask any surfer out there who really loves what they do. you ask them if they'd give up  a weekend of surfing super nice waves. get real.
"this momentary light affliction is working in me." -Justin Rizzo
this is as momentary and as light as it will ever get, but it's still working in me in big ways. and ill consider it pure joy.

that's all i have to say.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.."

does anyone else agree that growing up sucks?

changes happen all the time, but this one HUGE change takes place in your life around our age [well..the age im currently at. 17-19 ish] and the scariest thing is 1) you're graduating high school. 2) moving out and about 3) all your friends that have been there for you every moment of every day all your life is moving out and about.

some stay in town. others go half way around the world. it's a scary thing. it sucks. going through some big stuff, and the people you're closest to can't be physically here with you. sometimes, we're caught in between two places and two groups of people. both, you love extremely, but being in this spot in the middle just sucks so much because of your love for both of them. the scary unknown is out there, you have an idea of what you might be stepping into, but it's still all so uncertain. you have learned through the years that you can make plans, but God just screws them anyway, so what's the point unless He says so? and sometimes, God seems to be really quiet..

well, i read something this last night in taylors car, writing it on Jeremy's shirt for his going away...

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." Proverbs 4:25. 

at the moment i thought nothing of it, really. it was underlined in her bible that i flipped open and it just sounded right for the shirt. i had no idea that God was talkin' to me.

this morning, i read in colossians 1. im going to mix NLT and NIV, because i like the wording in both. 

"Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation, for all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together. And He is the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that everything He might have the supremacy [or NLT:So He is the first in everything] 

then The Entry came on my mp3 in math by matt gilman. 

in those verses and in this song, all of my jumbled fears and thoughts are put at peace. yes, im still freaked out a little. im still sad that i wont see my brother for three months after may 2nd, and im still sad that i havent been to EPIC in a super long time, and that i cant 'til beginning of May because of my schedule. and im still sad, because i already see the 'hurt' that will take place in my heart after this summer.. but at the same time, in all these insecurities and freaked-out-ness, i know He's there. and He has a plan. and He is first in everything, whether i want Him to be or not. and everything is going to be okay, because He said so. 

He's good. He's so good to me. 

to whom do i belong?

recently, consciously-subconscious, i have wondered "where in the world do i belong?" again, consciously-subconscious, i've answered "i belong in His presence." and left it at that, in a shallow state without any depth or meaning to it. before i come to this answer, i always contemplate "Jacksonville? Cocoa Beach? Costa Rica? Indonesia? Australia? South Africa? California? Hawaii?"
all these spots fly through my mind before i finally settle with "His presence."

i just CONSCIOUSLY figured out what answer i actually needed. it's not a physical place. the right answer for the type of question this is isn't His presence [i wont try to explain. im sure whoever is reading this has understanding of what im talking about. if not message me and ill attempt to explain my heart.]

it's not really "where" do i belong, but to whom do i belong. i had no idea i was battling with this 'til Holy Spirit said what He said to me.
All He said was "you are Mine. and you will be with Me." one small phrase. and then all of this hit.

i wonder, how would relationships and dating change in the teen-world if we all really got this? that we will be with Him, and that we are His? and that we were created for His pleasure, and He takes total and complete delight in us. and that He shaped every figure, every cell, every emotion and personality trait. and in all of our "flaws" and "plus's", He takes delight in each and every one, because He made them. and He's teaching us. and that He's called each and every one of us BY NAME. when He spoke us, He didn't just say "Lisa Wall", but within my name is a purpose and mission to complete on the earth. and that He takes utter delight in watching us grow and learn and embrace His kingdom and complete our individual mission on the earth.

my hearts one desire

sometimes, writing helps me get it out. so let me indulge myself for a moment, please.

this is who i WANT to be. please, critique me. please.

i want to be totally in love with Jesus, and i want my love for Him to shine through in everything i do. i dont want any other lovers. i dont want a boy friend right now.  

i want soo much for my heart to be on fire. i dont want to settle for "less than" what im expecting. 

i dont want to love this world at all. and i dont want to be like it. 

i want to influence the people around me, i want to encourage them TO Jesus.

i want to encourage my brothers and sisters. not discourage them.

i want to be a nazirite. and i feel like i keep screwing up. and i hate it. i want to kick rebellion out the door. i want my life to scream "JESUS!". not surfing. not swimming. not music. Jesus. 

i want to tie my heart to His.

you know how Damon Thompson talks about heart-ties? [he talks about this when david and jonathan come up. i think it's in the inhibitors message? not sure. but i think so. look it up.]

well..i want my heart to be tied to Jesus. i dont really care if im popular with people or not. if you dont like me, sorry. id rather be known by Him.

and you know, i hear all these stories about people who fasted so much that they are/were skin and bones. who prayed so hard and so loud on their knees every night that their parents heard them and they had scabs on their knees all the time. who didnt HAVE friends. but when their parents asked them to stop fasting for three days and eat food they would. who weren't rebellious. 

people who played piano to Him, who would stay up for a week straight with no sleep at all with Jesus because they love Him soo much. who DIED in a car accident, but the people around that person said "i think God wanted him to be with Him so much that He took him."

and  i look at the disciples of Jesus and how they walked in such power and in  such authority that their shadows healed people. their very presence changed the atmosphere because His presence was with them. who was THERE in the upper room when Holy Spirit came for the first time.

and you know what? i WANT that. i WANT to be radical like that! i want to be known for that. i want to walk in that. and im not there. i want to know His heart.

and as of right now, im heading there. 

and dont even try to tell me i cant do it. watch me.

• • 
    

fast metabolism

"I stand before You, awed by Your majesty.
Covered by Your Mercy, Your blood has made me free.
Draw me to You and set my heart on fire. 
I want to know You, You're my one desire


Grace never ending, hands that carry me.
Your body is broken for all the world to see
My heart is held by love so unconditional
You captivate me, You're the lover of my soul.

I want to know You, let Your spirit overwhelm me, let Your presence overtake my heart."

that's deep.
i was playing with this song this morning to help me learn it..
and y'know, God didnt suddenly come in this crazy crazy way. but i got insanely desperate and eternally hungry.

haha, i remember thinking "God, this week my metabolism has sped up a lot. i've eaten a lot, and im burning it off so fast. I want to hunger for You like that. to eat, and then just a little tiny while later be hungry to the extreme again."

and you know what else? He hears me. and He answers my prayers. He's faithful to me, even when im not faithful to Him. [which is insane..] so guess what i know's gonna happen? :D yup.

watch out world. you better get ready, because THIS girl is going to be the most desperate and most hungry for God. ANDD!!! He reacts to my hunger. yeap! He's gonna feed me. boooyah. you've never encountered a girl like this before. im one of the first of my breed. only a few of us exist now, but in a few years, world, you're going to encounter and entire generation of Jesus-freaks. know how i know? because Holy Spirit is contagious. :)

Jesus won.

i was talking to my sister today..more like crying to/with her about life and stress, when her son, Fran, came running up to her and said "guess what mommy?! Peter Pan won! he won! and hook lost. they called hook a codfish!! and the alligator LIKES codfish!!!"
and at that point i cried harder than before. it was like he was saying "guess what lisa?! Jesus won!! He won! and your rough situation lost. Jesus called it powerless and stupid. and Jesus threw your situation into hell where it belongs."
and then Rick Pino's song popped into my head.
"there's a FOURTH man standing there in the fire..you're not alone." and then Amy started talking about shadrach meshach and abednego. and how they came out without even smelling like smoke. not a hair was even singed. BUT, they still had to stand in the furnace. they still had to stand in the fire. [daniel 3-ish area]
this proves to me that........
yeah. life can look deadly. haha. it can look like it's over, nothing can be fixed, it's done for. nothing good can ever come out of this. well, Jesus says otherwise.
He hung there on the cross for THIS. He was whipped and beaten, He DIED for this situation i'm in right now. that is one thing i can trust with my whole heart. He died so that i can come to Him in this mess, and He can show me mercy and give me peace about ALL of it, and wipe out ALL fear with His perfect love.
wanna hear something ironic? There's billions of other people on the earth right now with their own problems. some much worse than mine. there's zillions of animals in the world, each one being cared for by Him. He's gotta hold the universe together and make sure all the stars are in place and He watches the tide at the beach and He tells the ocean to stop on the shore....
all of this going on, and He still not only listens to me when i come to Him, at any time, but ALSO cares to listen to me. AND to top it all off, He chases off every little devil trying to get a hold of me.
it's hard to think these things through in the middle of it all. but it's all true.

at the end of the conversation i had with Amy, she told me to find something today that is good. a small pleasure in life that we take for granted, and to be thankful, truly, for it. "you have an eye for finding these little things."
y'know what i am thankful for? it's 83 degrees outside. it's warm. it's a gorgeous day. the sun's out. and there's waves at the beach. and i may not be able to go out today and surf them, but im still thankful for them. and im thankful for EPIC, even though i won't be there tonight. im really thankful for Mickey and Josh and James and Chuck. and im thankful for Kenny, somehow just knowing him, knowing that he really really loves and wants Jesus like me is encouraging, even if im not talking or hanging out with him. and for Lauren, because she's just the best. and for coach Angela, who is almost always encouraging. im thankful that my truck has 63,000 miles on it, meaning that i can drive it for a whiile.
so really, my life's pretty stinkin' good. there's a lot of things going for me right now. im determined to NOT forget these things that are goin' for me.
anyway,  im emotionally drained. i think ill take a nap now before swim practice.

love....hurts? part 2

first id like to say, i really appreciate the people around me. my brothers and sisters who continually encourage me, even when it's not necessarily something i WANT to hear. :) and for the Ramp and their status updates that come to my phone :)
"how do we know we love God? we love people. 1 John 4:8"
that verse reads, starting in verse seven...
"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
Jesus uses people to encourage me, and then He encourages me. and. ahh. Jesus. <3
this encourages me, because i was kind of complaining, but not really, but..yeah. kinda complaining that i love people.
"God, some of these people that i love ive known for a short time. others I've known for forever. why do You let me love them all so much? WHYY do You let me do things that hurt?"
love does hurt, because of various different factors. but "love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance." [1 Corinthians 13] it also doesnt count the cost.
soo...no matter how much it costs me, and no matter how hard the circumstance may look to me, if i love God, i love people. [and vice-versa]
it later says in the chapter "..since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us...God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect....Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear."
oh Jesus, thank You for the Word.
"..if we dont love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? and He has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters."

so, what's God showing me? that it's okay to love. it's okay to love, even when its rejected or brushed off or not returned or whatever. and it's not only okay, but it's good, and it proves that i love Him, that i love people. :')
Holy Spirit is the best best best encourager ever.
love love love love...
I GET TO LOVE!!!!! oh my goodness im so excited and so happy.

love...hurts?

we talk about how good the love of God is. it really really is. His love for me is so outrageous and ridiculous it drives me crazy.

.......

but have you ever loved like God?

well, me being the stupid, radical human that i am, i started asking God to teach me how to love. you all know this. ive said it over and over. three years ago, now, it's been part of my daily prayer that i take seriously. that hasn't lost it's umph, every time i say it.

"God, teach me how to love."

that's the stupidest prayer ever. 

That prayer WILL be answered. and you WILL love like He does. 

but it so sucks sometimes.

because then you start REALLY loving people a lot. more than you "should". and it hurts to love them so much. people you barely even know, you start REALLY loving, who are sometimes located so far away. and it sucks. especially when you love them and they brush you off. [im not talking the lovey-dovey gf/bf love..this is like, sincere, pure love.]

this tiny little answered prayer will get you crying like a little girl in your bedroom with Jesus. this little sucker will get you to feel a way that you honestly can't describe with words. 

there's an up to this too though. people will notice it. your words, your actions, everything will shine love in it's purest form. and it's so great to love people like this. and the words from mentors that say "it's so exciting to see. you always hope for the best, but to actually see it is the best thing ever. you're GROWING in love!!!" it's soo awesome to simply be you, and for that alone encourage other people. it's pretty awesome, because i love encouraging people a lot.

i was holding back tears the entire two hour ride home. when i got home and everyone left, i was finally able to just let loose. ive been crying for a long time now, and i dont even know why...love? id put my money on it. 

anyway...i have no idea where im going with life now. God seems to be screwing all my plans every other day. which is good, cause i want His way. i know He lets me go that one day in-between for a reason. maybe to keep me on my toes or something..i dont know. 

more for me than for you

gotta just write these quotes down for my own sake.
"Gods might flame of love is even stronger than death. It hunts you down. it pursues you until your heart is sealed with a love that is stronger than lust and every addiction.
Oh, i love the God whose name is Jealous. His eyes are a blazing fire, burning away everything that seeks to compete with the affections of my heart. There in the sanctuary of my heart He will brook no rivals. It is in that place that God's holy love meets my holy Nazirite response. There, an inward burn takes place and the supreme pleasure of intimacy with God is experienced on the alter of my heart--an experience that is far more fulfilling than the temporal and fleeting pleasures of sexual lust and entertainment. i was created to burn."
"the nazirite, out of love and a higher vision, was actually choosing a lifestyle of holy discipline w hich was more conducive to experiencing the pleasure of God on his heart."
"Don't be afraid of loving God too much. the religious status quo will never understand your nazirite passion. but love never counts the cost. It always gets the most expensive thing in the house and pours it out on God."
"revival is simply a return to obedience"
"I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remaiin in my love." [John 15:9-10]
"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are not longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you." [john 15]
"no one can rob you of that joy." john 16
"But Nazirites spontaneously, joyfully and willingly appropriated the priestly seperation and condition of life because of an inward working of the Spirits grace."
"The desire of the Nazirite to be radically separated to God was first of all initiated by a preceding burning desire--the desire of God, who was intensely pursuing Nazirites."
"God is raising up hundreds of thousands of these 'radiant ones' in America who in their burning single-eyed devotion actually attract His favor and His face."

*deep breath* now that all that's written out, i can look back at it all in one spot. i have some writing on walls to do..:)

right now with Jesus, i really want to just lay in His arms. i really just want to be a little tiny little girl with Him. and be fearless in asking dumb questions that are on my mind. i dont want to pretend like im an adult and like i know stuff. it's useless, really, with Him. in the end, He knows what i know and what i dont know, so why pretend?

we were singing last night at FCC "i dont just love you, I like you. I'm your Father, your Daddy."

i was pondering these words. how is liking someone better than loving them? hahaha, and then i started thinking of how He says to love even our enemies. and recently, how i was so concerned that this one dude was bugging me SO much. and i knew i was commanded by God to love him....and i didnt want to love him because he was being an absolute rude jerk who needed to wipe his mouth out with toilet paper. and i was concerned because i really sincerely did not love this guy at all. and i thought i was wrong. but i was corrected. you can love someone and not really like them. loving a person is kind of respecting them. loving someone doesnt always mean you like them. :D which makes me happy. haha

so God doesnt JUST love me. He LIKES me too. whoa. that's pretty cool. God, the creator of the universe, the uncreated One likes ME.

that's a big deal to me.

and i was just watching the little video i made of us playing with echo's in the chili's parking lot last night. haha you know what i think? Holy Spirit really loves for us to have fun. He loves to hear us laugh when we're laughing and having fun in a completely pure way. its so awesome!! like, God isn't serious all the time. maybe seriously funny..

i love it so much.

like even Collin in the way he reminded us of Flint Lockwood from Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. and how he did impressions PERFECTLY without even remembering the movie. hahah! 

a bit of encouragement

God was kind of encouraging me today. it's kinda weird, because i really dont battle with this, ever. but He was saying this stuff to me anyway and i think it might be so that i could encourage you :)

to all you rad Jesus lovers out there, He's got someone on this earth for you. it's true. He's picked him/her out just for you.
girls: he exists. He loves God sooo much, more than you. :) that's exciting, isn't it? a guy that loves God more than anything or anyone else. he's chasing after some giants, David-style. a man that truly lives out what he says he believes. he loves Jesus, just like you do. who's called to the same thing as you, who won't hold you back from your pursuit of God but will only encourage you in it. it's an absolutely beautiful, glorious, wonderful thought, i know. it excites me. i can't describe him perfectly to you 'cause i have no idea who he is for myself, much less you. haha, but he's there. i promise, because God promised.
guys: she's out there. she's so taken with Jesus, she's so fascinated. you might even know her now, [maybe not, i dont know] but she's SO taken with Jesus that neither of you know. haha. seriously, if you're a teenager, don't chase after her. let her find herself in Jesus. let her heart dream with Him. let her have her adventures with Him, because He is her first and eternal love.
and really, to both parties, you're not the only one on earth who loves Jesus the way you do. We are not alone in this. for me personally, i have sooo many brothers and sisters, from far and near, that love Jesus so much exactly the way i do. Encouraging them is one of my favorite things to do, because i love them and i want to watch them love God more and more. it's so exciting. i love people, but i especially love people that love Jesus the way i do. i love getting around those people and like last night when i said "we need to have a worship-night.." everyone got so excited. ahhh it's just so beautiful! we were talking about all the movies we wanted to watch together, and we were excited. but when those words left my mouth the excitement level sky-rocketed. i love it so much. i love crazy people who love Jesus to the extreme.
haha, it's so hard to believe sometimes that "THEY EXIST!" the first guy i met that realllllly loves Jesus like i do i was so fascinated. talking to him was so refreshing. he was saying things that i felt in my heart but couldnt put into words. he'd tell me about what he was doing or what he had done and he was really living out his love for Jesus; such a rare quality in people today. it made me so happy. it encouraged me. i had a "wow, God, guys that love You..they exist!" moment. haha, meeting that awesome man of God was God encouraging me. it's one thing to know it in your head, it's another to know it and see it. i love him a lot, he's the coolest brother i have.

when our hearts dream with His, when our thoughts are His, when our center is Him, everything else comes into place.

and when we all experience His love, we are able to love. Glory follows order. the order is Jesus first, everything else after.
so as an ending encouragement, go after God with all your heart. remember that He's alive. so when you get up and you don't feel like reading your Bible or talking to Him, He's alive. He's real. and like someone who loves you, He wants to spend time with you and see you. just a lot more than people. :) and He sees you and counts the seconds you have with Him. He doesn't forget one moment. He remembers every tiny step of obedience you take. and you WILL be rewarded for every little thing. He sees every movement of your heart towards Him, and He loves it so much. He rewards the seekers, they will find. if you knock on the door it will be opened to you. want God to speak to you? open your Bible. pray. you have to step into covenant with Him, but once that step is taken on your part, He will do His end of it too.
i love you, Jesus-lover, very very much. i love you because you love Him, because i love Him. 

it's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of Me.

"I'm making plans to waste my life on You.."--John Mark McMillan
such a true statement.
Today i got home from classes, was satisfied with what i turned in to my comm1 teacher, was happy with the way i didn't cry all the way home, and was super stoked 'cause i feel like i can handle this class again. i got in my room, turned on "You deserve it all" by Josh Baldwin [right? lol] and just started talking to God.
i'd like to take this moment in time and say this--God talks back. He's got a crazzzyyyy plan. "it's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of Me!" -Holy Spirit, via Jesus Culture [Come Away] it's so true. God has an amazing plan for me, and He's starting to unfold everything before my seventeen year old, awestruck eyes. No, it doesn't always make sense. i dont even see it the right way at times, andd a majority of the time im sitting here saying "God, that's impossible. but if it's Your will, You make it possible. i am willing." He planted this whole surf ministry idea in my head in August 2010. He has opened soo many doors for me. and just when it all looks impossible to me, He comes and reminds me of His promises and does something to prove to me that "yeah, Lisa! you're on the right track sweetie!" Even now, walking through these classes, He's teaching me. it's hard, it causes a lot of tears, i want to give up sometimes, and sometimes i just need a really long hug. but He's right there with me the entire time, taking each step WITH me, helping me keep my balance, and sometimes He even tells me a joke. =) That's how good He is to me.
anyway, i won't post exactly what's all going on this summer, 2011, BUT i will say that between today andd i think last week exactly to the day, He's given me a lot of direction, and He's continuing to open so many doors for me. wow, He's SO faithful to me! we'll see how it all pans out. if you're praying for me, be praying for:
1) continuing to give me ultra, crystal clear direction.
2) financial support!! [this is kind of a pretty big one right here.]
3) strength, faithfulness, steadiness, more of Jesus, more desperation, complete obedience etc etc etc..
and if you aren't praying for me, please do =) I'd really appreciate it so much!

He's doing so much in my life, even now at my still young age. it's really exciting. be excited with me :] haha, [i tell this to my mom all the time.]

Jesus is cool. end of story.

I was writing in a notebook/journal last night. i wrote these words, that completely shocked me in such a weird way, but also brought outrageous joy.
"He is so beautiful. His imagination is so perfect. No perversion is in Him."
i wasn't thinking about it. it just slipped out.

as i was cleaning up dishes this morning, i began to think about this phrase again. "No perversion is in Him."
that means i don't have to "watch myself" with God. i don't have to "turn the channel", i don't have to "hold the remote". i don't have to hide my eyes with Him. i don't have to guard myself against ANYTHING with Him. i don't have to make sure my heart doesn't get too attached, because "it may not work out".
goodness, do you know how wonderful this feeling is?!
with everything else in the world--music, tv, emotions, people, EVERYTHING, we have to watch ourselves to make sure no impure thing gets in. it rips me to shreds inside when it sneaks its' way in..
but with Jesus, i don't have to worry about anythinggg. i can let myself love freely. i can give all the love i have to Him, and i will never get hurt. He will never give up, He will never reject, He will never disappoint. i can fix my eyes on Him and nothing bad will come up. i can listen to Him, and He will never cuss or set a bad example, or ask me to do anything evil. He will always be love, give joy, peace, patience, will always be kind, faithful, and have self control. He will never be proud or boastful, He will always be hopeful and gentle. He will always be excellent and worthy of praise, He will always be honorable and right and admirable and true and pure. He will always free my heart; He sets every captive free. and when  i am with Him, i will never come away with the feeling of being drained out and dry; i will never feel like i need to puke because i am so full of junk. instead i feel clean and refreshed and pure at heart and in mind. wow..God's so cool.
it's such a weird idea that someone does exist who has no perversion at all in Him. but if He didnt, He wouldn't be God. it's mind-boggling, really. how did i not know this before?
i guess i knew this before, subconsciously, but now i KNOW it in my heart. there's a huge difference.